JANUARY "You can add Thomond Park to Fatima, Knock and Lourdes. The lame will come here and walk, they'll be selling water here, because this defies logic."- RTÉ's George Hook after Munster beat Gloucester 33-6 in the European Cup.

"I think hiring him is a terrible mistake."

- Andy Townsend on Brian Kerr's appointment as Irish manager.

"There's been some criticism from ex-pros, but these are the sort of people who think that the world starts at Land's End and ends at John-o'-Groat's."

- Bohemians manager Stephen Kenny's response to Townsend's comments (above).

Reporter: "It's been said that your weakness is that you have never played at the highest level."

Brian Kerr: "Well, I don't think the FAI has hired me as a player - they've hired me as a manager."

"Arsenal are streets ahead of everyone in this league, and Manchester United are up there with them, obviously."

- Newcastle's Craig Bellamy, obviously.

"Being a Kerry manager is probably the hardest job in the world because Kerry people, I'd say, are the roughest type of fucking animals you could ever deal with. And you can print that."

- Páidí Ó Sé, feeling the strain in the Kingdom.

"I don't think Lee Bowyer is racist at all, I think he would stamp on anybody's head."

- Rodney Marsh, meaning well, but Bowyer should probably avoid hiring him as a legal representative next time he's in trouble.

"I'm sick of people telling me to relax, they can stick my heart up their arses."

- Atletico Madrid owner Jesus Gil, who had just had a pacemaker installed.

FEBRUARY

"I hear 'gypo' a lot because, I guess, I look like a tramp. But the worst thing that's ever been said was someone comparing me to an Afghan hound. That upsets you a bit. And someone used the word 'inbred', which was a bit strong."

- Birmingham's Robbie "Goldilocks" Savage.

"I don't want to be institutionalised in a hotel, singing stupid songs and showing my arse to all and sundry."

- Welsh rugby international Scott Gibbs on why he gave up touring.

"My job as Iraqi national coach is at an end. My players will be called up to the army in the next few days. I am bitterly disappointed that politics can find no other way than lobbing bombs on my footballers."

- Iraq football manager, German Bernd Stange.

"I despise them as much as they despise everybody else. And as long as we beat England I wouldn't mind if we lost every other game in the Six Nations."

- France's Imanol Harinordoquy, well up for his country's Six Nations' knockabout with Clive Woodward's boys.

"A goal is going to decide this in many ways." - David O'Leary, sharing his expertise with Sky Sports viewers.

"As one door closes, another one shuts."

- Howard Wilkinson, enjoying life as Sunderland manager.

"I drank a lot of beers in several pubs. I was sick like never before. Maybe I was trapped."

- French prop Pieter de Villiers, after testing positive for cocaine and ecstasy. "With eight or 10 minutes to go, they were able to bring Nicky Butt back and give him 15 to 20 minutes."

- Niall Quinn loses count.

MARCH

"Poisoned by his mother? It ranks up there with 'I got it from the toilet seat'."

- Dick Pound, chairman of the World Anti-Doping Agency, on Shane Warne's claim that he failed a drug test because of a tablet given to him by his mother.

"It's going to get very twitchy over the next few weeks, it's squeeze-your-bum time."

- Alex Ferguson, getting ready for a buttock-crushing climax to the English Premiership season.

"There was a fair bit of ritual disembowelment carried out on the team by the media at the time, more to do with a scene from Hannibal than ER."

- Irish rugby coach Eddie O'Sullivan, remembering the time the press ate Ireland's liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti (after two Six Nations losses).

"Damien has been known to suffer from time to time from, eh, adhesive mattress syndrome."

- Brian Kerr, revealing that young Damien Duff is somewhat fond of his kip.

"If they don't win today I will have their balls in my salad."

- Maurizio Zamparini, president of Italian side Palermo. Palermo drew 2-2 with Livorno that day, and since then they're not half the men they used to be.

"If you look at the table then we have been whitewashed, but if you study the games then you'll see that we have made progress."

- Wales coach Steve Hansen, insisting Welsh rugby's glass was half full, despite looking positively empty after a grim Six Nations campaign.

"I just wish the politicians would take it easy."

- Irish under-20 player Ian Simpemba after the World Youth Cup was postponed due to the threat of war in Iraq.

"By my accent people immediately presume that I'm English. That's understandable because I sound more like Del Trotter than Pat Spillane."

- Londoner Kevin O'Connor (Brentford), after he was called up to the Irish under-21 squad.

"People can say what they want about me not speaking to the telly, but I did speak to them, and to the press and the radio, to tell them that after that particular game I wasn't going to say anything."

- Graham Taylor. Do we not understand that?

APRIL

"Of course, the Greek mentality is nice, but as someone responsible, one would like less improvisation."

- The IOC's Denis Oswald on preparations for the Athens Olympics.

"It's like watching God."

- Alan McManus after seeing Ronnie O'Sullivan score a 147 in six minutes and 30 seconds at the World Championships.

"Like a woman on her wedding day - nervous, out of position and hoping everything would soon be over so she could go up to the bedroom."

- Spanish newspaper Marca's description of Fabien Barthez's performance against Real Madrid in the Champions League.

"One moment I'm playing football and the next, whack, I wake up in hospital unconscious."

- Ex-Scottish footballer Alan Brazil on the time he defied medical science.

"Saddam Hussein is more likely to reform himself than Mike Tyson."

- Richard J Codey, urging the New Jersey Athletic Board not to re-license the fighter.

"Being linked with Aberdeen is news to me. I don't know where it is, to be honest."

- Swindon's splendidly named and geographically challenged Australian midfielder, Danny Invincible.

MAY

"They have to remember that morality is not suspended because Celtic are in a cup final."

- The Archbishop of Glasgow warning Celtic supporters to desist from "reckless sexual behaviour" while in Seville for the UEFA Cup final.

"What a player. Even when he farts he seems to score."

- Alessandro del Piero (Juventus) on Ruud van Nistelrooy's gas talents.

"Is football a better game than cricket? Well, to be honest, yeah."

- England cricket captain Michael Vaughan

"There's only one club in Europe that you can leave Manchester United for - Real Madrid or Barcelona."

- John Aldridge.

"French whine - bottle not included."

- A Manchester United banner after United won/Arsenal threw away the Premiership title.

"We've made an improvement, and I think from fourth to third at the top of the Premiership is a massive step. It's not so massive when you're 20th and you finish 19th or if you're 19th and you finish 18th or even if you finish 18th and then finish 17th. But I think when you move up a place at the top, it's quite massive, so we've had an improvement."

- Bobby Robson sums up Newcastle's season, as only Bobby Robson can.

"You can say it's a club that's sinking but it's Leeds United - it's a liner, not a canoe."

- Peter Reid, then Leeds manager. Since then the club has found itself up the creek without a paddle.

JUNE

"It's not that I can't play on grass."

- Britain's Julie Pullin, after losing in the first round of Wimbledon for the ninth time.

"We ask people to focus on our ability, not on our disabilities. We have many talents, you know. We never stop trying. We know how to win. We know how to have a party. So let's have a party."

- Former Special Olympics athlete Rita Lawlor at the opening ceremony of this summer's Games.

"You never beat the All Blacks, you just score more points than them."

- English rugby coach Clive Woodward on the New Zealand media's reaction to England's victory over theAll Blacks.

"Lleyton Hewitt may not be the worst Wimbledon champion, but he is certainly the dumbest."

- Ted Schroeder, now 82 and a Wimbledon winner in 1949, pays tribute to the Australian.

"I think he called himself Mustapha Poundnote."

- Boxing promoter Frank Warren, a touch cynical about Chris Eubank's brief conversion to Islam during a visit to Egypt.

JULY

"I don't plan on being this vulnerable next year."

- Lance Armstrong's definition of vulnerability? Winning a fifth consecutive Tour de France.

"Right now, many people are probably saying, 'well, he doesn't belong there', but I know I do, so that's all that matters. I'm just a normal guy who happens to have a lot of talent."

- Golfer Ben "Who?" Curtis, after winning the British Open.

"I didn't really understand what he was saying, to be honest."

- Damien Duff on his first chat with Chelsea manager Claudio Ranieri.

"I miss pie and mash and jellied eels."

- David Beckham on what Madrid cannot offer him.

"You never know, in a few years I could be back as a Rovers player again - please God."

- Damien Duff, settling in nicely at Chelsea.

"There are lots of rich, young people in Russia. We don't live that long, so we earn it and spend it."

- Roman Abramovich. But are they happy?

AUGUST

"Someone bought me some spikes but they did not help me much, as you saw."

- Afghanistan's Lima Azimi, whose time of 18.37 seconds was three seconds slower than any athlete has ever run in the women's 100 metres at the World Championships.

"Some dopey, hairy-backed Sheila has dobbed him in."

- David Hookes, Victoria cricket coach, after Shane Warne was accused of making rude phone calls to a South African woman.

"People seem to think that I'm some kind of country hick who spent all my time in the hills above Blackburn."

- Damien Duff, fed up of hearing that the bright lights of London would blind him.

"I don't mind the curiosity. I know it looks unusual. I don't like abuse though. Most days you are fine but if you are having a bad day you feel like sticking up the finger . . . it's not like I'm trying to run but can't."

- Irish walker Gillian O'Sullivan on dealing with gawkers when she's out training.

"I kind of felt it was going to be a good day today."

- O'Sullivan again - this time the gawkers saw her win silver at the World Championships in the 20-kilometre walk.

"He had to come off, he'd got cramp in both legs and in his hair."

- Birmingham's Steve Bruce on Robbie Savage's unique medical problems.

SEPTEMBER

"The baby is doing really well, although I am a little worried because she is very dark. I have blond hair and my wife is also blonde. It's worrying because most of my Ducati colleagues are Italian."

- World Superbike champion Neil Hodgson on his new daughter. Well, he hopes she's his new daughter.

"When he was carried off at Leicester someone asked me if he was unconscious, but I didn't have a clue - that's what he's always like."

- Southampton's Gordon Strachan on the evidently not so dynamic Claus Lundekvam.

"You don't have to blame anyone, but it was two goalkeeping errors."

- Riet Kuper, the Irish women's hockey coach, tries not to point the finger, but does.

"Liverpool are my nap selection - I prefer to sleep when they're on the box."

- Former QPR legend Stan Bowles, unimpressed by Liverpool's tactics

"A shoot-out is for new up-and-coming drivers. I wouldn't do it, you wouldn't do it and Madonna wouldn't do it."

- Jacques Villeneuve, after being told by BAR that he might have to race in a "shoot-out" to retain his place in the team. His opponent? Not sure - but hardly Madonna.

"It's like asking Mick Jagger to stand in front of the Pop Idol panel to prove he's not past his sell-by date."

- Eddie Irvine on BAR's shoot-out idea for Villeneuve.

"There could be fatalities - or, even worse, injuries."

- Sky Sports pundit Phil Neal, expressing concerns about England's trip to Turkey.

OCTOBER

"A bad, bad, bad day."

- David Connolly, after defeat by Switzerland ended Ireland's Euro 2004 qualifying hopes.

"Once again he had brain fade at a vital moment."

- Eddie Irvine on a manoeuvre that cost Juan Pablo Montoya a Grand Prix victory.

"Premier League football is a multi-million-pound industry with the aroma of a blocked toilet and the principles of a knocking shop."

- Chat-show king Michael Parkinson suggesting that the game might have lost a bit of its beauty.

"If it is the case that you need just a first 11 and three or four more players, then why did Christopher Columbus sail to India to discover America?"

- Chelsea manager Claudio Ranieri asks a question that, three months later, nobody can answer.

"The finishing is something we need to sort out."

- Sammy McIlroy makes a sharp observation after Northern Ireland completed 1,242 minutes without a goal.

"I feel like I am the captain of the Titanic."

- Namibia coach Dave Waterston, not exactly in buoyant form ahead of the rugby World Cup.

"I started trying to pull the baboon out of the lion's mouth. It didn't work. So I hit the lion in the face with my fist, but it just closed its eyes. So I head-butted it."

- Namibia's Schalk van der Merwe on his intensive training for the rugby World Cup.

"Sending that twat home."

- Mick McCarthy chooses the highlight of his time in charge of Ireland.

"If (rugby) Union is the game they play in heaven, then God, please send me to hell."

- A letter from a rugby league fan to the Daily Telegraph.

NOVEMBER

"Laurent Robert said I was picking the wrong team - at the time I was because he was in it."

- Newcastle's Bobby Robson. That shut Robert up.

"That was the hardest tackle that I've taken in my life, but I am still breathing, so that is a good sign."

- South Africa's Derick Hougaard after surviving (just) a bone-crushing tackle from Samoan Brian Lima.

"Who knows what's going to happen? I pray. God's the only one who can help me."

- After failing a dope test not even divine intervention will get Dwain Chambers to next year's Olympics.

"It is a simple thing. My desire is still there. I'd like to play for another 10 years if I had the chance. The heart is willing, the head is willing, but the body has had enough."

- Keith Wood, on his retirement after Ireland's defeat by France.

"I knew it wasn't going to be our day when I arrived and found that we had a woman running the line. She should be at home making the tea or the dinner for her man who comes in after he has been to the football."

- Albion Rovers manager Peter Hetherston who, one hopes, found his dinner in the dog when he got home.

"Go back in history, look at the English army. Who goes to war wearing red coats?"

- Australian rugby player Toutai Kefu takes Pom-bashing to new heights - although the question he asked was a reasonable one.

"Oranges 6 Lemons 0."

- The Scottish Daily Record's take on Scotland's setback in Holland.

"You can't just say it's the one boy, it's the whole team."

- A critic of those who claimed Jonny Wilkinson won the rugby World Cup for England (Her name? Philippa Wilkinson. The Ma).

DECEMBER

"When the golden goal went in it was like doing 10 years in prison and then walking out and getting a smack of a bus."

- Ireland under-20 manager Gerry Smith after Ireland fought back from 2-0 down against Colombia in the World Youth Cup, only to lose to a golden goal.

Weakest Link presenter Anne Robinson: "In language, what word describes both a couple who have agreed to be married and an occupied toilet?"

Boxer Audley Harrison: "Eh, busy?"

"Tony Adams was a born winner, from a very young age."

- Peterborough manager Barry Fry.

"Say you find that all your heroes - Elvis Presley, Frank Sinatra, Carl Lewis, Jesse Owens, Fanny Blankers-Koen, Emile Zatopek, Enrico Caruso, Beniamino Gili, and even back as far as Jesus Christ - were all on something, do you just cancel them all?"

- Jimmy Magee defending the inclusion of Michelle de Bruin in his 25 Greatest Irish Sport Moments video.

"It sums up British sport that when you achieve something fantastic someone has to try and make a joke of it. To pick a guy that has little or no respect in the world of international rugby was a crass decision."

- England rugby coach Clive Woodward failing to see the funny side of the BBC'schoice of David Campese to present his side with the Team of the Year trophy.

"It's about time the GAA woke up. The ban has been gone since 1973 - if Frank Sinatra can play in Croke Park, then why not the Irish international rugby team?"

- Éire Óg delegate Pat Daly at the GAA convention in Cork.

"I would not let anybody into the car park, not to mention into Croke Park."

- Munster Council Treasurer Dan Hoare says 'out, out, out' to soccer, rugby and the deceased Ol' Blue Eyes.