MARY HANNIGANoffers the English FA an outside-the-penalty-box list of, ahem, candidates for the vacant post

WHAT IF ’Arry Redknapp turns down the England job in the end, deciding he’s had his fill of traumatic trials? What if Jose Mourinho says “no thanks” once he hears he won’t be allowed spend €550 million in the transfer market – on Lionel Messi and a reserve left-back – to strengthen the squad? What if Martin O’Neill continues to resist calls for him to bid adieu to Sunderland a wet week after he said “how’s about ye?” It might then be time for the English FA to think outside the penalty box, so to speak. Here are a few possibilities . . .

Wang Yujuan

The Chinese woman who gave birth to a 15½lb son last weekend. “I feel very happy,” said her husband, “she’s given birth to such a big fat son.” If Wang can get through an ordeal like that, surely any other challenge would be a doddle – even the England job. The players might say “show us yer medals,” but she can say: “Show me yer childbirth scars.” That’d quieten them.

Peter Casey

The now legendary horse trainer got the best out of Flemenstar at Leopardstown, so maybe he could help the underachieving team realise its potential? His opening address? “Leave the nocturnal activities to me lads, ye focus on football.”

Lucas Papademos

There’s unlikely to be a better qualified candidate, one who has recent experience of stepping in to a crisis following the resignation of his predecessor. The Greek prime minister took over the job in November when George Papandreou walked away, and, so, is not unfamiliar with emergency situations and public disgruntlement. He might welcome a change of crisis too.

Mario Rosenstock

There’s probably no perfect candidate for the job so it’d be ideal if you could take the best bits of, say, Redknapp, Arsene Wenger, Mourinho, Alex Ferguson, Rafa Benitez and build a perfect composite. That’s what Rosenstock could bring, a bit of everything. Plus a dollop of Vincent Browne, Joan Burton, Ming Flanagan and Willie O’Dea. What you wouldn’t pay to see Joan confront John Terry.

Sarah Palin

She can probably see Poland and Ukraine from her Alaskan back door, so she has a headstart on most of her rivals, even if she’ll assume both are located in southern Africa. She shoots moose, so the squad wouldn’t mess with her. And when they ask “Sarah, d’you fink we can win Euro 2012”, she’ll wink and reply “you betcha”. And this squad needs self-belief.

Michael O’Leary

He might charge the players for using the Wembley toilets, and he might accuse them of Aer Lingus-ish performances, but maybe that’s what this group of pampered, overpaid, players need: a clip ’round the ear. The flights to Polkraine won’t be cheap, though, they may even need to take a detour through Knock Ireland West, and get a bus from there. But they’d have a flavour of how real folk live.

Max Clifford

The PR guru has probably represented a fair chunk of the squad already, helping them relate their side of kiss-’n-tell stories. Even if, say, Ashley Cole scores an own goal, or England lose 7-3 to Brunei Darussalam in a friendly, Max can ensure a positive spin appears in the press (“England Attack On Fire – Smash 3 Past BD!’). Trust won’t be an issue and trust is everything between English internationals and their gaffers.

Giovanni Trapattoni

This appointment would be a painful one for us but if the Queen was big enough to visit this pesky former colony last year, then we should be big enough to give them Trap in their hour of need. Legend has it when they bought Luther Blissett in the last century, AC Milan thought they were getting his Watford team-mate John Barnes. It could be England made the same mistake in 2008, signing up the wrong Italian. They have the chance to correct that.

Michelle Obama

If she can get Jay Leno to eat an apple, she can perform miracles – she might even be able to remind Andy Carroll where the goal is, and get John Terry and Rio Ferdinand to “friend” each other on Facebook.

Pat Spillane

“If ye don’t win lads, I’ll make you sit through my eight-hour symposium on puke football and Donegal’s Taliban defence.” With that England will triumph at Euro 2012. Without conceding a goal.