MATRON tossing, suggests John B. Keane, should be the latest sporting fixture. "I would opt for the maturer woman approaching middle age, a woman not easily rattled and a woman who would not flinch when she is seized suddenly and violently by the thigh," he wrote in his column in the Harlequin living and leisure supplement, which is distributed with many local newspapers.

Tossed parties would be "more than average weight and plump, but firm," and outfitted in bathing togs. The tossers, males of known strength and durability in their 30s and 40s, would bear down upon the females, run with them towards the edge of the pool and toss them as far as possible. If feminists object, why not have "Buck the hoyos or whatever," he suggested. Feminists would undoubtedly approve of seeing John Keane tossed any time, although he is probably not plump and firm enough.

What hope is there for the depressives, the alcoholics and the agoraphobic of Cavan when they live in a place where even the psychologists dare not go? That was the question implicit in the Anglo Celt's front page report: "Health specialists not coming to Cavan - Call to Government to Intervene."

"They won't go to Cavan. They won't live there," the chairman of the North Eastern Health Board, Dr Hugh Dolan, was quoted as telling other health board members, who pressed him on the failure to have the necessary complement of psychologists and speech therapists appointed to the county.

The real sufferers were the children in need of speech therapy, who "weren't being seen until they were seven or eight and should be given help earlier," said Mr Paddy O'Reilly, of Virginia.

"Clare teens in health limbo," said the Clare Champion's headline. In the past few weeks nine teenagers, aged 16-18, have been unable to receive psychiatric treatment after suffering breakdowns or attempting suicide because they are "simply the wrong age", too young for adult services and too old for child psychiatry services, it said.

The BSE scare made headlines and editorials across the country, with Northern newspapers' headlines telling their own story. The Impartial Reporter said "local farmers facing ruin in beef disaster", and the Examiner of Crossmaglen declared "Crisis in local farming Community".

The Northern Standard focused on the "criminal element" which was attempting to smuggle cattle into the Republic, commenting "Mad cows? Mad men!".

How badly the Southern beef industry was being affected depended on which newspaper you read. The Nationalist and Munster Advertiser led with: "S. Tipp beef is safe, top vet says", while the Sligo Champion and the Kerryman led with a collapse in beef sales, which both newspapers estimated to be 40 per cent.

Reporting from the "beef bastion of Meath", the Meath Chronicle urged readers to "keep calm", seek the full facts and promote Irish beef worldwide. Failing total assurance that beef was safe, it urged renders to consider the point that "over 400 people were killed on the roads last year, but we don't stop using them".

The Longford News commented that BSE is probably the least of the consumer's worries: "The Mad Cow scare in reality is far less serious than some other modern farming practices that have gone unchecked in Ireland and elsewhere."

While the scare was just that - a scare backed up by inadequate scientific evidence - governments had "only themselves to blame" for the consumer reaction. They "are paying the price for not enforcing various controls in farming going back many years.

"In this country we have had stories of reactor cattle being slaughtered illegally in meat factories and finding their way back into the food chain ... People engaged in the meat industry seem to have got away with a level of non compliance of Government and EU regulations that other industries do not enjoy. Why is this so?"

Indeed. The Wexford People hit the nub of the issue, saying it was the ordinary consumer's impression that powerful vested interests would do anything to protect the beef industry". The Tipperary Star commented that, while producers had an opportunity to market Irish beef as safe, "we were seen as untrustworthy in our dealings in this key industry, and our behaviour... is now being monitored at European level."

The Andersonstown News continues to count the small steps towards peace - certain key pragmatic moves which may not make international headlines - telling us that an Irish language primary school in the "mini Gaeltacht" area has won its fight for British government funding.

The lifting, last Thursday, of a four year ban on funding the school was described as "a tribute to the ordinary people of west Belfast" and "the realisation of a dream" by Mr Tomas O Muireagain, who started work on the school 15 years ago.