Ronnie in royal form

Planet Football: We know Ronnie Whelan does a lot of punditry work these days but we were still a bit surprised to read that he would be appearing last week on an ITV programme about Prince William's girlfriend Kate Middleton, talking about the topic of media intrusion into lives of the British royal family and their acquaintances.

Why would Ronnie be more qualified than, say, John Aldridge or Packie Bonner to talk about the issue?

The mystery wasn't solved until Ronnie Whelan appeared on screen. Or as George Hamilton so famously put it, when Whelan shinned that wonder volley home against the USSR in Euro 88, "ooooh, Ronnieeeeeee Wheeeeeeeelan!!!!!!" Ronnie, frankly, was unrecognisable, which was in no small part due to the fact this Ronnie Whelan is the name of the woman who is editor of Hellomagazine. And with that knowledge we rested easy.

Quotes of the Week

"There was always a possibility, but it was never going to happen."

- Sam Allardyce on his unachievably achievable attempts to sign Nigel Reo-Coker.

"He is a good looking guy, and he will look good on television. I tell you what, Ronaldinho would scare the children of this country."

- American broadcaster Steven Cohen on why David Beckham was a better option for Major League Soccer than the Brazilian lad.

"I am not sure what his point was. Maybe he was trying to make himself look great again - 'I am the great Arsène Wenger'. But when you look at the stats, his comments are a load of nonsense and I find it a bit petty that he came out with them."

- Alex Ferguson on the observation of his best pal that United start to fade after 70 minutes.

"If they had lost the game 1-0, as they should have done, what could Arsène have said then?"

- Ferguson again, on Wenger again. To which, you'd have assumed, Wenger should reply: "but, um, we didn't lose the game 1-0".

"Coming back to Arsenal would be great. They are a great club who are solid and serious. Arsène Wenger is one of the best coaches in the world, and I can't hide that the club marked my life forever. I have spent some great moments there."

- Nicolas Anelka, still nicely settled at Bolton.

Proving far from 'Useless'

Ulises de la Cruz, you might remember, hadn't the happiest of times of it when he was at Aston Villa, to the point where they took to calling him "Useless" de la Cruz. Things have, though, picked up considerably since he joined Reading, but judging by a feature on him on the BBC website he was anything but useless to the Afro-Ecuadorian people of his home village of Piquiucho even when he was struggling at Villa.

Handing over at least 10 per cent of his salary to help improve conditions in his village, which has been utterly neglected by Ecuador's government, de la Cruz has already financed a fresh water supply, built a medical centre and provided funds for a doctor, dentist and nurse at the clinic, provided hundreds of books and a new roof and a playground at the local primary school where the children receive breakfast and lunch, courtesy of the Ulises De la Cruz Foundation.

Work has already started on a new sports and community centre, and De la Cruz also plans on building 40 new homes in the village.

Meanwhile, in other news, Wigan's "One Size" Fitz Hall has, according to the Sunday People, "just splashed out on a customised, gunmetal-grey '08 Escalade, which he has had shipped over from the United States. His new motor has the front of a Rolls-Royce Phantom and comes complete with TVs, DVDs, satellite television and a PlayStation, and there's also a pilot seat for the man in charge. What's more, all that sits pretty on 24-inch Gianelli spinner alloy wheels".

Ulises v Fitz? It's a toughie.

More Quotes of the Week

"It definitely wasn't us, we don't want to scare ourselves."

- Harry Redknapp confirming that Portsmouth weren't behind that "spy" plane that flew over Manchester United's training ground last week.

"If he fails he says he will go on holiday with a one-way ticket, no return. I'm not quite sure what that means."

- Aldo Platini, father of Michel, concerned about the consequences if his son failed to be voted president of Uefa last Friday.

"He was a devil, and Madrid was hell."

- Ronaldo, soon to be an AC Milan man, pining for Fabio Capello and his old club.

"I have been told by people I respect, and who know what they are talking about, that he is no better than the defenders we already have at St James' Park."

- Newcastle manager Glenn Roeder casts one hell of a slur on Goran Gavrancic.

"We've got a young squad and I want to add some experience. And that's why I've signed a 20- and a 21-year-old. I clearly don't know what I'm talking about, do I?"

- Martin O'Neill starts to doubt himself.

Young guns stir trouble

Things turned ugly last week during the penalty shoot-out that was required to decide the County Cup final between Moston Brook of the Reddish and District League and Knuzden of the Blackburn and Darwen District Junior League. The trouble began when Moston goalkeeper Alex Blood was sent off during the shoot-out for allegedly directing very, very rude comments at the referee, his dismissal prompting his coach and assistant to run onto the pitch to confront the official.

Uproar.

The main source of the strife, though, was the behaviour of up to 100 Moston supporters, who gathered behind the goal, cheering every Knuzden miss and using their mobile phones to put off Knuzden's penalty takers. Moston, need it be said, won the shoot-out.

PS: We should add that this was an under-13 cup final and the goalie who was sent off is 12.

Mistaken identity

"Some guy in Nike Town asked me for my autograph recently. He thought I was that WWE wrestler Stone Cold Steve Austin," said Reading goalkeeper Marcus Hahnemann last week. Well, having studied the photos, you have to say: easy-enough mistake to make.