Too many spanners and a shortage of sharp tacks in the tool box

DAIL SKETCH:EVERY GOVERNMENT needs its ministers – a vital assortment of tools required to ensure the smooth running of any nation.

“The tool kit available to us is the same as that available to other countries,” argued the Taoiseach yesterday.

The Labour Party didn’t agree. Too many spanners, a few nuts and a shortage of sharp tacks do not a toolbox make.

Furthermore, Brian’s tools are far better paid than their counterparts in the rest of Europe. And when the time comes for an upgrade, the discarded ones drop gently from the box attached to generous parachute payments.

Cowen brought up the matter of the tools during Leaders’ Questions. Unsurprisingly, they came to mind when he was referring to “impaired assets”. As he read from his briefing note, Biffo may very well have been talking about Ireland’s perilous financial situation. In fact, this was quite likely, as Eamon Gilmore had just asked him to comment on the prevailing international view – from the IMF to a Nobel Prize-winning economist – that the Government is making a hames of handling the bank crisis.

The Taoiseach sliced through the Labour leader’s loaded question with all the clinical precision of an old sock cutting through a lump of cheddar.

The unhelpful commentary from the IMF had to do with the interpretation of figures, it seems. “The particular figures appear to be based on more or less mechanical application of various modelling tools, with a heavy reliance on technical assumptions,” droned Biffo, whose Dáil statements on the crisis read like financial soft porn for Civil Service number crunchers. Then there is the opinion of Prof Paul Krugman, not the mention the raft of senior economists who wrote to Madam last week warning that we’re going to hell in a handcart if the Government continues the way it’s going with the banks.

The Taoiseach – could he be called a Stepford Mandarin? – parroted what the brainy people in the Department of Finance had prepared for him: “On what Prof Krugman or any other eminent economist or number of economists might be saying about the banking system, we are very much of the view that we stand ready to assist in relation to financial institutions of systemic importance. The question of impaired assets and how one deals with assets in this situation will be in line with the EU guidelines in these matters.

“The tool kit available to us is the same as that available to other countries.”

As he stands and reads his notes, Brian Cowen sounds thoroughly unconvincing. It’s only when he climbs into the trenches and slugs it out with his Opposition number that there is any sign of passion.

“You’re against everything because you keep wanting to play the populist game!” he roared at Gilmore. “That’s your game!”

Every time he accuses the Opposition of indulging in game playing, his opponents get the chance to remind him that we are in a serious situation and this is not a game. Will he ever learn?

A short while later he announced his new line-up of junior ministers. The country would have held its breath, if people had been remotely interested. Seven ministers of state were dropped (with a 50-grand-plus gratuity to cushion the blow.) Two new recruits were brought in to join the existing stellar cast of whatyamacallems.

They were delighted with themselves. Everyone in the chamber congratulated them – Áine Brady and Dara Calleary.

The jilted seven bore up bravely, although some of them couldn’t face the chamber. The two Marys – Wallace and Hoctor – suffered the indignity of being amalgamated into one ministerial role, which was then given to Áine Brady.

It took courage for Cowen to make these changes. In a bold and courageous move, he broke free from the chains of convention and the Ahern era, took his Government by the scruff of the neck and finally began to act like a true leader.

Yes, he ditched De Brudder in favour of Da Sister, and for the first time in over a decade, he appointed a woman to ministerial office who isn’t called Mary. We can only hope that the international press will take note of this. Decisive leadership is what this country needs.

Noel Ahern was given the heave-ho. This was seen in some quarters as a sign that the Cowen administration is trying to put as much distance as it possibly can between itself and the Bertie Ahern years.

Da Sister is Áine Brady of the FF Kitt dynasty. Her brother Michael was ousted to make way for her. Kilkenny’s John McGuinness was said to be shocked at the decision to drop him from the tool box. He was one of the few sharp tacks.

Biffo may yet rue the day he decided to ditch him.

The new team of juniors were unveiled at a photocall on the steps of Government Buildings, when the political Lotto-winners posed with the Taoiseach. They were not allowed to speak, and only photographers were allowed to attend because they don’t ask questions. Reporters turned up anyway, and when asked to leave, they refused to move. This led to an uneasy stand-off. Eventually, the juniors were brought out to have their picture taken. Nobody asked any questions.

Back in the House, Richard Bruton recalled being told that getting the half-car was like becoming “third mate on the Titanic”. Bruton – filling in for Enda Kenny, who was in Israel – mused “here we have 15 mates, enough to fill a whole lifeboat!”