All in the Game: World Cup disastro for football-crazy Italy

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"We're not going to play for a draw in Ghana – we'll beat the shit out of them."
– Nigeria's sports minister Sunday Dare ahead of the first leg of the World Cup qualifying play-off between the nations. They, eh, drew.

Number: 32

That’s how many shots on goal Italy had last week in their World Cup play-off against North Macedonia, who had four. Result: 0-1. Disastro!

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Passions, as we might have anticipated, were running rather high in the Italian media after that calamitous defeat by North Macedonia last week. How restrained were the front pages? Well, Corriere dello Sport: “In to hell”; Il messaggero: “This is an epoch-making disaster!” Not very.

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On the whole, though, manager Roberto Mancini was spared too much abuse, the bulk of it reserved for the likes of Ciro Immobile and Jorginho, Tuttosport describing the poor Chelsea man as “a snail” and the worst player on the pitch.

Mancini did have one critic, though, who was at a loss to understand why, when Italy were already struggling for goals, he hadn’t called up one particular in-form striker. “I would have called up [Mario] Balotelli . . . in front of goal, nobody can stop him.”

That critic? Well, let’s just say Roberto might have decided not to send her any flowers for Mother’s Day. Yes, his ma, Marianna Puolo.

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Word of mouth

"You can't expect a manager with 25 titles to respond to someone who won Serie B twice."
– Jose Mourinho on being asked about criticism of him from former Roma manager Zdenek Zeman. Get that man a saucer.

"The Bale parasite came from cold and rainy Britannia . . . his nature led him to suck blood without giving anything in return he . . . sucked, and sucks, the club's euros . . . he makes fun of his host, showing a jocular contempt for the one from whom he lives."
Apart from that, Spanish journalist Manuel Julia Dorado is a big fan of Gareth Bale.

"It's 10 years too late."
– Neil Warnock's warm tribute to referee Mike Dean after rumours did the rounds about him retiring at the end of the season.

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More word of mouth

"After seeing what happened to Italy I wonder whether last year's runner-up spot is still deemed a success for England. Golden opportunity missed but still OBEs given out like smarties."
– Didi Hamann being quite rude, on reflection, about England's Euro 2021 exploits.

"Football can sometimes be a merciless metaphor for life. Last summer we were on the top of Europe . . . we went from total joy to frustrating disappointment."
– Roberto Mancini on Italy's rollercoaster eight months.

"I hope he continues. He has a commitment to a project and I hope he can quickly dispose of the waste."
– Italian football federation boss Gabriele Gravina giving a vote of confidence to Mancini, if not his entire squad.

"I don't want to point my finger at him because he certainly didn't do it on purpose . . . but his mistakes cost us. If you miss three penalties."
– Marianna Puolo, Mancini's mother, very firmly pointing her finger in Jorginho's direction after those missed penalties in the group stage.

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Falling neatly in to the “what bloody next?” category comes a story from the Sun about Manchester United and their endlessly troubled season. This time it’s off-the-field woes that have struck them in the form of their efforts to install more floodlights at their training ground.

What could go wrong? A communication from the council informing them that “at least six species of bat forage and commute around/over the area”, so because the creatures are protected United have to install “bat-sensitive lighting”.

The floodlights, then, have to be fitted with hoods “to prevent upwards and backwards light spillage” and must be “of a warm white spectrum”. Insert your own gag here about the bats’ lives also being put at risk during shooting practice.