Question
I have three small children and have been separated for two years. My ex-husband is not involved in the children’s lives, so childcare is left to me. I have recently met someone who I am interested in exploring a relationship with.
Up to now, we have only met for a coffee or cinema trip. I have left the children in the care of close friends on these occasions. This person and I have spoken about moving things to the next stage, but I am concerned about how to approach it in a way that is healthy for my children.
Realistically, if things continue to develop, this person will eventually stay in my house and meet my children. I don’t have a support system that would allow them to stay with grandparents overnight. I also don’t want my children to get hurt if things don’t work out as they have already been through a difficult separation.
I would be grateful for any advice.
‘Although my current job has a structured career path and is secure, I find it meaningless’
‘I am divorced at 60, envious of my ex-husband’s new life and struggling with loneliness’
‘I’m dating a previously married man but I feel sad that I will always come second to his children’
‘A stranger entered our family and turned them all against us’
Answer
Firstly, it is wonderful that you are open to loving again after what sounds like a negative experience. It is also tough that you are on your own with all the childcare responsibilities, but this may be reassuring for the children if the breakup has been traumatic – they can now have predictability in their lives.
It may be very natural for your children (even when quite small) to want to protect you from further pain or upset. With that in mind, they may be very cautious about you starting a new relationship and could react to your new partner with some degree of trepidation.
You can prepare the way for them by being open about the fact that you have met someone you like. Let them know that you would like them to meet the person. You will need to pay close attention to your children’s reactions as each of them may need different things at different times. They have lost one parent and for them, the possibility of losing another is a real concern.
[ ‘I was overheard saying my date wasn’t very good-looking. Now he’s blocking me’Opens in new window ]
[ ‘I’m a woman in my early 30s, and I’m exhausted by dating’Opens in new window ]
Take this slowly and let the children know that you will involve them in every step. It might be a good idea to spend time with each child separately. This will allow them to bring up their questions or objections in their own way. It may also reassure them to know that you are making time for each of them as well as for your potential partner.
It would be good to organise fun things to do initially, outside the home and in a place where there is plenty of distraction. You should not set about trying to fix everyone’s worries, Instead, allow these concerns to be expressed and be patient with this process as there are a number of people’s needs to be taken into account.
Organising meals where your potential partner is invited over can be fun for the children, especially if you involve them in the cooking, choosing of music and other related areas.
Ultimately, you are probably hoping that the person you are seeing develops their own individual relationship with each child. This does not have to be in the role of caretaker or parent, but rather as a friend and caring adult.
Don’t be afraid to avail of this service if you find that your situation is proving too difficult
When you are broaching the idea of that person spending the night, you could introduce it as a sleepover similar to what children do on a play date. It would be nice to have some joint play, such as popcorn and a movie, but be clear that you will need time alone.
Having a lock on the door and some music playing in your bedroom will help with your fear of the children walking in. All this should be done slowly, with frequent reflections, plan-making and plan-adjusting discussions.
Everyone involved will have different expectations around what should be happening and you will be the focus of almost everyone’s hopes and desires. It is important that you have time for yourself so that you are not always on alert. Having friends you can debrief with (who won’t judge you) can be very helpful. If you are feeling particularly overwhelmed, make sure that your go-to action is to take a break for yourself before making any decisions.
There are some wonderful family therapists who can assist with the complexities of this situation. Don’t be afraid to avail of this service if you find that your situation is proving too difficult.
Sometimes, it is very helpful to hear a professional call things out or to make suggestions. This is also good because it allows you to be a follower rather than someone who is always in charge of everyone and everything.
It will also serve your family well to see that you are brave enough, and have moved on significantly, to embrace love again.
- To send your question to Trish Murphy, fill in the form below, click here or email tellmeaboutit@irishtimes.com
