Whoever manages PR for Christmas deserves a hefty holiday bonus. The festive season is neatly packaged into glossy images of beautiful families in matching pyjamas straight out of a Hallmark movie.
This is a big fat Christmas turkey lie, and the Colgate smiles we see on TV and social media don’t match the complex realities and pressures of life. For many, Christmas can be wrought with emotional overload and the pressures of perfectionism. It can stir up memories of loss, loneliness or challenging relationships, leaving our mental wellbeing like the gift forgotten under the tree.
The truth is this – you’re allowed to protect your peace, especially at Christmas.
Life coach and author Mark Fennell says Christmas comes with a “silent rule book” most of us never signed up to. “This is called social expectation bias, when we feel there is a certain way we need to conform to socially,” he says. “It leads to us massively overestimating what others expect from us. Add years of childhood conditioning, of keeping the peace and not rocking the boat; we live with this expectancy that we must love Christmas – otherwise, we are ‘failing’.”
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Catherine Tierney, bereavement clinical manager at the Irish Hospice Foundation, adds: “Everywhere we turn, we’re bombarded by unrealistic portrayals of how things should be. Everything looks gorgeous and happy, and the families are all functioning perfectly. These days, we’re bombarded even earlier, so the pressure may start earlier. The reality is that families are complex, especially when there’s been a loss.”
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Family therapist Catherine Rountree says that “many of my clients choose to set up appointments with me for just before Christmas, and then after to debrief. That is their acknowledgment that Christmas is not easy, and needs to be managed.
“Whether you decide to see family or do it alone, you can plan towards it and put some self-care boundaries in place. If you ask yourself what you want, give yourself permission to hear the answer.”
Managing the pitfalls
Practice saying no: “You have a right to say ‘no’ if you want to,” says Fennell. “Most people react better to clarity than to guessing what you really mean. If someone pushes back, it doesn’t mean your boundary is wrong, it just means they have a different expectation than you.”
He suggests some simple but firm phrases to practise:
- “I love that you thought of me, but I can’t commit to that this year.”
- “I can join for dinner, but I’ll need to head off early.”
- “Let me check if I realistically have time to make it.”
- “I want this to be enjoyable, so I’m stepping away from this topic before it gets heated.”
Plan ahead: By recognising potential challenges and triggers and planning coping strategies, we can better protect our mental wellbeing when we’re feeling stressed or overwhelmed.
If you have experienced a loss or are estranged from family, acknowledge that Christmas will be different this year. Ask yourself what parts of Christmas you can reasonably cope with, and what needs to be dropped. You don’t have to put up tinsel if it dredges up painful emotions.
“Christmas Day can be a minefield, so planning ahead means that the day doesn’t simply ‘happen to you’,” says Tierney. “It’s just so much easier if you can decide what you’re able for, and what feels like too much.”
Fennell adds: “The holidays amplify stress, so the goal isn’t to be stronger, it’s to plan smarter. When emotions spike, the rational brain temporarily goes offline, so the best tools are the ones you decide before you need them. Pre-decide your limits. Don’t rely on willpower. Before any event, decide what you’ll say ‘yes’ to, what you’ll decline, and how long you’ll stay.”
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And Rountree adds: “Be aware of your triggers, and don’t push yourself into something that is too much for you. Plan your exit if visiting family, and don’t be guilted into not honouring your needs. Be careful of alcohol if you are in a difficult triggering situation – it’s great to be sober and able to drive away if necessary, and not feel trapped.”
Speak up: If you’re spending Christmas with others, consider what might help you feel more comfortable, and communicate your needs to those around you. Give yourself permission to feel whatever you’re feeling, even if it doesn’t match the festive vibe around you.
“If somebody else is hosting, it’s okay to say in advance that you won’t be able for the whole day, or [that] you may need to step away,” says Tierney. “If you have experienced loss, it’s about normalising that it’s a difficult time, and to not have too-high expectations.
“If you’re grieving, there’s going to be some touchpoints in the day that are going to be very emotional. Maybe mum died and she was always the one that lit the pudding. Let the people around you know if you are comfortable talking about your loss so they’re not holding their breath. It’s easier if everyone understands that this is going to be difficult, but we’ll get through the day.”
Build in moments of rest during the holidays and remember that it’s perfectly fine to say you need that space.
”Feeling trapped intensifies triggers. One simple line like, “I’m stepping out for a quick breather,” can reset your emotional state. Even two minutes of fresh air helps regulate the brain’s stress response,” says Fennell. “The key is to prepare before emotions take over. We self-sabotage because our brain wants to default back to the familiar when we’re stressed due to internal anxiety and feeling uncomfortable.”
The Triple A approach: Fennell says that one of his go-to tools is the Triple A Method.
- Awareness: Notice early signs of stress such as tight shoulders, short fuse, exhaustion, feeling cranky, or lacking enthusiasm.
- Acceptance: Instead of forcing yourself to “power through”, pause and acknowledge what you feel. Name how you feel and then take the step to remedy the situation.
- Action: This is the point of action to make things better. A simple 10-minute walk or box breathing can help when we’re stressed. Call a friend to talk about it. Distract with a bath, a book, music or the gym. Even smelling a scented candle can have a small impact to distract and calm us. Christmas is a marathon of emotion. Pace beats perfection.
Be kind: Set aside time for the things that help you feel like yourself, festive or not. Watch a horror movie on Christmas Eve, go for a long walk, disappear with a book. Remind yourself that the holidays are only a small part of the year. Defining when Christmas begins and ends can help you feel more in control.
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“If you’re on your own or too sad to ‘do’ Christmas, that’s okay,” says Rountree. “Ask yourself what a caring friend would do for you, and do that for yourself, whether it’s staying on the sofa binge-watching a show, driving somewhere for a picnic, or gifting yourself something nice. Remember, it’s all fleeting. It’s just one day.
“Be gentle with yourself, especially if you’re grieving. Try to rest, eat well, keep some structure to your day, and accept support from caring friends and family. Grief is an exhausting process; mind yourself, and remember that it’s only one day and you can get through it,” says Tierney.
If you need support for your mental wellbeing at Christmas, there are supports and services available.
- Samaritans | 116 123 | Email jo@samaritans.org
- Irish Hospice Foundation | 1800 807077
- Text About It | Text HELLO to 50808
- Bodywhys | (01) 210 7906
