What we really need right now is to win the Eurovision

DÁIL SKETCH:THIS IS all to do with the Eurovision Song Contest.

The Two Brians feel the nation needs a little lift. How right they are. What better than victory in Russia in a fortnight’s time?

So they have hatched a cunning plan. (Resist that urge to run for the lifeboats.) The Eurovision is not like it was years ago, when Ireland had only to turn up to make the final reckoning. Now, it’s all about geopolitical voting, with countries voting for their many neighbours, who were once their compatriots, before the latest war.

Island nations don’t stand a chance. However, last weekend, Brian Lenihan told a conference that we are the talk of Europe at the moment for the way we are dealing with the economic crisis.

Our European partners, he told his gobsmacked audience, are “amazed at our capacity to take pain”. In France, birthplace of the Marquis de Sade, “you would have riots if you tried to do this”, the Minister for Finance told his stunned audience.

He seemed quite proud.

Note to Martin Cullen – get on to Fáilte Ireland as quick as possible and alert them to a possible gap in the tourism market. “Discover Ireland, where pain is our pleasure. Visit a traditional Irish BB, where you can enjoy a full Irish breakfast and whip the Bean an Tí on your way out . . .” Just a thought.

So here we are in Leinster House, and the Taoiseach is on his feet in the Dáil chamber, dolefully accepting the country is under the lash and will remain that way for the foreseeable future. “We are facing a difficult situation and we have budgeted for a contraction,” said Biffo, warning citizens to brace themselves.

“The Taoiseach and his Government are smarting from criticism from their backbenchers that they are out of touch and paralysed, that they are unaware of what businesses need, are not responding to that need, and that a cosy circle is dictating policy,” said Fine Gael’s Richard Bruton, anxious to test the Taoiseach’s capacity for pain.

“This is nothing to the fury the Government will encounter from ordinary people who are seeing their life prospects and those of their children going up in smoke,” added Richard, standing in for his leader, Enda Kenny, who was away in Warsaw doing stuff.

Labour leader Eamon Gilmore reminded Biffo of the report from the Economic and Social Research Institute.

Turning the thumbscrews, the ESRI predicted that as much as one in five workers might be out of a job by the end of next year, while our recession is the worst seen in any developed country since the Great Depression of the 1930s. “How many more people are going to lose their jobs in this economy before you lose yours?” demanded Eamon, as Fianna Fáil backbenchers winced.

They love it really. The pain.

Then the Taoiseach told Deputy Gilmore to go ahead and attack him all he wanted. All he asked was that he could defend himself with the same level of gusto that Eamon employed when attacking him.

Later in the morning, word filtered through that there might be a problem with the mortgage interest relief changes that were announced in the Budget by Mr Lenihan.

It’s hugely complicated, but essentially, it meant that hard- pressed workers, trying to make ends meet in the current climate, were suddenly hit with the news that they might lose their mortgage interest relief. Talk about scaring the living daylights out of people. More pain.

Back in Europe, they must have been agog.

Labour’s finance expert, Joan Burton, was in such pain she could hardly come to terms with this latest comedy of confusion from the Two Brians and their Blunder Budgets.“Even for me, this is head-wrecking.”

According to the Minister, if we were living in Paris, they’d be rioting on the streets.

Later in the day, the Labour Party unveiled its local election candidates.

Very nice, civic-minded people. The first of a long parade of local election candidates who will be fighting for column inches and airspace over the coming weeks, shoulder to shoulder with European election hopefuls and the runners and riders in the two Dublin by-elections.

Oh yes, apart from the awful financial uncertainty, we’ll know what it is to feel pain by the time June 5th rolls around.

Yesterday evening, Brian Cowen and his predecessor, Bertie Ahern, launched books within minutes, and yards, of each other in Buswells Hotel and the Mansion House. Bertie, in his speech, expressed a desire to become the first elected lord mayor of Dublin. Biffo, one surmises, suppressed the desire to inflict pain on his predecessor.

Which brings us back to the Eurovision Song Contest.

Such is the degree of pain that is being endured by the Irish nation at the moment, our European partners must be lost in amazement at our capacity for pain. In the Baltic states or high in the mountains of Bavaria; around the Icelandic fjords or on the Spanish plains, they talk in awe of the capacity of the Irish for taking pain.

In recognition of their bravery, the least they can do is give the plucky Irish their Eurovision vote.

Result, so, for The Two Brians, as the country rejoices and forgets its woes for a little while.

Until the cost of hosting the competition in Ireland sinks in. Another great idea, gone wrong.

And all they wanted to do was stop the hurt.