The story so far: the ruthless television supremo Ebeneezer Scrooge, satisfied with his lean, mean Christmas schedule, and dreaming of bigger bonuses and better perks to come, gets an unexpected, ghostly visit from Marley, his former partner in crime, now paying for his past misdeeds with an indefinite sojourn in hell (he's a part-time lecturer in media and communications). To show Scrooge the error of his ways, Marley takes him on a tour through time. Now read on . . .
The Ghost of TV Christmas Past
It's the end of a perfect day. Settling down with a few selection boxes and a glass of this new-fangled Bailey's stuff, Bob Cratchit looks forward to what he knows is always the best television evening of the year. The Morecambe and Wise Show, the Stanley Baxter Christmas Special - who could ask for better? Of course, there's more snow on the screen than you'll ever see on the ground hereabouts, but the choices are straightforward. Bob knows from experience not even to dream of watching RTE's all-singing, all-dancing Christmas spectacular with Maxi, Dick and Twink, and anyway, Eric and Ernie are as much a part of Christmas as turkey and ham.
The movies have been great this Christmas, too. Mrs Cratchit and Tiny Tim loved The Sound of Music (sometimes Bob wonders about that boy), showing in its TV premiere more than 10 years after it was in the cinemas, although Bob preferred Where Eagles Dare. He snuggles down happily into the reassuring static of his Dralon armchair and pokes Tiny Tim with a crutch, sending the little mite hobbling across the room to turn up the volume. Bob takes a tentative sip of his Bailey's, (mmm; unusual but delicious), cracks open a Curly-Wurly and thinks happily about tomorrow. Ben Hur is on, and he has never seen it before . . .
The Ghost of TV Christmas Present
Irritation is rife in the Cratchit household. Bob isn't particularly pushed about anything on offer on the telly. He supposes he could tolerate Men Behaving Badly and They Think It's All Over on BBC 1, but Mrs Cratchit can't abide laddish, loutish comedy. The younger family members are under-whelmed by the prospect of Babe on RTE 1, which they've seen five times already on video, so what's the big deal? There must be something on the British channels, though? Well, there's . . . Babe, on BBC 1. So much for choice.
Back on RTE, Upwardly Mobile is nearly over, thank God, and Braveheart will be starting soon. But if you haven't seen Braveheart on tape by now, then you're not likely to be much of a Mel Gibson fan. Reruns of Father Ted, Friends and, yes, Men Behaving Badly on Network 2? Bob doesn't think so, nor is he tempted by profiles of Ted Hughes and Leonard Bernstein on the pointy-headed channels. Meanwhile, he hasn't seen Tiny Tim all day; the little tyke is upstairs, already through to level five of Brain Krusher IV (no wonder he looks so pale and wan. Will he ever see another Christmas?), and the rest of the kids are finding out how long it takes to drown a Furby.
Bob knows that his boss Mr Scrooge will enjoy ITV's line-up - You've Been Framed at Christmas, Who Wants to Be a Christmas Millionaire? and Christmasses from Hell, but he himself just feels depressed and faintly nauseous. Too many choices, too much rubbish, and he has a suspicion that the Bailey's he drank earlier was off . . .
The Ghost of TV Christmas Yet to Come
Bob studies his 500-channel screen menu with some gloom. Where to begin? Well, RTE 27 is showing a rerun of an old Upwardly Mobile Christmas special from 1998 - very good value at only 49 euros - and the Carrie Crowley Channel has a themed evening on the subject of sycophantic chat show hosts. One of the 12 Friends Channels has the classic episode where Rachel comes to terms with being a grandmother, although there's always a fight over who gets to pick from the five optional endings on offer.
Of course, there's no such thing as video any more, but there's a couple of new releases, including Lethal Weapon XIII, on the movie-on-demand service, which the Cratchits saw in their local megaplex last weekend. Mrs Cratchit has gone out to the sales, which started at six o'clock this morning. So the live Euro-soccer match between the Dublin Dons and the Copenhagen Cougars is a possibility, although Bob can never figure out how to pick the right camera angle or access the continuous action replay, and the bloody thing costs a fortune since Elizabeth Murdoch launched her take-over bid for the British monarchy.
But hark! Lifting his pinched little face to his beloved father, Tiny Tim plaintively whispers: "What about a nice game of Scrabble, Dad?"
"What the hell," mumbles Bob to himself, turning to the 48-inch, wall-mounted, liquid crystal, wide-screen monstrosity in the corner, and, with a gleeful cry of "Bah, Humbug!", switching the damn thing off for once and for all.