An Irishman's Diary

A Nigerian reader has forwarded me an e-mail he received a few days ago, purportedly from this country. It was headed “Request for urgent business relationship” and the English is a bit eccentric in places.

But here it is in full: Dear Friend, You have been carefully selected to be favoured with this communication, due to your superior trustworthiness and the most excellent testimonials that have been vouchsafed for you. However, I must solicit your most strictest confidence in the transaction to be detailed, which as you will comprehend should be preserved a “top secret” between us.

First, let me introduce myself. I am a middle-ranking official in the Irish finance ministry, positioned in Dublin. My duties embrace computation of our national debt – which according to my last count comes to 142.6 squillion euros, not including interest – and the overseeing of repayments to Ireland’s creditors.

Part of my responsibilities include supervision of the periodic loading (onto the back of unmarked trucks) of tens of millions in debt. This is then shipped to Namaland, the remote and mysterious tribal area where most of Ireland’s crude indebtedness is now processed, prior to export.

In view of what I am about to unfold to you, it is also imperative that you know something of my personal situation. In this regard, be appraised that I am the sole breadwinner in a family of 17 who has also striven to do his best by them but can no longer afford the mortgage repayments on our two-roomed shack, which was bought for €950,000 at the height of the “boom”.

My late father was a victim of political oppression. Upon hearing that one of our former prime ministers was being paid to give lectures overseas about Ireland’s economic success, he suffered a sudden, massive attack of indignation, which proved instantly fatal. Since then, my widowed mother and several of my younger siblings have also developed life-threatening conditions, requiring immediate surgery, preferably not in local hospitals.

You should also learn that, as a member of Ireland’s ethnic minority, the “Státseirbhísigh”, I face continual persecution over my religious beliefs, particularly the belief in a guaranteed and ever-lasting State pension, which members of my sect hold sacred. This is regarded as heresy by the majority ethnic group, who grow more militant by the day. In fact, I have good reason to fear that my job-for-life itself may now be threatened.

For all these reasonings, it is imperative that my family and I flee Ireland and begin new lives overseas, as soon as the feasibility of such a course can be established. This is where, God-willing, you can help.

In the course of my duties recently, it came to notice that a sum of €3.6 billion in debt contracts had become mislaid in my department. It is most probable that it fell off the back of a lorry en route to Namaland. There is so much of the stuff around here, it’s impossible to keep track. In any case, the exact same amount has also been entered as received in the Namaland debt-shipping records.

The gross and net result is that I am now the potential sole beneficiary of €3.6 billion worth of debt repayments that nobody else has noticed were enumerated twice. I know you may find this hard to believe. But trust me, we Irish are a very simple, pastoral people, and beyond the counting of cattle, arithmetic has never been our strong point.

Nevertheless, you will appreciate that I cannot transfer the potential deposits in my own name. Hence my need for a trusted off-shore business partner in whose accounts the funds might “rest” temporarily.

Naturally, your co-operation in this enterprise would not go unrecompensed. I propose a commission fee of 15 per cent of the €3.6 billion – which by my calculations would be €2 billion, or thereabouts – in expression of my gratitude. I hope these terms will be fully satisfactory to you.

Be assured, my esteemed friend, that there is nothing immoral in this transaction. If it does not go to you and I, the money may instead end up in the hands of grasping international bankers, and no doubt be reinvested in the international arms industry. This way, you can advance the cause of world peace while also helping to change lives.

My family and I will be forever in your debt (and in a sense, our debt will be forever in your family!!!). But speed is of the utmost in a venture such as this. Please expedite the consummation of our relationship by forwarding your bank details (account number, sort code, PIN, mother’s maiden name, etc) to this address at the earliest opportunity. If you would be so kind as to fax me a copy of your signature, that would also be greatly appreciated.

Yours in partnership, Meehawl O’Spalpeen.