I SEE where Garda management is considering a more sophisticated aptitude test for applicants to Templemore.
The current test assesses literacy and numeracy but apparently gives few clues to the personality: "It wouldn't tell if you had any cop on," one garda was quoted as saying.
I have been allowed a quick look at some of the sample papers for these new cop on assessment tests, and here are a few of the questions.
1. You enter a licensed premises in rural Carlow at 2.20 a.m. The 29 people on the premises, all of whom have fresh glasses of Coca Cola in front of them, claim to be members of an ornithological club at their monthly meeting. What do you do?
a. Question them individually on the mating habits of the roseate tern, and arrest those whose replies are unsatisfactory.
b. Tell them you expect all of them to register at the Garda station next morning just before they rise to hear the dawn chorus.
c. Get them to order them a litre bottle of CocaCola each, and see that they drink it.
2. You are invited to join a breakaway Garda organisation. Do you:
a. Decline on the grounds that you are a member of nine such organisations already.
b. Explain that you are in the process of setting up your very own exclusive Garda organisation.
c. Ask if the call is being made from the Minister's office.
3. You are assigned to a remote Connemara outpost where you find, at three o'clock one morning, a bunch of locals distilling moon shine in the mountains. They say they are making a film about times gone by and produce a video camera as evidence. Do you:
a. Politely request star billing, two tickets for the premiere and two litres of the product.
b. Sample the liquor and suggest that production costs could be reduced without sacrificing credibility by substituting water. Then demand role as executive producer.
c. Check the camera for film.
4. A member of the public asks how you feel about "zero tolerance". How do you respond?
a. You say you admire Jean Claude Damme in the main role, but overall you prefer Reservoir Dogs.
You assure your questioner that in general, the Garda tolerates the public pretty well, thought there might be some room for improvement.
c. You arrest your questioner on the grounds of zero tolerance for people making public nuisances of themselves and wasting police time.
5. You are off duty, in your local, having a pint in plain clothes (i.e. your regulation issue trousers and a T shirt), when you overhear a business conversation between the Tosser, the Yardman, the Lieutenant Governor, the Archduke, the Boss, the First Secretary, the Attorney General and the Bagman. What do you do?
a. Check the exits.
b. Buy them a round.
c. Discreetly look up the Sunday World Guide to Criminal Underworld Nicknames.
d. Introduce yourself as The Edge and see what happens.
e. Find a new local.
6. Once again you arrive in a licensed premises way past closing time, where you find a Garda superintendent, a member of the judiciary and a senior politician calmly disposing of a bottle of Paddy. You are asked by the politician if you would like "a drink or a transfer". What do you do?
a. Tell them you always thought the politician who said this was a decent man, but you are disappointed at their lack of originality.
b. Arrest all three, contact the media, arrange a picture spread, agree interview fees and refer all inquiries to your agent.
c. Accept a large Paddy as well as a transfer - to the station of your choice, along with a modest promotion. {CORRECTION} 97051400042