Let's hope we don't go down a snake in Twickers

IF YOU ASK ME: Yes England have good reason to be pleased with themselves after Paris, but why don't Les Bleus ever play like that against Ireland, asks RISTEARD COOPER

SCOTLAND COACH Andy Robinson conceded “we weren’t at our best” last Saturday, which is a bit like saying Seán Gallagher appears a tad miffed with RTÉ at the moment. All the old fellas in the station’s vast “Grey” department who’ve doggedly resisted symbols of change like amelus, texts and that Twitter “fetology” will feel vindicated. “I knew that technology “fetology” would be the end of us,” they’ll cry.

Our State broadcaster has now been forced into conducting an internal investigation into all their live-audience (an overstatement, surely) programmes, which – while I wouldn’t put my house on it – might well include probing questions such as “How did this ever end up on the telly?”

Indeed it may be asking too much, but I’m hopeful anyone with the slightest involvement in making Derek Mooney’s Who Knows Ireland Best? will be incarcerated and tortured by being forced to watch repeat showings of The Saturday Night Show.

Anyway, we have to be happy we’ve ended up with a poetic hobbit for a president rather than a fella who’d remind you of a roll-on deodorant.

It’s all about snakes and ladders, according to the Scottish Rugby Union’s chief executive Mark Dodson, who after the match asserted his side were “definitely on the right track”.

They simply “went down a snake” last week, but will “go up some ladders”. And he’s not the one that got the blow on the head.

It was definitely Lee Jones who got that ferocious belt in the noggin from Andrew “Horse Head” Trimble and whether he was interested in finding out or not, the young Scot now knows what it must be like to be tackled by Charger.

Stephen Ferris, Rob Kearney and Jonny Sexton had to be Ireland’s best players and while allegiance to one’s province is a grand thing it wasn’t exactly surprising to hear Donnacha Ryan was given Man-of-the-Match in Donal Lenihan’s “impartial” judgment.

The former Munster legend comes from that era when shorts were worn so far up the hoop, the waistband ended up under the arm pits, proving he’s willing to do anything for the cause.

While England have reason to be pleased with themselves, they beat a French team that played like they were doing an impression of Scotland the previous day. Why don’t Les Bleus ever play like that against Ireland?

Now as traditional a part of the Six Nations as asking “How long will the England coach last”, Alain Rolland again incurred the wrath of the BBC’s Brian Moore, who admittedly has had a complex life, but that’s no reason to comment like a deranged headmaster snapping at a bunch of idle pupils.

“I, for one, do not concur with those who think that because he has a French parent he should not be eligible to referee this particular fixture,” he said.

Stall the ball there, I wasn’t aware it was even an issue. Of course that was said before he issued Charlie Sharples with a yellow card for a deliberate knock-on. “How can you give a yellow card for that and nothing when the French did it five minutes ago?”

Rolland had warned Robshaw the next England player to infringe would be binned.

Moore, though, clearly needed further clarification so perhaps he should ask his fellow countryman Dave Pearson. Now that would be worth listening to.

Predictions for the grand finale (I’ve been right at least once) France to turn up in Cardiff and prevent Wales from doing the Grand Slam. Ireland to squeeze home in a titanic struggle in Twickenham. Italy v Scotland? Probably Scotland, but as I’m not a pundit, who cares?

Finally, congratulations to Rory Best on breaking Keith Wood’s caps record, even if he does look like a late-night kebab shop owner.

Happy St Michael’s Day this St Patrick’s Day!

Pundit watch: how they rated

THIS CHAMPIONSHIP's TV coverage pitted some fresh new pundits in with some old stalwarts. As the closing weekend beckons, this is a hand-picked selection of the "experts" who made their mark for better or for worse.

BBC

Jonathan Davies

Quick, elusive, good with the ball in hand, even if he holds on to it for too long. A tad defensive which is ironic seeing as he never liked defending. 5/10.

Jeremy Guscott

When he speaks, you can feel the entire TV audience scratching its head. Constantly leaves one baffled as to how such a great player could be such a windbag. 1/10 (the 1 is for his nice scarves)

Shane Williams

Ditto (bar the scarves) 1/10.

Martyn Willams

Ditto 1/10

RTÉ

Conor O'Shea

As he was as a player, a safe pair of hands, even if he occasionally runs into trouble. A past master at kicking to touch. 7/10

Frankie Sheahan

The new kid on the block has a bit of work to do to get a regular spot on the A team. Contributes well and takes his opportunities by the scruff of the neck. Seems to occasionally get on the wrong side of "Sitting Bull" Hook, which is not a pretty sight. 7/10

Gerry Thornley

Don't be fooled by the scruffy exterior, a razor-sharp mind with a clear and precise vision, ideally suited to the vagaries of the oval ball. His appearance – that of the lead singer in a south Dublin version of the Fury Brothers – is offset by his remarkable ability to cram, on average 6,000 words into a 90-second sentence, without taking a breath. The "Whirlwind" of  punditry. 9/10

George Hook

As he might say himself, Hook is to rugby coverage what garish curtains are to windows. You might think you dont like them, but youd miss them if they werent there. Goes from 0/10 to 10/10 in the blink of a tie.