Eight-module policing course tailored to a dictator's needs

NEWTON'S OPTIC: THANK YOU for purchasing this eight- module course in progressive policing from NICOP, Northern Ireland’s leading…

NEWTON'S OPTIC:THANK YOU for purchasing this eight- module course in progressive policing from NICOP, Northern Ireland's leading non-MI6 exporter of law enforcement consultancy services.

This lesson plan has been specifically tailored to the needs of your country and/or dictator.

Please follow the instructions carefully, paying due regard at all times to health and safety, the rights of others and the bountiful munificence of Brotherly Leader Col Muammar Gadafy, Guide of the First of September Great Revolution of the Libyan People’s Socialist Arab Republic.

1. Disarming a suspect

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If the person you wish to arrest is carrying an offensive weapon, like Semtex or a surface-to-air missile, you should call for immediate backup. Ask despatch to send a Canadian general and two blindfolded imams, one Shia and one Sunni, in a cement mixer. Get the general to reverse the cement mixer very slowly up to the suspect and release its contents. Both imams may then remove their blindfolds to verify that the situation has been contained.

2. Investigating a robbery

If a large sum of cash has been stolen, perhaps from a bank, submit an authorised request in triplicate to the central finance committee to recall, redesign and reissue the currency. This may take too long to foil the robbers but it is an excellent opportunity to update the colonel’s portrait on the dinar.

3. Preventing youth crime

Poverty, unemployment and family breakdown are all factors in youth offending, which often involves hijacking vehicles and leaving them ablaze on your country’s main railway line. Fortunately, Libya has no railway lines. Be sure not to build any.

4. ABSOs

Few things are as anti-social as secretly developing an atomic bomb, which is why the UK has introduced Atomic Bomb Stoppage Orders. Learn how these uniquely flexible arrangements prevent neighbours falling out, and indeed prevent fallout.

5. Fighting hate crime

Previously known in Libya as “thought crime”, hate crime is the new and progressive way to criminalise the contents of peoples’ heads. A hate crime has occurred if anyone says that it has. No further proof is required.

However, this is not exactly the same as a thought crime because it’s about, you know, racism and stuff. The whole concept is probably a bit advanced for non-westerners to understand. Just write it down and think it over on the camel ride home.

6. Tackling football hooliganism

In this module, we examine how soccer matches are more easily policed when the son of your absolute ruler just happens to be captain of the national football team, captain of the capital’s football team, president of the national football federation, and married to the army chief’s daughter.

7. Gathering intelligence

If you need someone to sign off a spying operation, make sure they have more intelligence than Ian Paisley jnr.

8. Counter-terrorism

In this final module, we review the services that should be available at your police station’s terrorism counter. Today’s ex-terrorist expects personalised advice plus a range of informative leaflets. Recommended titles include: Compassionate Release for Beginners, Insensitive Triumphalism for Experts and So you want us to forget about the Berlin disco bombings.

If you would like to take advantage of Northern Ireland’s leaflet-printing expertise, please speak to a sales representative.