Storm in a teacup as El Tel manages to slip up once again

TV VIEW:REMEMBER BACK when Terry Venables was, seemingly, in the running for the Republic of Ireland post but one or 12 of his detractors alleged he had too many outside interests to ever allow him concentrate on the footballing job in hand? Granted, they also thought he was rubbish, which somewhat bolstered their case against him, but much was made of El Tel being easily distracted. Not least by his media engagements.

In some ways we think, on reflection, he might be happy enough Giovanni Trapattoni saw off his challenge for the position because El Tel doesn't half enjoy his extracurricular activities - like, for example, his appearance on Celebrity Mr & Mrson Saturday night.

His enemies have often suggested his closet is so packed with skeletons it's bulging at the hinges, and we wondered if the FAI were aware of one of these skeletons - cup-of-tea-gate - long before it was publicly revealed on Celebrity Mr & Mrs, forcing them to rule him out as a candidate.

He's been married to Yvette, we learned, for nigh on two decades, but she had to wait eight years before he offered to make her a cup of tea. Some would say he was too busy banjaxing Australia, Portsmouth and Leeds to have time to fiddle about with tea-bags, but, whatever the truth, Tel didn't seem to realise just how shameful all of this was, instead doing that Après Matchchuckle of his that sounds like a cross between Santa and emphysema.

And even then, Yvette told us, the cuppa took an age to make, largely because El Tel had put the electric kettle on the gas hob, which he didn't know how to turn on. Which, when you think about it, was just as well, really.

Yvette, in fairness, gives as good as she gets, choosing this Christmas-themed-tune-based-on-a-terrace-chant as the one that summed up El Tel best: "Terry loves the tinsel, And the lights and balls, But he struggles with the fairy, Because he isn't that tall." Tel laughed, a little bit, as he did when Yvette told the watching public that her husband had comically skinny legs, but our hearts wilted at the sight of a once great football supremo being reduced to this. Instead, if fate had been kinder, he could have been off scouting at St Andrew's where Ireland, with a little bit of help from Reading, beat Birmingham 3-1 on Saturday.

How would Yvette cheer him up if he was down? She said she'd warm his dressing gown; he said she'd let him play with a karaoke machine, so that was it, they were out, beaten on penalties, if you like, by two Eastendersactors and Ronan Keating and his wife.

Not for the first time in his career El Tel had come close to the big prize, before being scuttled at the final hurdle.

As a champion in his time of the Christmas tree formation it was, though, apt El Tel made a festive telly appearance, but Martin O'Neill wondered on Saturday if he'd broken into the cooking sherry prematurely. "Terry Venables, in his newspaper column, thinks you're not ambitious enough, that you should be targeting the title," said the Setanta man. "I have great respect for Terry, but I think he might have been celebrating Christmas a little early," said O'Neill.

Plenty to celebrate, though, for Manchester United in Yokohama yesterday where they were crowned champions of the whole wide world in a tournament more prestigious than the Champions League (according to this Christmas cracker rib-tickler).

But a trophy's a trophy, as Rio Ferdinand explained afterwards. "Were you impressed by your opponents, Liga de Quito?" he was asked. "Eh, yeah - the little front man, the number 23, a fantastic footballer. Left-footed," he said, before enthusiastically heading for the airport.

Also battling for a world title this weather are the darts chuckers in Alexandra Palace. "Birth, school, darts, death," read one banner we spotted in the crowd. "The great life cycle summarised in one Ally Pally placard," said the commentator, which made us look at the sport in a whole new light. Was it Bobby "Dazzler" George who once said, "Some people believe darts is a matter of life and death - by 'eck, it's much more important than that"? Or are we confusing our codes? Football, need it be said, matters the most.

"Is it a must-win game?" the Sky man asked Arsene Wenger before yesterday's meeting with Liverpool. "It's a want-to-win game," he replied. "So, not a must-win game?" "A want-to-win game," he repeated. He had to settle for a draw, but there's something about Wenger, you'd warm his dressing gown any time.