When the resolve dissolves

IT'S the third weekend of the New Year and already things are beginning to settle down. The non-drinkers are starting to drift back into the pubs. "Well, it's foolish to be doctrinaire about these things, you know that's just as bad as being hooked on the drink in the first place. A balanced view is what's needed, not all this On The Jar or Off The Jar. And it's well-known that a couple of drinks a day keep the arteries open, the chin firm and the eyes bright."

The books on How to Master Spoken Swahili are hidden on some shelf under the RTE Guide and last week's property supplement of The Irish Times. "I mean, I will master the thing. Eventually. There's no way I'm going back to Africa without being able to speak it, but it doesn't have to be done in a rush. It's a bit pointless learning their language when we can't even speak our own. I might take a few Irish lessons first. In a while."

The daily walk has assumed less importance than it had last week. It doesn't really have to be every single day to do you good. "You know, there's a school of thought that says walking when stressed is actually bad for you, it sort of cements in the stress, as it were. And I don't see any point in going out in the freezing cold, rain even, and maybe catching pneumonia, when there are a dozen things that really do have to be done. I'd only be worrying about them when I'm walking and that's totally counterproductive."

The diet has become less harsh, and there's no need to weigh things any more. "For goodness sake, a helping is a helping. Only nerds weigh out grams of this and grams of that. It's not a question of backsliding or anything, it's just that we've got to live in the real world. You're not going to ask your hostess how many grams are in that piece of fish, and they'd look at you very strangely in a restaurant if you asked them to take the lamb chop back to be weighed. It's more a question of being sensible and not having puddings, unless they're fruit salads."

The novel is at page 23. There was something exciting about the thought of doing 10 pages a week until the end of July and then revising it, but in a way isn't that like painting by numbers? "After all, anyone could write a formula novel by just doing so many pages a week. It's a bit lacking in soul isn't it? To be a real book you'd have to write when the muse is there, not make these silly rules and phoney deadlines. When I have something to write I'll write it. Isn't that fair?"

THE going-to-the-theatre-once-a-week was a worthy notion but just not practical. It would be a different kettle of fish if you were talking about the West End in London or Broadway. But really, here it's ludicrous.

"No I haven't semen The Importance of Being Earnest, but we did it at school years ago, I remember it, and we read A Tale of Two Cities at school too. I believe it's good, but it will be on for ages won't it? And I saw a bit of D'Unbelievables on television, so I sort of know that scene, and I, saw the film of the The Rocky Horror Show years ago. And the pantos are only for children - they'd be looking at you if you went in to one without a gaggle of kids ... listen, just wait till something comes on and I'll book. Believe me."

That getting up an hour earlier hasn't stuck particularly well. The mornings are so dark for one thing. It's like getting up in the night.

"Now I'm the first to admit that I was never great at getting out of the scratcher, but listen, there's no point in doing something just for the sake of it. You read about all these driven people, who get up in the night when they should be sleeping like ordinary people, and what good does, it do them? They're half asleep all bloody day, that's what happens. Their eyes get all narrowed, they can't concentrate on anything, and it's all a result of getting up for no reason. What can you do at six o'clock in the morning - listen to the radio? Some daft programme about farming on the BBC? And then be dozing off all day? I don't buy this business about putting 365 extra hours, into your life. It's just destroying 365 days as far as I'm concerned."

The weekly saving plan has hit a few obstacles. Oh yes, very fine, put aside a fiver each Saturday, physically put it into a box like a child's money box. Through a slot. Then at the end of the year you have £260 in cash for a treat, mad money that you can spend on anything, without feeling guilty. Great idea.

There is £10 in the box today.

Correction, there was £10 in the box.

"There was this fellow we had sponsored on a walk and he had to get a fiver, and then there was the night when there was nothing on television and we just sent out one of the children for a video and a carton of ice-cream. What's the winter for if you can't have a few small pleasures, and anyway, it's a cashless society nowadays, everything's done by standing order or credit card, it's actually very hard to lay your hands on any cash as such."

And in this house, its a matter of going on line.

"Well look, of course we'll be on the Internet any day now. It's just that I'm a bit too tired at, this very moment after a day's work to ring a bright young mind in Ireland On-Line and get taken through Config and Netscape again by someone of 23 whose politeness is nothing short of heroic.