Question
I’ve just returned back to work in Australia having spent Christmas at home. It has really unsettled me and while I am aware that this happens me every time I return, I don’t want to let this go without a serious look at my life.
Many of my friends have gone back to Ireland, or somewhere close, as they get settled in their lives, either marriage or babies, but I can’t seem to take any action myself.
When I left Ireland, it was for an adventure so I took the first job that came up as it paid well and it satisfied my need for money – but now I am still in the same company and it is nearly 10 years ago since I started. I have had some promotions but it is a dead end for me and none of what I intended to do with my life has materialised.
This has leaked into my relationship too. I am living with a guy who is very lovely and committed, but I am struggling to make a decision as it feels to me that other parts of my life will continue as is and I know I am losing my vitality and sense of direction. I have not brought him home yet, as I know that this would be looked at as final and yet I sense that we have potential together.
While these feelings always happen after a trip home, I know that I will settle back into the rhythm and go along as always until the next break when I will face the same unsettlement again.
I feel this stagnation is turning me into someone who is pessimistic and negative and I’m afraid of this becoming locked in.
Answer
You are right in worrying about this, as there is no doubt that what we practice becomes a powerful habit for us and these habits can be hard to change. It seems that decision-making is something that is hard for you, and it might be worth looking at the factors that are contributing to this.
You have lots of evidence of others making life-changing decisions, in that your friends have made commitments to change, so you can look to them for direction. For you, some things are obvious but then there are further considerations that may be hampering you. It seems clear that your career needs a change of direction but the implications of this go further in that if you need to engage in re-education, do you do it in Australia and commit to the number of years that this might entail or do you enrol in Ireland and perhaps ask your parents for support to make the change?
Where you chose to live will have huge impacts in that if you engage in any course, there will be connections locally that might give you a step into alternative careers. In fact, talking to people in careers that you might find interesting is also a good source of information for you. There will be a financial hit and this needs to be carefully planned for, but it will also have implications on your relationship and on your partner’s life plans. You might engage a career coach to help you investigate your options but again you might consider which country you wish to do this in (the internet allows you to source help in any country). It leads back to your partner and taking the brave step of deciding if you two are doing life together and how you can support each other in your ambitions.
Making decisions gives us freedom. You are fully aware of the impact of not making decisions, dissatisfaction and stalling, so gather your courage and face what is in front of you. Perhaps it feels like too big an task, to choose a career, where to live and a partner, so take the immediate steps in front of you and start there. Talk to your partner honestly about what you are going through and listen carefully to his response – he knows you well and will have your best interests at heart. Book a session with a life/career coach (ask your HR for suggestions) and start talking.
As you take each step, you will find that the next one opens up in front of you and a pathway becomes clear. With increasing information, you will be able to adjust your course of action and adapt to changing circumstances as they arise. The main thing that blocks action is fear and if you try to imagine all the implications it can freeze you and so nothing happens, so start small and do something today to get this under way. You have many friends who will be willing to talk you through their journey, but the most important person is your partner, so make sure he is involved in every discussion, the starting point of which is your joint future.
Overcome your fear of decision-making by engaging before your mind starts to present obstacles, literally start talking and expressing your feelings. You know you need to use your current disenchantment to push you into action and the immediate outcome will be to disperse negativity and open you up to new possibilities.
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