Lads go laa laa live on TV

Football matches abandoned due to floodlight failure, boxing matches halted due to outbreaks of cannibalism, Ryder Cups in Sunny Spain almost washed out by rain and the first cricket Test in history abandoned because of a dodgy wicket. Rupert Murdoch might have been made a Knight Commander of Saint Gregory recently but, it seems, Sky Sports haven't got God on their side.

Fifty-five minutes in to the first Test match between the West Indies and England in Jamaica, for which Sky had set aside endless hours of air time, it was all over. England bowled out twice before midday? Well, no, but they might have been if the umpires had allowed bowlers Curtly Ambrose and Courtney Walsh to get on with their job. Instead, they deemed the pitch unfit for play.

The decision probably came as a huge relief to the group of England supporters sitting in the stand at Sabina Park. After not very long at all, their team had slumped to nine for three, which did not bode well for their prospects in the series, but then the umpires and match referee intervened and put them out of their misery.

Now, granted, England weren't exactly batting on an even playing field, but for the average veteran viewer of England-West Indies clashes, the opening 55 minutes of the Test seemed perfectly normal. Atherton out for one, Butcher gone for a duck and Hussein dismissed having amassed one run.

So what was so unusual about that? In fact, Hussein's third wicket stand of one, with Alec Stewart, must have been close to an England record in the Caribbean - surely they should they have carried on. Not according to Sky commentator Mark Nicholas. "Oh my Looooord . . . I'm sorry, but this is a complete joke," he gasped when an Ambrose delivery sailed over the heads of Stewart and the wicket-keeper. When the next delivery bounced about ankle high we had to, grudgingly, concede there was a problem with the pitch.

"A lot of people will be reading their newspapers tomorrow and will look at these low scores from batsmen and think `oh, England have collapsed again', but I'm not sure how you can play on this sort of pitch," said Bob Willis.

"Well it's a good thing a lot of people will be seeing it live on Sky, they can draw their own conclusions," replied Michael Holding, with just the kind of comment Sky like to hear their commentators make.

Nicholas, though, was worried about how the, "um", locals would react to the match being called off. "The problem the umpires have is that there would be a riot here if the Test was abandoned," he fretted. Well, the Test was abandoned and there was no riot, which was an education in itself for Mr Nicholas.

Shortly after Atherton and Stewart appeared live on Sky News, to give their views on the day's proceedings. "If it had carried on, I would have looked like a lady that's just appeared in a French court," said Stewart, to the sound of chuckles and guffaws from the travelling press pack.

Speaking of Neanderthal man, three of them appeared on Under the Moon on Wednesday night. Presenter Danny Kelly told Ken Doherty, David Vine (the BBC sports' presenter) and Mick Quinn (ex-footballer, now a racehorse trainer) they looked and sounded like the Tellytubbys, a comment which could lead to Laa Laa and Tinky Winky looking for substantial damages in the High Court.

"Hello, can I talk to Ken Dockerty please," asked Kevin from Hull on the phone. "You can, but only if you pronounce my name right," said Ken. Kevin simply wanted to enquire about the state of women's snooker, but was greeted by a serious outbreak of laddishness on the couch, led from the front by David Vine.

"The women should not play the men 'cos they're not as good, they never will be - women's snooker on its own is lovely, but don't take them men on, you're wasting your time," he said, a tad aggressively. "But how can they can improve if they're not allowed play against people who are better than them," asked Danny. "Well they can keep trying, but there really isn't any point," said Vine, waving his hand dismissively in the air.

"But it's not a strength game," Danny persisted. "No, not at all, it's strength of the mind more than anything else," answered Ken. "What are you suggesting?" "They can't concentrate, ha, ha," sniggered Vine.

"It would be very interesting to see a few ladies' . . . grips . . . around the cue," giggled Quinn. "Huh, huh, ha, ha, tee, hee," replied Vine and Doherty.

Vine was into his stride now. "There was a very interesting lady who played in the UK Championship who just wore a waistcoat and nothing underneath - the shots were fantastic". "Huh, huh, ha, ha, tee, hee," replied the lads.

"I'd like to see mixed doubles on the telly," said Kevin, who was still on the phone. "You just want to see the girls wearing mini-skirts bending over the table," chuckled Ken. "Huh, huh, ha, ha, tee, hee," replied the lads. Backslapping all round.

A few minutes later, a woman rang in to say the show was demeaning towards women. "Huh, huh, ha, ha, tee, hee," replied the lads. Danny quickly cut off the spoilsport. The Tellytubbys shouldn't settle for less than a few million.