Cole reviews a laugh a minute

Mary Hannigan's Planet Football: Yesterday's Sunday Times alerted us to the colourful reviews of Ashley Cole's book being provided by subscribers to the Amazon website. It would be accurate to say that the book hasn't received a warm welcome from Arsenal fans, one of whom wrote, "The first disappointment I found with this literary masterpiece was that it didn't come complete with crayons, an oversight which will no doubt be rectified by the publisher."

Some more: "A laugh-a-minute piece, breathtaking in its egocentrism"; "As an expose of all that is wrong with the modern-day footballer this takes some beating"; "First of all - some advice. Please don't waste your time and money on this overpriced doorstop".

The highlight, perhaps, was this verdict on the man they call Cashley Cole: "If brains were made of cotton wool he wouldn't have enough to make a tampon for a canary".

At which point Amazon politely ask, "Was this review helpful to you?" Yes, indeed it was, thanks.

Song of the week

"Chim chiminey, chim chiminey, chim chim cheroo, who needs Wayne Rooney when we've got Kanu?" Portsmouth fans have been singing this all season, opposing supporters often reply, "I'd rather have a speedboat than a Kanu."

Quotes of the week

"Obviously, I am denying all allegations that have been alleged against me."

- Sam Allardyce, allegedly.

"They should renew his deal right away. And then loan him out to the local rugby team - they could do with a kicker."

- Spanish football writer Roberto Palomar reckons David Beckham is the Johnny Wilkinson of Real Madrid.

"I don't think you can get by without being good at your job and I think I'm incredibly good at my job."

- Sheffield United's Special One, Neil Warnock.

"Zamora is a Spanish name, but I don't speak a word. I wish I did. Maybe it would guarantee me a place."

- West Ham's Bobby Zamora a touch put out by the arrival of Carlos Tevez and Javier Mascherano at the club.

"I'm on the transfer list and I'm going to stay on there as long as I'm on it."

- No flies on Burnley's Gifton Noel-Williams.

Holloway bulletins flying

Injury updates from managers are rarely exciting, but then not very many managers are Ian Holloway. Since taking over at Plymouth earlier this year Holloway, a regular contributor to our Quotes of the Week section, has been keeping the local press amused, and occasionally puzzled, by his reports on the club's walking wounded.

Hasney Aljofree (concussion): "Hasney didn't train yesterday but he's absolutely fine. He got a smack on the bugle. There was a lot of claret coming down his throat and coming out of his mouth. That's the London version of it all."

Paul Connolly (toe injury): "I am not happy at all. It's basically self-inflicted. What a complete chicken nugget with barbecue sauce he is."

More quotes of the week

"Our trainer must accept my small technical interferences. I'm an expert in the market and football. I have played also in Serie D."

- Palermo president Maurizio Zamparini explains why he's qualified to tell coach Francesco Guidolin how to do his job. Serie D, eh?

"She is the real manager of family life. You are the star outside; here you are not a star."

- Jose Mourinho revealing that at home he's the Ordinary One.

"At Sochaux we were the victims of PSG's place in French football. PSG are what Claudia Schiffer is to l'Oreal."

- Paris Saint Germain coach Guy Lacombe. And that's really all we can tell you.

"It's up to me to take advantage of it . . . and to give the manager a decision to make in six weeks' time. I have to hit the ground running."

- Newcastle goalkeeper Steve Harper on the opportunity presented by Shay Given's injury. And, indeed, he hit the ground running when Xabi Alonso shot from his own half at Anfield last week.

"I've been confronted by streakers before, but never a rabbit. I just saw a hole emerge in the six-yard box and there it was, peeping at me."

- Witton Albion goalkeeper Jon Worsnop after a rabbit took its place in his team's defence.

Rotherham fan fans the flames

It's customary for clubs to welcome visiting fans in match programmes so when Rotherham United hosted Doncaster Rovers recently they left it to supporter Timothy Green to pen the greeting. Ready? "If you don't mind I won't talk about today's visitors as I find an unnecessary number of their fans to be unpleasant, violent half-wits."

Cue a grovelling apology from Rotherham, who described Timothy's comments as "uncalled for" and said that if they'd had more time they would have been edited out. And what of Timothy's future as a writer for the club programme? "He has been told his contributions are no longer welcome," said the club.

Romanov revolution hots up

Our old favourite Vladimir Romanov has been at it again, the Hearts owner letting rip at Scottish football writers who, he reckons, are out to destroy the club. Ready? "You remind me of those Bolsheviks in Soviet times who wanted to shoot a peasant only because he planted the seeds following his own way, and not their instructions," he said.

"Once they were ready to shoot a peasant but a clever one stopped them and said, 'Let's shoot him in the autumn after he has gathered his harvest.' I guess that if you could, I would have already been shot by now, but whilst you can't, full of hate and anger, you are spreading manure on my crops."