The happy return of earwigging and eavesdropping

With all the cacophony about Covid-19 restrictions being lifted, some people may have missed the gradual return of one very important pursuit. Yes, eavesdropping is back and it’s back in a big way. We have a lot of ground to make up, after all.

Some groups in society were very vocal about the impact of Covid restrictions, but eavesdroppers were completely overlooked. It’s not in our nature to draw attention to ourselves, you see.

We prefer to sit unnoticed in cafes, waiting rooms and airports as we listen to snatched conversations around us. We take away little nuggets of knowledge about squabbling siblings, affairs of the heart and medical procedures and mull over them for hours on end. Who started the legal proceedings? Why had they not spoken in three months? And, most importantly, who let the dogs out?

If you are a bit sniffy about eavesdropping and believe there is something inherently wrong with people who practice it, remember that it has its uses. Think of all the books that would never have been written if their authors had not eavesdropped on conversations. The Maeve Binchy canon would be reduced to a few very slim volumes if she hadn’t overheard so many juicy stories.

Unionist voters more interested in punishing DUP than beating Sinn Féin

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We must stop a slow-motion privatisation of public land

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Kathy Sheridan: The coarsening of political, public and private discourse has gone too far

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The Irish Times view on Northern Ireland politics: poll trends raise the temperature

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Of course, enthusiastic eavesdroppers can only hone their skills when in close proximity to other people, so it was a devastating blow when Covid-19 shut everything down last year. We didn’t even have advance notice so we could squeeze in a few extra sessions of earwigging to sustain us over the lean months.

The two-metre social distance rule was frankly unworkable for those of us with average hearing, and we couldn’t even read lips because of the face masks. The brief respite from lockdown last summer was almost worse as it reminded us of what we were missing.

I passed a woman leaving a shop and overheard her saying, “and so he’s going to meet his dad for the first time in 22 years” and I could barely stop myself from following her through the shopping centre to hear the rest of the story. Where was his father? Why had he never met him? And could I have her number to check on the outcome of the meeting?

Quick fix When I needed a quick fix of eavesdropping at the height of lockdown, I tried eavesdropping on the rest of the family, but it just wasn’t the same. There are only so many one-sided phone conversations you can listen to about plastic injection moulding. And teenagers don’t talk. They just smile at their phones and then refuse to tell you what they are smiling about.

But then, out of the blue, a wonderful thing happened. I had just settled down on the beach in Donabate during the recent hot spell – that’s not the wonderful thing, although it was quite wonderful to lie on a beach in Ireland and not worry about frostbite.

The wonderful thing happened when a voice wafted over to me. “They would have been left for dead,” she said. I immediately propped myself on to my elbows and surveyed the scene. There was my prey, three picnic blankets over. A bit far away, yes, but happily for me, her voice carried beautifully.

I lay back down, closed my eyes and listened as she talked about a car crash at 3am on a snowy night, out of which everyone miraculously emerged without a scratch.

And just like that, I was back in the eavesdropping game. There was no question I would leave that towel while she was still talking – not even for a 99. It was one of the highlights of the summer.

Another group of sunbathers arrived shortly after, so when the woman grew quiet, I homed in on their conversation. A man was extolling the virtues of the wines in a German discount store in what appeared to be a very informed way. I was only sorry I didn’t have a pen and paper to jot down a few notes. I left the beach that day feeling totally fulfilled.

Juicy morsel We have been advised to ease back into activities as restrictions are lifted but I feel it’s safe for accomplished eavesdroppers to plunge straight back in. Just like a footballer cannot help themselves from reaching for a ball when someone kicks it in their direction, an eavesdropper cannot walk away when they hear the magic words “you won’t believe what just happened”.

Oh, I would well believe it. I just need to know why, where, when and how it happened. And please don’t leave my hearing range until you have divulged every juicy morsel of your story.