Desailly and ze case of ze ball hitting ze hand

Mary Hannigan World Cup TV viewIt was only Day Five but already it's taking its toll. "Well, obviously, we take each cup as it comes, and even then it's obviously a cup of two halves, so, early doors, we'll be cautious but while we'll obviously respect the cup we certainly won't fear it, although, at the end of the day, we'll obviously give the cup 110 per cent."

And all we'd been asked was "milk or sugar?". But football-speak, inevitably, kicks in when it's the only speak you're listening too. Although, ever so occasionally, football-speak is highly inappropriate speak. We have Craig Forrest in mind here, the former Ipswich goalkeeper who was in our Fantasy Football team a decade and a bit ago when he conceded nine goals to Manchester United. Bitter wasn't the word.

According to Football 365 Forrest is working as a World Cup pundit for Canadian television and was on duty for the Mexico v Iran game on Sunday. Presenter: "Craig, how will the Mexican goalkeeper approach this game, given what's happened to him this week?" Forrest: "Well, his father passed away on Thursday - he'll be disappointed with that."

South Korea v Togo. Togo, of course, were the World Cup's laughing stock before the game when a monster row resulted in a key figure departing the camp mere days before their first game. Africans, eh? You can say all sorts about the Irish but we'd never allow our World Cup preparations be wrecked like tha. . . oh. Indeed.

According to Ger Canning's ears the South Korean anthem was so good they appeared to play it twice. We're tone deaf so couldn't tell, but the look on the faces of the Togo players seemed to confirm Ger's fears.

There are seven Kims and five Lees in the Korean squad, but Ger remained unruffled. After all, the 1980 Castlegar team that won the All-Ireland club hurling final featured seven Connollys, so Ger's seen it all before.

After going a goal down the Koreans went 2-1 up, but had a little spell when they seemed intent on helping Togo grab a point. Sloppy passing and the like. "Almost hair-tearing time for Dick Advocaat," said Ger. Funny Ger should have said this, in the course of his managerial career Advocaat has netted himself two major advertising deals, one for deodorant, the other for hair transplants. The poor lad must surely have body image issues. Any way, South Korea held on, as did Dick's hair.

France v Switzerland. This lot looked familiar, have we met them before? Gary Lineker was in full ooh la la mode: "The French were magnifique in 1998, pathetique in 2002, antique in 2006?" By full-time Mick McCarthy was maintaining the all-rhyming theme, suggesting the French press might opt for headlines that would echo the one that appeared in L'Equipe after his first game for Lyon: "Debut catastrophique".

If McCarthy was disappointed in France it was nothing to how he felt about the ref, "Mr Precious in his red shirt", as he called him. "D'you know what he does for a living," Guy Mowbray asked him. "Traffic warden," guessed Mick. "No, he's a schoolmaster." "Well, he's a wally in his part-time job," said Mick. Back on RTÉ Liam Brady paid tribute to Switzerland by declaring they were the closest he'd ever seen to "Jack Charlton's Ireland". Maybe "tribute" isn't the right word. Effective, but not entirely pretty, then.

Meanwhile, our newly-installed favourite World Cup pundit Marcel Desailly was discussing the first half's big moment, when France very possibly should have had a penalty. Except Marcel discusses these things like no other. "It depend of the referee, iz it ze ball who is coming to ze hand or iz it ze hand who is coming to ze ball, diz iz ze thing," he said. Martin O'Neill, sitting beside Marcel, said he "heard that phrase so many times before".

Brazil v Croatia. As a friend of this couch oft says, "now we're whistling". The Beeb opened its coverage with snippets of Brazil's finest hours, and lordy there were many. A near tearful Leonardo (our newly-installed joint favourite World Cup pundit) was asked by Lineker how he felt watching those splendid images. "Big proud," he said.

"When Brazil take the stage, the show begins," said Brady. Samba time, glorious football, happy days, bring it on John "Motty" Motson: "The historic significance in this rebuilt arena lies in the fact that 70 years ago Adolf Hitler stood on the podium here and opened the 1936 Olympic Games. It's been well documented how Jessie Owens then won four gold medals to smash to pieces Hitler's theory of the superiority of the Aryan Race." Motty? Na, never mind. Need it be said: back to RTÉ.