An idiot’s guide to winning the US presidency

Follow these 10 points for a fail-safe way to win the race for the White House. Might even work in other countries.

1. Aim for confusion. Never answer a question. Always repeat everything, a few times. Shake your head in disbelief, it makes the other person appear stupid. Purse your lips, squeeze your mouth into a round "o" and do the narrowed eyes thing. Don't trust anybody. Ever. Remember don't trust anyone and make sure to check your partner's ballot…

2. Don't prepare for anything. All that stuff, proposals, plans, briefings, policy: it's better to bluster out the first thing that comes into your mind. Shock the suckers. Be outrageous, it generates headlines. Make lots of crazy promises, just try not to burst out laughing. If in doubt insult somebody – ethnic minorities, the disabled, women – there is always somebody vulnerable.

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Step eight: Keep it simple. (Photo by Justin Sullivan/Getty Images)

3. Play on the weakness, hatred and fear. White people hate everybody. Capitalise on their closet racism and paranoia – it just decided the US election. Identify your voters: stupid and embittered are perfect; too angry to think; they react. "Unthinking anger", love it, love it. Any intending candidate has got to exploit the "angry reaction faction".

4. Grab yourself some catchy soundbites such as "Let's make America great again". That was stolen from Ronald Reagan a lifetime ago, and recycled recently to devastating effect.

5. Pretend you are one of the people – what a thought. The common touch thing (for "common" read raucous, rude, ignorant) is always a winner. Buy yourself a bunch of baseball caps and be seen hugging flags. If you can cry, use it… the old watery eyes, the catch in the voice.

6. Practise making faces; especially the hate-stare – it suits all occasions. And finger jabbing, aim for the face or the chest... humiliate at all costs. It's a proven way of imposing a bigly personality. You can be disgusting and embarrassing and rude but well, it's a macho thing, the guys love it. Heck lots of guys talk dirty about women and lots of women don't seem to mind.

7. Perform, play to the mob. America is a reality TV show, so any serious contender for the White House should consider the benefits of reality TV. You too can lie and insinuate your way into the White House. It's just been done. Simply speak louder than everyone else. Because everything is possible in America.

8. Keep it simple: you only need two words ("bigly" and "great" have been taken). And if you have small hands, why not just invest in extensions? Don't forget fake tan – you want to look like a man of the people, out there toiling, even if you've never worked a day in your life.

9. Make sure to shock journalists. They are fascinated by monsters and enjoy being righteous and correct. Brag, bully and swagger – men will admire you and some women will definitely vote for you.

10. Let the comedians and chat-show hosts keep you smack dab in the middle of the public's attention and sit back, relax, hug a flag, grab a woman's body... like taking candy from babies, and boy, are most voters babies. They'll believe anything.