Martin O’Neill picks up our glass half full and throws it in our faces

The moment Fernando Hierro plucked us from a bowl to pair us with Denmark (and not Italy) appeared to prompt half the nation to start googling camp sites in Russia.The last time the Danes were this underestimated, they went on to win the European Championships.

This level of confidence is, of course, a worry, and often leads to a bad end, so Martin O’Neill did his level best to return us to earth when he chatted with Fifa TV after the draw.

There we were thinking playing the second leg at home was a humongous advantage, but he pointed out that it actually just gives Denmark another 30 minutes to score an away goal should the tie need extra time. That’s looking at a full-to-the-brim bottle and declaring it entirely empty.

Sweden’s Janne Andersson, meanwhile, had the look of a man in need of a bottle full-to-the-brim with brandy after he’d been given the Italian job, no amount of telling the fella that Italy aren’t the Italy they once were consoling him because Italy are, after all, still Italy.

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Our host, Vanessa Huppenkothen, had spent most of the draw telling Fernando to “Close your eyes!” and “Don’t look!” when he fiddled about in the bowls, even though the balls were identical. But this being a Fifa-run operation, she probably felt the need to reassure us that everything was above board. Fernando averted his eyes, then, and did so fine a job you’d be tempted to offer him a spot in your tent should he be stuck for somewhere to stay in Russia next summer.

And if you tuned in to Sunday’s East Anglian derby, you’d have been focusing your campsite search on Moscow and St Petersburg, the host cities for the semi-finals, Wes Hoolahan producing enough silk for Norwich to have you declaring ‘Bring on the world!’ Mind you, if you flicked over to another of your Sky Sports at the same time, you’d have found Jamie Redknapp chatting with Denmark’s Wes Hoolahan, Christian Eriksen – a bit of a silkworm himself. And after replaying some of his finer moments for Spurs this season, among them an abundance of passes that should be illegal, you feared losing your deposit on those campsites.

“It’s a tough draw, but whoever we got would have been tough. We’ll just do our best and hopefully that will be enough. Really looking forward to it,” said every manager interviewed by Fifa TV, which, funnily enough, is what every player interviewed in RTÉ’s green room said about Thursday’s Championship football draw.

To hell or to the Bronx

Newcomers to the sport might have chuckled at the Connacht draw sending Leitrim to the Bronx to play New York and Sligo to Ruislip to play London, but if Australia can compete in the Eurovision Song Contest and have their PGA Championship included in golf’s European Tour, then they need to hold their whisht.

Roscommon await the winners of the Leitrim v New York game, which Ciaran Whelan reckoned would have the Rossies dancing in the streets of Boyle. “No disrespect to Leitrim,” he said, while taking the levels of disrespect shown to New York to a whole new height. “They could be a banana skin, you know,” said Pat Spillane, reckoning a neutral venue should be chosen should New York go through to play Roscommon. “Iceland,” he suggested.

Marty Morrissey, standing at his super-slick giant touchscreen, then explained to us how the Leinster draw would work.

“Bowl 1 consists of Carlow, Laois, Longford, Louth, Offaly, Wexford and Wicklow. Bowl 2 consists of Dublin, Meath, Kildare and Westmeath. The first team drawn from Bowl 1 will play the second team drawn from Bowl 1 in the first round, with the winners playing the first team drawn from Bowl 2 in the quarter-finals and so on, the last team in Bowl 1 will play the final team in Bowl 2 in the quarter finals ... Right, give it a good old spin there, Mick.”

Fernando Hierro’s head would have exploded.

Marty promised, though, that it would all become clear. And then we ended up with semi-finals between Laois or Wexford or Westmeath v Louth or Carlow or Kildare and Offaly or Wicklow or Dublin v Longford or Meath.

He lied. A bit like ourselves, Mick is still spinning.