A mother, who was diagnosed with schizophrenia when her son was six months old, says she was “terrified” to talk about her mental health during pregnancy and early motherhood.
Danielle (35) said five years before pregnancy, she tried to explain to a GP how she was seeing things, “but he didn’t understand what I was trying to say. He gave me eczema cream because I have very bad eczema and he sent me home”.
When her son was three months old, she says she was “walking around in circles talking to myself” and was scared for her baby. She got professional support but wishes she had opened up about her mental health earlier.
Danielle shares her experience as almost half of parents surveyed say they have had poor mental health at some point since having children, according to new research, and nearly one in two of those believe this has had a negative impact on their children.
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The issues range from having a diagnosed mental illness, for just over one in 10 parents, to many more experiencing anxiety, depression and burnout.
The findings are “a bit shocking”, says Stephanie Whyte, director of services at Barnardos, which commissioned the survey. “Nearly half of parents tell us that they have periods of low mood and depression at some point, or [are] feeling overwhelmed most of the time, or feeling depressed most of the time, which is quite a significant thing to say.”
This representative snapshot of 1,000 parents across the general population in Ireland, captured by Amárach Research, gives an insight into stresses that are often hidden behind closed doors.
The survey results indicate that about half of all children live with a parent with poor mental health for at least part of their childhood. In the absence of adequate support, this can put children at greater risk of developing their own mental health problems, disengaging from school, struggling to build friendships and generally experiencing poorer wellbeing.
“We don’t talk enough in Ireland about how actually being a parent is really hard,” says Whyte. “There’s a societal and cultural assumption that you’re able to do it and you know what to do and you just get on with it.” As a result, there can be a stigma around people admitting they are struggling and seeking help.
We do need parents to admit when things aren’t going well and we do need them to reach out
— Stephanie Whyte, Barnardos
Lack of family support resources is a big part of the problem, but so too, she suggests, is “shame that parents are made feel if they’re not saying, ‘things are going great; my children are amazing and I’m loving parenting’. It is far from great a lot of the time.”
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Yet, in the world of social media and influencers, images abound of seemingly happy parents and their kids doing great things. “If you are really at the end of your tether ... you don’t need that daily reminder,” she says, “that everybody else is doing great and I’m the only one in the world who’s doing terribly badly.”
Asked in the survey how often they feel a) overwhelmed; b) anxious; c) depressed; d) burnt out/exhausted, nearly every parent (95 per cent) says they currently experience one of those at least some of the time. More than half (54 per cent) feel all of these at least some of the time.
Feeling burnout/exhaustion would seem to be unavoidable at certain parenting stages but 24 per cent say they experience this “most of the time”. In that frame of mind, what parent hasn’t snapped at a child as a result?
Whyte agrees: “You have moments where you do that. But when that becomes the characteristic nature of the relationship with the child, that’s when it starts to become harmful to the child’s development.”
Children are very forgiving, so parents don’t have to be perfect all of the time, she stresses. “But if that negativity, or that harshness, or that detachment, or that disengagement, becomes characteristic of their day-to-day involvement with their parents, that’s when it becomes a problem.”
Barnardos is calling for more awareness-raising about the extent of parental mental health difficulties and the potential harm for their children. “We do need that national conversation; we do need parents to admit when things aren’t going well and we do need them to reach out and get help,” says Whyte. However, when they do ask, “we need to be able to respond and provide it”.
Issues covered by the survey fall within a wide spectrum of mental health, “but underpinning all of it is being able to provide help to individual families at the time that they need it and that’s what’s not happening.”
Early intervention can help bolster the parent-child relationship before it starts to spiral into self-recrimination on both sides. Children are inclined to think they are to blame when they experience parental negativity. While for parents struggling with mental health, a sense of failure and guilt is reinforced if they see the impact of their own troubles on their children.
“The last thing we want is that a parent reaches out and says, ‘I’m struggling and I need help’, and then we have to put them on a waiting list because there aren’t supports available in their communities,” says Whyte. “Children can’t wait, because a six- or 10-month or a year-long waiting list for a child who is age six or seven is obviously a very, very long time.”
In addition to an increase in community parental supports, Barnardos is also highlighting the importance of not looking at parents’ mental health in isolation from the family around them. It believes the parenting status of all adults who engage with mental health services should be recorded and a referral offered to all families with children under 18 to local family support services, which need to be sufficiently funded.
“This is to ensure that supports can be put in place for them so that the chance of their difficulties impacting on their children is reduced,” says Whyte. Similarly, children and young people’s mental health should not be viewed in isolation from their home environment and family wellbeing.
Parental stress
There are marked differences between male and female responses to the survey. Mothers are two and a half times more likely to say they feel overwhelmed most of the time (25 per cent) compared to fathers (10 per cent) and almost twice as likely to feel anxious most of the time (20 per cent compared to 12 per cent).
Whyte attributes this to context rather than gender. It reflects that mothers tend to have greater responsibility for the day-to-day tasks of rearing children. In addition, lone-parenting is more challenging and there are over five times more one-parent mother families than one-parent father families – 186,487 versus 33,509, according to the 2022 Census.
The Barnardos study finds parents in one-parent households are twice as likely as parents in two-parent households to say they feel overwhelmed most of the time (29 per cent compared to 15 per cent), and two and a half times more likely to say they are depressed most of the time (19 per cent compared to 7 per cent).
Parents tell us, and this is obvious, says Whyte, but when you have low mood or depression, you’re tired. The daily predictable routine that children need is more difficult to do.
Of the parents who say their mental health has negatively impacted their children:
- Half say it led to increased anxiety within their children and 55 per cent say it increased struggles regulating emotions.
- 39 per cent believe it increased children’s struggles with friendships/relationships
- 35 per cent see increased difficulties engaging in schools.
- 46 per cent say their children have become less confident and a similar number more withdrawn and less secure.
Danielle says mental health issues had hit her “out of the blue” one morning about five years before she was pregnant with her son. She started having visions of “horrible things being done” to family members and them crying for her help.
“I was walking around trying to protect people’s kids and I was actually scaring them because in my head someone was going to harm them.” She was referred to mental health services, but that episode passed within a week or two – only to return “with a vengeance” about seven months later.
“I had nothing or nobody to turn to ... I was completely isolated and alone.”
She tried to explain to a GP how she was seeing things, “but he didn’t understand what I was trying to say. He gave me eczema cream because I have very bad eczema and he sent me home”.
“The voices in my head then told me that even he’s telling me to keep my mouth shut. I became a prisoner in my own mind for four and a half years.”
By the time she became pregnant, she had lost her job, her home and had been abandoned by her baby’s father. Living in a homeless women’s shelter in Limerick, she was put in touch with Barnardos and Tusla support services “because everybody knew I had mental health problems but me”.
She is full of praise for a Barnardos support worker, an “earth angel”, who helped in many ways, including bringing nappies, second-hand baby clothes and food vouchers. “I know she wasn’t going into my mind and making it better, but I didn’t have to worry about some things because of her.”
Danielle had always been determined to breastfeed her baby, so would not countenance the thought of having to take medication.
“My son was three months old when I switched him from the breast to the bottle and everything that was going on inside my head erupted. He started sleeping for three to four hours in between feeds and for those three to four hours, I was walking around in circles talking to myself.”
After a few weeks, she became scared for her baby.
“I got worried for the way my mind was going,” says Danielle (35), who contacted a relative. She was brought to hospital, where “I broke down and I told them everything”.
Her son was six months old when she was diagnosed with schizophrenia, which is now well controlled with medication. Looking back, she wishes she had opened up about her mental health earlier.
“Things could have been so much different if I had spoken,” she said.
Now she believes the more mental health is discussed and the more support provided, the better. “There are really good people who are capable of doing things by mistake because of what’s going on in their head.”
Danielle might have been one of them. But with the right medical treatment and parenting support, her life is now all that she had ever wished for. At age six, her son is “the brightest, happiest, happy-go-lucky little boy I’ve ever met”, she says, which she attributes to the education and the support she received from Barnardos.
[ Managing parenting stress and making time for self-careOpens in new window ]
“They don’t come into your home as a form of authority. They respect you as a human being, regardless of knowledge.” She recalls how a support worker told her: “You can do it and you will.”
“I needed that,” says Danielle, who will still ring for support “when I feel I’m failing as a parent”. Meanwhile, she adds: “I’m working. My son is in full-time education. I have my own house. I have a future.”
- Barnardos parent support line 1800 910 123 is open, Monday-Friday, 10am-2pm.
- Parentline 01-873 3500 is open Monday-Thursday, 10am-9pm and Friday, 10am-7pm.
