Cross-channel accord takes pounding

World Cup TV View: As this World Cup wears on it's a toss-up as to which is proving to be the more entertaining sight: Argentina playing football or the expression on the face of Graeme Souness when his fellow panellists are on the loose. Yesterday's look, after the analysis of Garth Crooks's post-match interview with Sven, was akin to a Maxi Rodriguez volley from 25 yards: beyond compare.

"It's the first time I've seen sex between two men on the BBC," Dunphy giggled hysterically after watching Garth grill Sven.

And you know those Garth grillings: "Sven, would you agree that you are a tactical genius?" "Vell, yes."

Unwisely Bill asked Eamon to "explain".

"Well . . ," started Eamo, before a hand, possibly belonging to Brady, appeared from his right and slapped him on the wrist.

"This is a family show," said Bill, hastily withdrawing his request for enlightenment, all the time Souness's shoulders vibrating with mirth.

So, it was another one of those days. England played, England won, but that's pretty much all the RTÉ and BBC panels could agree on. The differences are far too many to mention, but we particularly enjoyed the verdicts on Michael Carrick.

"You wouldn't say the choice of Carrick worked," said Brady; "I don't think he did enough to stay in the side," said Souness.

Right, deep breath. Alan Hansen: "Man of the match . . . a classic display of the holding role, brilliant on the ball . . . magnificent in the hole . . . a masterclass in playing it in to feet, fantastic." Gary Lineker: "His passing was exemplary." Alan Shearer: "He was brilliant, absolutely magnificent." Entire BBC panel: "You couldn't leave him out."

Brady and Souness will, though, be reassured to hear they had support from UKTV G2 expert pundit, the rapper MC Harvey from So Solid Crew. I know, I know.

"Carrick did not touch the ball! He did not TOUCH the ball! Aaaah, man! He done NUFFINK!"

Anyway, pre-match Bill asked Gilesie to take us through England's strengths. He did just that, and some four seconds later Bill asked the panel for their forecasts. Souness tipped England, Giles opted for Ecuador-ish, on the basis it was all "a wing and a prayer with Eriksson". Dunphy and Brady went for Ecuador, the latter predicting "one of the biggest shocks in World Cup history".

Over on the BBC Ray Stubbs was asking Alan Ball what he'd say to the England players if he was in the dressing-room.

"I would try to tell them about my experience in Mexico, Ray, getting beaten after being 2-0 up so late in the competition, the most devastating feeling I've ever had in my life, I promise you now, and I wouldn't want that to happen anyone again."

An uplifting, rousing speech it would have been, then, for Becks and the lads.

Match time. "David Beckham hasn't scored in his last 12 internationals, maybe he's due a goal today," said Motty Motson. But by half-time even the Beeb boys had given up on the captain. "He's not givin' us nuffin'," said Ian Wright. Hansen nodded: "And his free-kicks have been . . . nothing."

Back on RTÉ Brady was so bored he wanted to switch over to the Munster hurling final, while Gilesie complained it was all "a wing and a prayer with Eriksson".

Second half. Beckham gave England more than nuffin', he gave 'em a goal. But then he brought a whole new meaning to Pat Spillane's "puke football". Incidentally, at full-time Lineker said they couldn't show Beckham vomiting because it was too gruesome, but later in the evening ITV showed us the heave in slow-motion. Many would say that sums up the difference between the two channels.

Full-time. "England may have been patchy against Paraguay, tentative against Trinidad, subdued in the end by Sweden but they were energetic and effective today against Ecuador - although they could be hammered by Holland or pulverised by Portugal," said Motty. Okay, we made the Holland and Portugal bits up.

Gilesie, meanwhile, was overwhelmed by England's performance. "One of the worst we've seen in this competition, Bill," he said, before telling us it's all "a wing and a prayer with Eriksson".

Generally, then, the RTÉ lads put England's win down to the fact Ecuador were rubbish. The BBC lads, and you might not believe this, had a different view.

"Holland or Portugal? That's got to be a winnable game," said Lineker, fortunately out of earshot of Montrose.

"It's laughable, Bill, this is why everybody in the world wanted to get rid of them - on the other hand we should keep the show on the road, baby, imagine if they win it," Hansen is unlikely ever to say, but Eamo did. His pleasure has been postponed once more, but he remains hopeful that it'll be party time next Saturday.

It's unlikely, you'd have to assume, that Garth and Sven will turn up at the do.