Today's burning question: is it all a waste of hot air?

Newton's Optic: Newton Emerson has obtained a Green Party letter on the hot issue of waste incineration.

Newton's Optic: Newton Emersonhas obtained a Green Party letter on the hot issue of waste incineration.

Dear Green Party member,

Thanks to our participation in Government, official policy now supports both opening and closing the Poolbeg incinerator. To ensure that both these policies are enacted promptly and in the appropriate order, I am asking you to take extra care to minimise your household waste. If Ireland's residual household waste output falls below 600,000 tonnes a year the incinerator will become uneconomic and close down, representing a clear victory for the environment. This victory would not have been anything like as clear if the incinerator had not been opened in the first place.

As a member of the Green Party you almost certainly sort and recycle your waste already. So what can you do to go that extra kilometre?

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Residual household waste comprises items which you would not normally think of reusing.

If you have failed to tackle overpopulation by having children, your bin might contain old nappies and dried sick.

This can be shredded and baled into a wonderful insulation material for your attic.

If you own a vacuum cleaner your bin might contain a quantity of household dust. This mostly comprises dead human skin which can be cooked with soy and lentils to make a delicious dystopian snack.

If you have a wood, peat or coal-burning stove (and of course you do - you're in the Green Party!) then you probably produce quite a lot of ash. As ash is also the only byproduct of a modern incineration plant you might as well cut out the middleman and bury it in the garden. But be careful if you decide to cut out the middleman altogether.

One ordinary garden bonfire can release as much dioxin as the entire Poolbeg plant will release in a year.

So if you're going to burn the rest of your residual waste make sure it doesn't contain any packaging from McDonald's or Coca-Cola. Green Party bonfires emit only ethical dioxins.

It goes without saying that you should encourage all your friends and neighbours to do likewise, although I must warn those of you who begin every sentence with "of course, in Scandinavia . . ." (and I guess that's everyone!) that unfortunately, in Scandinavia, they incinerate everything.

Perhaps it's their Viking blood.

I am quite certain that by reducing our residual waste we can shut down the Poolbeg incinerator, just as I was quite certain that I could stop the Poolbeg incinerator from opening. The beauty of the Coalition's present position is that it allows everyone to be correct, albeit not quite at the same time.

I am also certain that should residual waste levels fall below 600,000 tonnes a year the Government will not allow Dublin City Council to import the difference. It is inconceivable that Fianna Fáil ministers would let Fianna Fáil councillors embarrass a Coalition colleague by making money and saving jobs.

In the extremely unlikely event that such a thing should be suggested, we can always take the non-sectarian and cross-Border path by pointing out that most of the imported waste would come from Britain. We've taken quite enough of their crap already.

Yours sincerely,

Seán Gormless, the Green Party.