Public sector action is nothing to get hung up about

NEWTON'S OPTIC:HERE IN the UK, the spectre of union militancy was banished forever by Margaret Thatcher's victory in the miners' strike, an event now celebrated every year with an August bank holiday.

There is thus something old- fashioned to British eyes about public sector union militancy in the Republic. Indeed, a joke doing the rounds asks: “What’s the difference between Ireland and south Yorkshire? Twenty-six years and seven letters.”

Few people realise how close the UK came to a communist coup. Thatcher, or Baroness Thatcher to use her proper title (which I must insist that you do), only defeated the miners because she had the foresight to stockpile coal.

If the Irish Government wishes to preserve democracy it should learn from her experience and stockpile something against a public sector strike. But what might that something be?

Stockpiling for a public sector strike is notoriously difficult because public sector workers produce nothing useful. Fortunately, holding a public sector strike is equally difficult for precisely the same reason. It is noticeable that most of the threats issued by the public sector unions amount to little more than not answering the phone. Even the threatened “escalation” by the Garda Representative Association merely involves refusing to answer their own mobile phones.

So it seems clear that the Government can see off a public sector strike by stockpiling telephone answering machines. Furthermore, only three pre-recorded messages should be required: “This office is closed for lunch between 10am and 4pm”; “The person you are calling is on stress-related sick leave”; and “Please hold while I transfer you to the first number that pops into my head”.

Unfortunately, acquiring a stockpile of suitable machines is not an entirely straightforward matter. Since the introduction of digital technology, it is difficult to find the cassette-based devices which are most easily plugged in to replace any public sector employee.

Baroness Thatcher had to buy coal from apartheid-era South Africa and sadly the Irish Government may also have to deal with an evil regime to source outdated equipment. Cuba should be happy to oblige.

Of more concern is the reaction of the unions once they realise their coup has been thwarted. Addressing the Sinn Féin ardfheis this weekend, Siptu president Jack O’Connor said the unions had “a great deal to learn” from the party. Other than growing a beard and hiring Frank Connolly as a press officer, what else might he have in mind?

During the miners’ strike, the IRA tried to kill Baroness Thatcher by blowing up a hotel. However, dozens of hotels could be blown up across Ireland today without anyone even noticing. A greater fear may be the return of answering machine bombs, first developed in the 1980s for use against confidential telephones.

Strike-breaking managers will have to be equipped to examine answering machines for suspect devices, perhaps with a little dentist’s mirror to check underneath before opening the tape deck. They will also require training to spot signs that a machine has been tampered with by Siptu members. For example, a compensation claim for a back injury may indicate that someone has tried to lift it.

But as long as care is taken and there are enough machines to provide the usual level of service, there is really very little for working people to get hung up about.