Sir, - The following, witnessed, in action by myself and many, others on a daily basis, are the rules of the road for drivers according to Murphy's Law:
1 Green light, keep going amber light, go faster red light, put the boot to the floor.
2 Always stop on the middle of a junction, whether there's a yellow box or not, and you're bound to cause a tail back on the cross road which will make the roadwatch news on the radio.
3 Never use an indicator; you don't want other road users getting one over on you.
4 If you hear a crunching noise as you take a left turn or pull into a parking space, don't worry. It's only the cyclist whom you overtook at high speed, to get where you're going.
5 Pedestrian crossings are handy places to stop, if you ever decide to stop for a red light. Don't worry about people with buggies, wheelchairs and other items which prevent them from squeezing between your car and the next they can always wait until rush hour is over to cross the road.
6 When pulling out from the kerb wait until a cyclist is just about to pass by, and then put the "boot down. This particularly applies to bus drivers.
7 Do not use your wing mirrors. This is especially relevant to left side passengers who get out of cars in the middle of heavy traffic, and ensures maximum amount of bruising to the shins of cyclists.
8 When approaching a junction with several lanes, and you intend to turn left, always go around the right hand side of any cyclist in the middle lane. It's sure to give them an almighty scare, if not knock them off altogether.
9 Finally, always go as fast as you can. Didn't you know that driving on ordinary roads is really a form of Grand Prix, combining with an obstacle course to test your skill and nerve, and you don't want anyone else to get to the finish before you, right? - Yours, etc.,
Prospect Terrace,
Kilmainham,
Dublin 8.