The Department of Education has commissioned an updated version of Hamlet which aims to be more relevant to our every-problem-can- be- solved-with- a- pill society.
The new play opens with Hamlet feeling out of sorts: his father has recently died and his mother has married his uncle. On top of that, he is having girlfriend trouble with Ophelia - or Fiona, as she is now called.
Things take a turn for the better when, one day, Hamlet tunes into Marion Finucane's radio show and hears a well-known figure reveal how anti-depressants changed his life. Hamlet decides to act immediately and, two months later, picks up his top-of-the-line Nokia mobile phone and makes an appointment to see his GP.
At the surgery, Hamlet outlines his ailments to his doctor: he is suffering the pangs of bereavement, he has a touch of Oedipus Complex and his sex drive is at an all-time low.
The good doctor refers Hamlet to a psychiatrist in a local hospital. There, the Prince explains that he just isn't very happy. In fact, he's quite miserable. He misses his father, is disgusted with his mother and hates his Uncle Claudius, his new stepfather. Worst of all, he can never get to watch what he wants on TV.
Rather than prescribe anti-depressants immediately, the psychiatrist suggests that Hamlet try some counselling, and gives him the name of someone to call: Polonius.
Registered counsellor
Hamlet attends a session with Polonius, a registered counsellor, who offers sensible advice on how to live a constructive and satisfying life, wisely explaining that there is no quick-fix solution to unhappiness. Hamlet denounces Polonius as an old fool and slays him for wasting his time.
He reverts to his psychiatrist, who now realises that the young Prince is prone to violence and in a state of obvious sexual confusion; he is, after all, wearing tights.
To make things even more complicated, Hamlet reveals that the ghost of his father has appeared to him several times, urging his son to avenge his murder, which he attributes to Claudius. Without another thought, the psychiatrist prescribes 20mg of an anti-depressant to be taken once a day.
Hamlet doesn't immediately feel the effects of the drug. It takes a week for them to kick in. In the meantime, he has the occasional suicidal thought when alone. He also goes wandering around graveyards late at night, talking to skulls, and listens to Westlife's latest album. Other than that, things are fine.
Less anxious
As the medication takes effect, Hamlet is less anxious about the world around him. His relations with his mother and stepfather become cordial and he tries to put the spark back into his relationship with Fiona. Yet, although he is better able to cope with everyday life, he still feels a sense of joylessness in everything he does.
After a month, he returns to his psychiatrist and reports on the effects of the anti-depressants. They have made him calmer and more lucid, but not happier. He admits that for as far back as he can remember he has tended to be morose and, even at the best of times, was never exactly the life and soul of the tavern. The psychiatrist suggests that Hamlet double his daily intake of anti-depressants.
Another week passes and, gradually, Hamlet's humour improves. It occurs to him that maybe Claudius isn't such a bad guy after all. And if indeed his uncle did murder the former king - well, he must have done something to deserve it.
The ghost reappears and insists that Hamlet avenge his untimely death. His son accuses him of being nothing more than a figment of his imagination, and, just as when the old man was alive, he proceeds to ignore everything his father says.
Hamlet talks Fiona into going on anti-depressants and, soon after, doped up to their eyeballs, the two youngsters suddenly realise how much they truly love each another.
Joy and celebration
When the engagement of the Prince and his girlfriend is announced, there is great joy and celebration in the Kingdom of Denmark, not least because, at this stage, everybody is on anti-depressants.
Once married, Hamlet is reconciled to his mother, lovingly accepts his stepfather and lives happily ever after with them in their castle - if only because of high property prices.
The End.
It is planned to introduce The Comedy of Hamlet to the Leaving Certificate English syllabus in the near future. Preliminary research suggests that the changes have not reduced the impact of the work: pupils still hate studying the play and wonder, if it's a comedy, why it doesn't make them laugh? Like Father Ted.