Dear Roe,
I’m a 24-year-old woman and just ended another situationship with a guy who treated me pretty terribly. I keep getting with men who won’t commit, who aren’t kind to me and only call me for sex, and I’m so tired of it. I want to find love and a real relationship, and my friends date and go out with nice guys who treat them well but I don’t know why I can’t find that. Help.
Right now, you are dating to the level of your self-esteem instead of dating to the level of your standards. You intellectually know that everyone deserves to be with someone who treats them well, is kind, is respectful, who commits to the level both people want, and makes them feel safe and love. But for some reason, you don’t believe, deep down, that you deserve that. So when a man treats you badly, you stay, and you let him treat you like an option because you don’t believe that you deserve more.
You may even flinch away from men who pay close attention to you, who are genuinely interested in you, who treat you well because you’re suspicious of them – because you don’t believe you are genuinely loveable; you think they’re either foolish or faking it.
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Examine your self-beliefs and notice where you put yourself down or believe that you’re not worthy of love and care. Find a therapist who can work with you on uncovering the roots of these beliefs and build up your self-worth. Surround yourself with friends and people who make you feel good about yourself.
[ ‘I fell for the horny married man playing the nice guy routine’Opens in new window ]
Invest in your interests and hobbies and things that make you feel good. And think about what standards and values are important to you in dating, love and relationships, and walk away from any people or behaviour that do not live up to them.
You deserve more than you are settling for – and the good news is you can change this pattern simply by believing that to be true, so start there.
