Unionist 'let's be friends' pokes falling a bit flat

NEWTON'S OPTIC: THE IRISH Timeshas obtained the following top-secret Facebook conversation on unionist unity, after Orange Order Grand Wizard Robert Saulters forgot to update his privacy settings.

Robert Saulters created the group Let’s Have A Single Unionist Party.

Robert Saulters invited Peter Robinson, Reg Empey, Dawn Purvis and Jim Allister to join the group Let’s Have A Single Unionist Party.

Peter Robinson likes this.

Peter Robinson and Robert Saulters are now friends.

Reg Empey is attending House of Lords Introductory Course.

Basil McCrea, Tom Elliott, Danny Kennedy and 85 others joined the group Possible New Leaders of the UUP.

Dawn Purvis reckons having to start every sentence in the third person makes us all sound a bit like Johnny Adair.

Jim Allister thinks that is one of the many bizarre rules which make this website deeply unnatural and doomed to fail.

Robert Saulters says we will continue to dilute the union if we fight and bicker among ourselves.

Basil McCrea joined the group Quosh Was My Favourite Diluting Orange.

Robert Saulters says I believe there should be one big unionist party which represents all the views that I hear.

Dawn Purvis wonders how many views you hear while drinking Quosh in a Nissen hut with geriatric Presbyterians.

Ian Paisley joined the group What’s Wrong With Geriatric Presbyterians?

Robert Saulters says the one phrase which seems to really upset our enemies is unionist unity. They are unable to cope with the prospect, and we should take note of that.

Basil McCrea, Tom Elliott and many others are upset by the phrase “enemies”. Robert Saulters wishes to stress that he is not anti-peace process.

Robert Saulters is now friends with Mary McAleese and two other Catholics.

Tom Elliott says Robert Saulters would not be seen as a neutral broker in all this because he is seen as very close to the DUP. He consistently signs both Dr Paisley’s – and now his son’s – nomination papers, and always takes the DUP side on things.

Ian Paisley jnr asks was that my nomination paper? I thought it was the lease on an advice centre.

Robert Saulters says the Orange Order has warned our unionist leaders that the time is right for intelligent and radical thinking about the way forward.

David Trimble banged his head against his wall.

Danny Kennedy invited David McNarry to join the group UUP Assembly Members for Unionist Unity. Danny Kennedy and David McNarry were tagged in the album UUP Splitters.

Peter Robinson and Jeffrey Donaldson like this photo.

Robert Saulters wants a party that is big enough and modern enough to allow people with conflicting opinions to work together.

Robert Saulters was tagged in the album Drumcree 97.

Basil McCrea says the rationale for this proposal seems to be to smash Sinn Féin, but it is likely to have the opposite effect. Talk of unionist unity unites nationalism.

Gerry Adams created the group Let’s Have a Single Nationalist Party.

Peter Robinson wants to know why Adams is on our friends list.

Robert Saulters thought this group was only open to friends of friends. Is Adams a friend of one of our friends?

Peter Robinson changed his relationship status to It’s Complicated.

Robert Saulters has deleted the group Let’s Have a Single Unionist Party.