Political football - it's a game of two halves

As George W Bush put it so aptly recently, "if we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure" adding, "it isn't pollution that's harming the environment - it's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it", before concluding that "for NASA, space is still a high priority". What's this got to do with anything? Not much, to be honest, except the kind person who emailed me a list of George Dubya's magnificent quotes from the US presidential campaign pointed out that there is an uncanny similarity between the man who may soon be leader of the free world, once Florida learns how to count, and Kev "the tide is very much in our court now" Keegan.

Mmm, they certainly seem to have similar thought processes. George Dubya? "One word sums up probably the responsibility of any governor, and that one word is `to be prepared'." Kev? "Chile have three options - they could win or they could lose." See? Or how about GW's "a low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls". Kev? "The substitute is about to come on - he's a player who was left out of the starting line-up today." GW? "We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur." Kev? "I know what is around the corner - I just don't know where the corner is." There's more. GW? "I believe we are on an irreversible trend towards more freedom and democracy - but that could change." Kev? "They compare Steve McManaman to Steve Heighway and he's nothing like him, but I can see why - it's because he's a bit different." Crikey, is this eerie or this is spooky - or is it both? Were these men separated at birth?

It was during the BBC's coverage of the election the other night that it struck me that it is now virtually impossible to distinguish between political-speak and football-speak. For example, David Dimbleby asked a Democrat "what now for Bill Clinton?" and he replied "well, he has his future in front of him". The next night on ITV Barry Venison said something very nearly identical about Manchester United's Wes Brown. Supernatural.

And it is now virtually impossible to distinguish between the average characteristics of your average politician and the average characteristics of your average football personality (those who claim this is an oxymoron should hang their heads in shame).

If you close your eyes, ignore the accents and just listen, you'll discover that Al Gore is David O'Leary, although it has to be said if Al was as poxed with luck as Davo was midweek he wouldn't now be scouring the state of Florida looking for lost ballot boxes, and George Dubya would be as unemployed as his long lost brother Kev. (But in no sense at all are we bitter about Leeds'. . . choke. . . fabulous European success).

To be honest the Al/Davo comparison isn't quite as water-tight as the GW/Kev connection, although both have similarly uncomfortable relationships with their former bosses, Messrs Clinton and Graham, and are only now emerging from the shadows of those gargantuan figures - both of whom were, of course, tainted by shameful scandal in their respective careers. Bill's involvement with Monica, George's involvement with Arsenal, say no more. There's probably a hint of Ivan Yates in Davo too, with a touch of Nora Owen thrown in, while Al could do with a sprinkling of Gordon Strachan to overcome his Dick Advocaat tendencies.

Bill Clinton? That's more difficult because, of course, Bill has multiple personalities. There are times he's a ringer for Arsene Wenger - smooth, sophisticated, articulate - but on a bad day he is Big Ron Atkinson and when he gets angry you could be looking at Roddy Collins. Generally, though, he is Craig Brown - touchy, feely and cuddly. . . but with a hint of a dark side. I've always reckoned there's a bit of the Willie O'Deas about Martin O'Neill and when Mick McCarthy's in a mood we're talking Brian Cowen. John Bruton and Bobby Robson must, surely, share a similar bloodline, while the resemblance between Pat Rabbitte and Harry Redknapp is, at times, ghostly. Mary O'Rourke and Pat Dolan are, more often than not, two peas in a pod, while Ruairi Quinn and John Gregory are, frankly, indistinguishable.

See? There's much more to this than you thought. Only last week I watched under-pressure Bryan Robson being interviewed and I thought "Mary Harney" - and if you can spot the difference between Dessie O'Malley and Gerard Houllier you're a better tulip than I. And, if you can, you're probably smart enough to know what George Dubya was on about when he said: "Welcome to Mrs Bush, and my fellow astronauts."

So, to conclude our thesis, let's just say politics is a game of two halves (three, if you include the Florida recount) and a week is a long time in football. And to all those political and football people out there - remember, in the words of GW, "verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things" and "it's time for the human race to enter the solar system". And, above all, "people that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history". Oh God yes. Who are ya tellin'?