Night of doomy gloom as midfield statues are unmoved

TV VIEW:Cripes, sometimes 90 minutes can feel interminable

THE PANEL summered well, by the looks of them, but it was time for Bill O’Herlihy and his men to pack away the buckets and spades and factor 50 and get down to footballing business.

There is, after all, a trip to Poland/Ukraine up for grabs. For Ireland that is, not necessarily for the panel, considering the times that are in it.

But had the Ireland squad summered well, that was the question.

The panel was hopeful-ish, not overly fearful of Slovakia, but when Eamon Dunphy declared it to be “the biggest game since Paris” and that “Trapattoni and his future are on the line” you had a queasy feeling that such a build-up would ensure it’d be a long night.

It was too. Cripes, sometimes 90 minutes can feel awful interminable.

Still, our pre-match spirits had been lifted by clips of Slovakia being beaten by Paraguay and drawing with New Zealand at the 2010 World Cup (true, they beat reigning champions Italy and only lost 2-1 to finalists the Netherlands in the second round while we back home were watching on telly).

“I’m not hear to bury Trapattoni, I’m hear to sing his praises, but,” said Bill, the “but” a big and ominous one.

The mood was mixed, then, a win the panel’s forecast, but only with their fingers crossed behind their collective backs.

The anthems. The Garda Band must have been double-booked, the St Patrick’s Pipe Band from Co Clare on duty. Martin Skrtel looks a fearsome kind of a fella, but even he looked frightened when those bagpipes let rip. His team-mates giggled, a bit nervously, but they patriotically tried to sing along. As did Robbie Keane, the combination of his singing voice and those pipes the first serious test the Aviva roof has received since construction was completed.

Just time for a quick statement from Robbie and Marek Hamsik. Fair play.

After that. Well, Ireland’s display was a bit on the tuneless side too, to be honest. There were times you wondered if Glenn Whelan and Keith Andrews had been inadvertently locked in the dressing room, but at one point the camera picked them out just to confirm they were, indeed, actually on the pitch.

“We have two statues in midfield, Bill,” said Eamon, insinuating there was a lack of movement from Whelan and Andrews in that first half.

John Giles nodded, but wore the expression of a man who’d have preferred to have been listening to bagpipes for the previous 45 minutes.

“You were exasperated John,” said Bill.

“I was, it was awful. And we’re the home team, Bill!”

Liam Brady wasn’t any chippier, so to speak, noting a “lack of conviction” in the team.

Bill then threw a stat at him that, he felt, summed up the woefulness of it all.

“Slovakia have had 57 per cent of the possession! That’s astounding, isn’t it?”

“No,” said Liam.

In fact, having pointed out that the visitors were a touch superior on the ball, Liam seemed half surprised the home boys had got a touch at all.

Doomy gloom, then. But Bill knew what was needed in the second half.

“The statues will have to move,” he said, and the panel didn’t disagree.

The second half, then. Any better? Hmm . . .

True, there was the Robbie sitter. And Richard Dunne’s chance in injury time. As Ronnie Whelan put it, “OH MY GOD!”

“A hugely disappointing night,” said Bill, but Eamon completely disagreed. “A shocking night for Irish football,” he insisted.

“This side is built to be negative, it’s not capable of creating chances,” he said. “There’s an element of bankruptcy in this system.”

“Well, I wouldn’t use the word bankruptcy,” said Liam, although he did seem to feel the side would be going in to receivership fairly soon if they didn’t get their act together.

Gilesie, at least, looked for the positive. “The team, the way it’s set up, is much better away from home,” he said, not ruling out a half decent result in Moscow on Tuesday.

Eamon didn’t rule it out either, having watched Russia hobble their way to a 1-0 win over Macedonia earlier in the day. “They have 11 Arshavins, and football people will know what that means,” he said.

In fairness, you’d imagine even Andrei’s Ma would acknowledge that her boy might be mercurial, but he’s one lazy fecker.

Granted, if he’s up against two statues in the Irish midfield, even he’ll look like a Duracell bunny.