Newton's Optic: With fewer than 24 hours remaining before the people of Meath go to the polls, Newton Emerson joins UUP candidate Jim O'Really on the doorsteps of Navan for one last byelection sketch. Honest.
It is a little-known fact that Navan is the birthplace of Rear-Admiral Sir Francis Beaufort, who devised the Beaufort Scale for measuring wind strength.
So has the Meath byelection campaign been a breeze or a storm? "A bit of both I suppose," says Ulster Unionist Party candidate Jim O'Really, "but I assure you that I am no moderate gael."
This is as good an example of his no-nonsense character as the preceding paragraph was of a nonsense introduction. Another little-known fact about Navan is that it was founded by Lord Hugh de Lacy, who together with his partner, Lady Hugh de Cagney, brought law and order to the mean streets of Anglo-Norman Ireland.
Law and order is still an issue on the mean streets of Navan today, according to O'Really. "People ask me a lot of questions about crime," he says.
"For example, what is a crime? Does everybody in Ireland have to agree that something is a crime to make it a crime? Can something be 'criminal' but not be a crime? Mostly though, they ask 'Who are you?' "
This is a better question than recent media attention on the 15th-placed candidate might suggest. Many people in Meath are surprised to learn that a unionist is standing in the constituency, although O'Really claims that his party's support is growing all the time. "Every day more unionists move to Meath," he says.
"For example, almost everyone who sees the 'Battle of the Boyne' signpost on the N1 and decides to take a look gets so hopelessly lost near Slane that they end up going around in circles for years. Such people are natural Ulster Unionist Party voters."
But how can the UUP broaden its appeal to the wider electorate? "Northern Ireland just isn't a concern for most people here," concedes O'Really. "That's why my campaign emphasises our work on the ground. Work on the ground is vital because that is where most people live. It is also where most people work, except at Tara Mines, where they work under the ground."
Local issues certainly dominate on the doorsteps. "What's your policy on the M3 through Tara Valley?" asks a man who will not give his name because he has phoned in sick despite suffering only the creeping malaise of his commuter-hell existence.
"That's a tough one," replies O'Really. "Obviously we're against the Dublin Road and in favour of Kings of Ireland. However, we also have problems with alternative routes and green protesters. So on the motorway issue, as on most issues, I suppose you could say that unionists have central reservations."
"Do you support the incinerator?" asks a woman who will not give her name either, because too many people she knows equate living this far from Dublin with failure and deep down she agrees with them.
"Well, there are a lot of unionists who think the people of Meath should burn forever," admits the UUP man.
"However, I'd describe that as more of a DUP position."
Still, the question of Northern Ireland does arise once during our canvassing. "What about the 26 million years of unionist misrule?" asks a man who will not give his name, rank or serial number.
"That is demonisation," responds O'Really.
"Unionists may have been involved in misrule but misrule was not official Ulster Unionist Party policy. Besides, we were drunk at the time - and several of those involved have been shot." The man appears to be completely satisfied with this answer.
So will the unionist message reap dividends at the ballot box? O'Really is confident that it can. "Navan may look prosperous but there are a lot of angry losers out there," he explains.
"Our message to those people is simple: don't blame your miserable existence on your own squalid ignorance. Blame it instead on the British for pulling out of the 26 counties."
But really, I ask O'Really, is he seriously suggesting that thousands of voters in an ordinary town in the modern Irish Republic will support a party that has no real policies beyond telling gullible people what they want to hear, while knowingly pandering to their dormant tribal grudges?
"Oh for God's sake, man," says O'Really. "Let me tell you a little-known fact about Navan . . . "
Newton Emerson is editor of the satirical website portadownnews.com