Planet football

Irish get some send-offAway from home a sending-off, quite honestly, was just about the last thing he needed on Saturday. Now his club will have to make do without him for three games, just when they needed his presence most. The red mist descended, though, and the ref had no option but to dismiss him for "violent conduct".

His manager, well, attempted to hide his disappointment by suggesting that the other fella was no angel either, and should have been put off too.

... No, no, not him, we're talking about Graham Barrett, whose debut for Brighton, after joining them on a two-month loan from Arsenal last week, ended prematurely when he was red-carded after a scuffle with Portsmouth full-back Matthew Taylor. Just to complete the day, Brighton, already struggling in the first division, lost the game 4-2.

Another Irish forward who had a weekend to forget was Dominic Foley, back in the Watford starting line-up after scoring twice for the reserves last week. Watford lost 4-0 to Norwich, had two men sent off, one of them Foley, for two bookable offences.

There was a third Irish sending-off at the weekend but, for the life of us, we just can't remember the name.

Better news for Mr Versatile, Gary Doherty, who appeared in Spurs' starting line-up for the first time in nearly a year when he played up front in the midweek win over Charlton. He then played at the back in Saturday's win over Southampton, the one that lifted them to the top of the table. Spurs top of the table? Yes, yes, we know: surreal.

PS. Think you're still young? Think again. Did you see who made his Irish under-18 debut in the Czech Republic last week (only a few months after Paul McGrath's young fella Chris did the same)? Andrew Bonner, of Scottish club Queens Park. And his da is yep, Packie.

Asprilla off, Conlon stays

He's only 23 but this Irishman has already had "spells", as they say in the trade, at QPR, Manchester City, Plymouth, Southend, York, Colchester and his current club Darlington - and you thought Robbie Keane had itchy feet? Barry Conlon's the name. Our thoughts were with Barry last week when Darlington were attempting to sign auld elastic legs himself, Faustino Asprilla, because if they'd succeeded he'd either have had to partner him up front, in which case he wouldn't have received a pass all season, or he'd have lost his place to him.

As you know by now Asprilla did a runner when he was on the verge of signing on the dotted line, catching a flight to the Middle East the morning before he was due to make his Darlo debut away to Kidderminster.

"I feel as if I could put blankets over my head and have a good cry - he's not even said goodbye," wept Darlington chairman George Reynolds when he heard of Tino's escape. Tino's excuse? "What Darlington offered me was very good, but it wasn't enough to live on here."

And what did they offer him? £17,000-a-week, 20 per cent of the gate at Christmas and a rent-free bungalow. Cripes, how could you live on £17,000-a-week in Darlington, the Cannes of north-east England?

Duff the urban culchie

"I don't mean to be condescending," said Rodney Marsh, ominously, on Sky Sports on Saturday afternoon, "but Damien Duff seems to be quite a simple lad." "Aye," agreed Frank McLintock, "he's like a country boy". To which the viewer responded: "it's a long time since we've seen a herd of cattle in Ballyboden, sunshine. Next: Robbie Keane. "A big thing about Robbie Keane," said Rodney, "will be can he settle in London? A lot of players have come down from up north and, you know, London the nightlife ". To which presenter Jeff Stelling replied: "Leeds is not a backwater Rodney - they have hot and cold running water there now." To which the viewers replied: "there's only one Jeff Stelling, one Jeff Steeeeeee-lling "

Lazio fans take it badly

Good to see Lazio fans responding calmly to news of the sale of their captain Alessandro Nesta (to AC Milan) and Argentinian forward Hernan Crespo (to Inter Milan) at the weekend. Apart from, that is, the 300 who attended the weekend's friendly with Juventus, broke in to club offices, where they smashed computers, photocopiers and desks and set fire to papers, and then burnt out five cars, three kiosks and knifed two Juventus supporters in the buttocks. Makes Leeds fans ARF (After Rio Ferdinand) seem, well, almost chilled.

Website of the week Hospital Pass

www.hospitalpass.net Such are the economics of running websites these days most of our favourite cyberspace football ports of call, many of them Irish, have died a death and disappeared. It was with considerable joy, then, that we welcomed the birth of Hospital Pass, a new weekly magazine devoted to the eircom League. "We've got a wide range of opinions on the site from pretty much all the clubs in the League, with a mixture of analysis, opinion and humour," promised co-editor Daniel McDonnell, and he was as good as his word. Smart, passionate, refreshingly witty and opinionated the site is more than worth a weekly visit, not least because it has a section devoted to slagging the bejaysus out of those lowlifes in the press, i.e. the likes of ourselves. No bad thing either. Keep it going, men.

Quotes of the week

"Remember I said West Brom were like a pig with lipstick? Well, forget the lipstick." - Sky Sports' Rodney Marsh, even less impressed with West Brom than he was at the start of the season.

"We haven't got his type of player at the club - he can pass and score goals." (See above) West Brom manager Gary Megson after signing Tranmere's Jason Koumas.

"Tugay is writhing around all over the place, as if he were dead." - BBC Radio Five's Alan Green on the Blackburn midfielder's ability to mimic the, em, movements of a dead man.

"He was fannying. It was a PR stunt - again." Eamon Dunphy's take on Niall Quinn's "handshake" with Roy Keane after he was sent off against Sunderland.

"We told them (Eidur) Gudjohnsen was not for sale and that we had turned down a £13 million bid -- so they offered us £8 million." - Chelsea chairman Ken Bates on Spurs' difficulty with transfer-market arithmetic.

"Every player who signs for us is a risk because when they come to our club it is because something has happened to them - they have either fallen out with their coach, been injured or been out for some reason." - Sam Allardyce attempts to answer the unanswerable question: why do players sign for Bolton Wanderers?

"I really hope the song can help cure a child." - Diego Maradona, after presenting his new album to an Argentinian children's hospital. We've heard a bit of it - and take it from us, the only thing it'll cure is the will to live.

Isles be seeing you

"Which is the smallest football league in the world, how many teams does it have, and how many times do they meet each season,"asked a Guardian reader last week. Charlie Connelly came up with the answer: "The smallest league in the world is on the Isles of Scilly. It has two clubs, Woolpack Wanderers and Garrison Gunners, who play each other about 20 times a season. They compete for two cups too." Our favourite bit? The chant oft heard at the games: "Can we play you every week?"

For letter or worse

From the same section of the Guardian came this query from Phillip Preston: "What is the smallest number of letters in the combined surnames of the players on the substitutes bench at a professional game? I have a candidate from Nottingham Forest's recent game at Walsall: Roche, Jess, Reid, Doig, Bopp - that's 21 letters." Our response? Five words: Need, to, get, out, more.