It's political correctness that's gone a bit funny

NEWTON'S OPTIC:IN RESPONSE to the Irish jokes requested by England's Centre for Social Cohesion, The Irish Timesbrings you these socially cohesive English jokes for further mutual understanding.

An Irishman, a Scotsman and an Englishman walk into a bar. The Irishman says “I’ll have a Guinness.” The Scotsman says “I’ll have a whisky.” The Englishman says “Why are we all men? Shouldn’t at least two of us be women to correct the historical gender bias inherent in this form of comic narrative?”

An Englishman comes home to find his wife in bed with his best friend. “I fully accept your relationship choice,” he says. “No one should judge how we organise our family.”

A rabbi, an imam and an Anglican minister are sitting together on a plane. “Sorry about all that ‘Jesus’ nonsense,” the minister says. “Would you mind awfully if I was homosexual?”

What do you get if you cross the Equality Commission and the Human Rights Commission? A more effective organisation for promoting values of tolerance and respect.

An Englishman gets pulled over by the police. “Was I speeding?” he asks. “No,” the officer says, “but we’ll take your DNA for our database anyway.”

An Englishman sees a sign in a shop window which reads “Talking dog for sale”, so he goes inside and says to the shopkeeper: “I’d like to buy that dog as I have trouble establishing relationships with people.”

Why is there no aspirin in the jungle? Because Prince Charles told the parrots to try homoeopathy.

An Englishman finds a lamp on the beach, gives it a rub and a genie appears. “I grant you three wishes,” the genie says.

“You are an offensive Middle-Eastern stereotype,” the Englishman replies. “Also, you should replace that lamp with an energy-saving lightbulb.”

How many Englishmen does it take to change a lightbulb? None. It is racist to distinguish between “light” and “dark”.

An Englishman goes to the doctor and says “I don’t feel very well.” The doctor says “I’m afraid you are socio-economically marginalised. Have you considered homoeopathy?”

A Frenchman, an American and an Englishman are in a balloon that is losing height.

The Frenchman throws his luggage overboard and says “Now we are 20kg lighter.” The American throws his luggage overboard and says “Now we are 44lbs lighter.” The Englishman throws his post-imperial baggage overboard and says “Will you stop hating me if I clearly hate myself?”

Why did the Englishman cross the road? To buy a copy of the Guardianand read the public sector job ads.

An African, an Indian and an Englishman are standing at the Pearly Gates. The Englishman says: “This is just the sort of diversity I was hoping for.”

How do you know when an Englishman has been in your fridge? Health warnings on the butter.

A Yorkshireman, a Cornishman and a Geordie are waiting for the bus. “I’ve got an idea,” says the Yorkshireman. “Let’s set up regional assemblies so we can pay for another tier of clipboard-wielding busybodies.”