All in the game

Compiled by MARY HANNIGAN

From hero to zero: Dinamo coach pays the full price for his side's startling collapse

"AT half-time I saw Zagreb were ahead 1-0, then in the dressing room after the match I heard it was 7-1. This is what you imagine in your worst dreams," said Ajax coach Frank de Boer after Olympique Lyon's rather startling victory over Dinamo Zagreb, combined with Ajax's 3-0 defeat by Real Madrid, put the French club through to the last 16 of the Champions League – and knocked Ajax out.

An eyebrow or three was raised in response to the margin of Lyon’s triumph, but, on they march, and Ajax must settle for the Europa League.

They weren’t the only casualty of Zagreb’s mauling.

A few days before the Lyon game, Zagreb director Zdravko Mamic had a little pop at his players, as reported by yesterday’s Observer, while giving his backing to coach Kruno Jurcic: “For years, like a jerk, I defended our players, but they don’t care for Dinamo. No fire, no passion. I remember once when I was at school doing the long jump, a pretty girl walked by, so I jumped two feet longer to make her notice. These players wouldn’t bother. You ask why I go into the locker room – it’s to save the club.

“Next time I go in I’ll lift one of them up by the throat while the others watch. I’ve done it before. There’s only one other man here who lives for Dinamo 24 hours a day – our coach Kruno Jurcic. I’ve seen it in his eyes. He is my ally, and we stand together.”

After the Lyon mishap? Well, Mamic sacked Jurcic.

On mature reflection: Cisse tempers his criticism of fans

LIVERPOOL and Sunderland old boy Djibril Cisse is earning his keep at Lazio this weather, but while the team is doing rather well, nicely placed to challenge for the title, he's managed just one goal in 14 Serie A appearances – and that came in the opening match of the season. He drew a blank again in the recent Europa League draw with Romania's FC Vaslui, which, alas, earned him a critical tweet or two.

So, Cisse felt compelled to defend himself by tweeting back: "All of you f*****g like to talk. You will regret your words soon. Bye, you bunch of idiots."

When he woke up next morning he most probably hoped his tweetin' was a bad dream. But it wasn't. So: "Hello to everyone!" (Note chirpy exclamation mark). "I want to clarify the situation. The tweet I wrote after the game was for all those who insulted me. I never insulted the Lazio fans and I never will. I respect you and will fight for you to the end. Forza Lazio always!!!"

A risky business, this tweetin'.

Channel hopping: Hi Five

MANCHESTER United fans have been heard to sing "Thursday night, on Channel 5" in the direction of their Liverpool pals, a highly insensitive reference to their involvement in the Europa League, rather than the somewhat more illustrious Champions League.

Well, Channel 5 has first pick of Europa League games in Britain, so they issued United a warm welcome to the competition on Twitter on Wednesday night. Cue much hilarity. Not least from a chap called Keggers04.

TWO weeks ago...

Flashback

"Yes, we can get a Barcelona or a Real Madrid, but I'm sure they don't want to play us in the last 16 either. At the end of the day, you never know what the draw is going to be."

– Manchester United chief executive David Gill chirpily looking forward to finding out who the club would get in the knock-out stage of the Champions League. Well, at least Barcelona and Real Madrid don't have to fret about drawing United any more.

Tattoo of the week

THAT’D be the one on Kirk Bradley’s right arm. He first had it done in 2009 and it read ‘Manchester City 2011 Champions League Winners’. That was a little previous, so he had it changed to ‘2012’. After last week? “It’s going to happen one day,” he insisted, through sizzling cheeks. Until then, he should avoid wearing sleeveless tops.

Ireland's 1.5%: So you're saying there's a chance...

BAD news: the Castrol EDGE Calculator has forecast that Ireland will finish bottom of their group at Euro 2012 and have a mere 1.5 per cent chance of winning the tournament, with only Greece rated as even more unlikely winners.

The calculator, Castrol tell us, is "a highly-accurate prediction tool" that was first used for the 2010 World Cup when it got nearly 70 per cent of its predictions spot on.

They have, apparently, "applied the same expertise they apply to the development of their strongest-ever oil" to create the gadget, although the connection between oil and football is not entirely obvious, it has to be said.

So, who does the calculator say will reach the final of Euro 2012? Spain and the Netherlands . . . ranked at one and two in the Fifa world rankings. And it reckons Spain will win the tournament. That'd be the reigning world and European champions. Who are we to doubt the calculator, but cripes, it's hardly a risk-taker.

Ballon that refuses to burst: Ibrahimovic doesn't need to be told he's the best

"We have to reduce our expectations of England and we have the players to do it."

– Steve McClaren, as quite magnificently quoted by the Daily Mirror.

"In my head I am the strongest of all. I certainly don't need the Ballon d'Or to prove that I am number one."

– Truly, Zlatan Ibrahimovic's head is a thing of wonder.

"It was a win of human values, team spirit, solidarity, responsibility, strength of character, resilience."

– Andre Villas-Boas on the allies prevailing in the second World War? Nah, on Chelsea's win over Valencia.

"The only other bloke who played like that was Paul McGrath . . . I really think he'll be one of the best players in Europe for a long time because he's fantastic."

– Mick McCarthy attempts to dampen the hype surrounding young Phil Jones.

"I have great respect for coach (Luis) Enrique, in fact he is better than I expected. The only thing that isn't working right now is that we keep losing."

– Roma general manager Franco Baldini identifying the sole thing preventing the club from having a perfect season.

"Man City play very, very boring football. They just make their opponents fall asleep with lots of possession. The way they play is the way any amateur team plays, only not on such good grass."

– Jens Lehmann, almost nodding off watching City in the Champions League.

"It's embarrassing to be in the Europa League . . . I feel I'll wake up and we will have qualified. But it's not a dream, it's the reality and we should have woken up earlier."

– Patrice Evra, positively tingling at the prospect of playing in the Europa League.

"I don't know why you bring up a TV critic. Roy had an opportunity to prove himself as a manager too. It's not an easy job."
– Alex Ferguson, miaowing back at Keane's criticism of the Manchester United after the hiccup in Basel.

I only have eyes for you: Ruiz is completely Ful' of it

Bryan Ruiz (the Costa Rican international who joined Fulham for €12.5 million during the summer)

"I didn't want to go to Fulham at all. I was happy with Tottenham's previous interest in me. They are a dream club, and one you join without hesitation . . . Fulham came along on August 30th . . . I had my doubts again but attractive financial terms, and a talk with Martin Jol, dragged me over the line."

The next day: "I wish to make it known to the club's supporters that as soon as Fulham's interest was apparent to me in the summer, and despite very public interest from other clubs, I was only ever intent on joining FFC."

Fulham supporters: "Yeah, riiiiight."