McDowell ignores buzz of vuvuzelas as Ossie gets stuck in

ON THE COUCH:We felt a bit for Gregory Havret, as a victory for him would surely have put a bit of a sporting smile on the face of France

IT WAS, we thought, exceptionally nice of that American television man at the US Open to say a hearty hello to any Irish people still tuned in at 3.30 in the morning, some of whom had to be back on their couches for Portugal v North Korea a mere nine hours later. Graeme McDowell, though, made the sleep deprivation worth it, although it’ll be a while before we recover from the worry that a vuvuzela would sound as he stepped up to take his winning putt.

Ernie Els had, after all, waxed lyrical about his home country’s favourite “instrument” last week, declaring “it would be cool” if they echoed around the Pebble Beach course. Mercifully they didn’t, although what we wouldn’t give for a blast of one next time Colin Montgomerie’s about to tap in a tiddler.

While pleased for McDowell, we felt a bit for Gregory Havret, as a victory for him would surely have put a bit of a sporting smile on the face of France. Although, as was pointed out to us during the final round, “someone should tell Havret even if he shoots 59 he won’t make the front page of L’Equipe”.

This, of course, was true, they’ve other things on their minds, so, at best, he’d have made the Sport in Briefs on page 22.

Come yesterday evening, before the Spain v Honduras game, Adrian Chiles was trying to comfort Marcel Desailly who, he said, had watched in dismay as the French camp imploded, by telling him that “I’m afraid tonight there’s every sign our lot might follow suit”. Marcel sat up straight in his chair, while Gareth Southgate and Kevin Keegan slumped in theirs. “Fabio Capello has spoken to us and you’ll be pretty stunned by what he’s had to say,” they were warned.

“I am sending everyone home except Emile Heskey and Stephen Warnock, so we will play a 1-0-1 formation against Slovenia,” he didn’t say, just that John Terry had made “a very big mistake” by publicly airing his views on where it had all gone horribly wrong.

Marcel slumped back in his chair, in a “You’re being funny, non? Is that all?” kind of way, while Gareth and Kevin discussed the gravity of the situation, leaving Marcel to conclude that the French and English define tumult in seriously different ways.

Is this in your inbox yet? “World Cup fixtures: On Monday Argentina meet Brazil in Cape Town; on Tuesday Spain meet Holland in Johannesburg and on Wednesday England meet France at the airport.” Ah, stop now.

Ad break. Would you look who it is: Nicolas Anelka and Peter Crouch kicking Pringles tubes around their living room. Bless.

Crouch, incidentally, was the subject of a question put to Arsene “it’s the way he tells ’em” Wenger, now on a World Cup tour of South Africa. What would be the best way for England to use him? “I don’t know,” he said, “perhaps we should ask Air Traffic Control.”

Anyway, the day started with Simon Brotherton telling us the North Korean goalkeeper had said during the qualifiers that he saw his job as “defending the gateway to my motherland”. “That’s nice,” said Mick McCarthy, but by the time they were done Simon ruefully noted that the gateway had been opened – seven times – and was left blowing in the wind.

Still, Mick was in fine form, well and truly getting in to the World Cup swing of things. “Good chance there for Jong Tae-Se,” he said, so effortlessly you’d swear Barnsley was a suburb of Pyongyang.

He’d no sympathy, either for Ronaldo when Simon spotted blood on Twinkle Toes’ sock. “He does get whacked occasionally, but I tell you what: he asks for it when he starts dancing over the ball at 4-0 up.” He does too.

Switzerland v Chile v in Nelson Mandela Bay Stadium; Switzerland v Colombia on Centre Court. Chile a man up, the Swiss struggling. Colombia two sets up, Roger Federer winning, pretty much confirming he’s not of this sporting earth.

“Ah, 0-0, that’s okay, we have the last 20 minutes left, this is when we score,” he said on leaving the court, making us wonder if that’s where his mind had been during the first two sets.

Well, they didn’t score, Chile won, the second half a lively old ding-dong after a sleep-inducing first half. Lee Dixon certainly seemed to have nodded off on the BBC. “It’d be nice to see (Alexander) Frei,” he said, previewing the second half, “I don’t think I’ve heard him mentioned in commentary”.

Roy Hodgson kindly reminded Lee that the Swiss lad had been taken off.

Chile prevailed, then, and Ossie Ardiles, for one, wasn’t in mourning.

“Switzerland are anti-football, absolutely, that’s it, enough said, we have enough of them to be perfectly honest,” he told Darragh Moloney, “I would prefer to talk about Chile.”

So Darragh asked him about Chile. And you thought Graeme Souness was RTÉ’s tough-tackling, ankle-snapping, no-nonsense midfield panelist?