Not caring two hells twice over

THE LAST STRAW/Frank McNally: When, during the Dáil row over college fees, Bertie Ahern first accused the Opposition of not caring "two hells" about the disadvantaged, I thought it was a verbal slip. As those of us who try to interpret the teachings of the Zen master of Drumcondra know, he sometimes speaks in strange tongues.

Like airline passengers and their luggage, his words and meaning do not always arrive together, and there can be long, frustrating delays before the two are reconciled.

It seemed obvious he meant to use one of the more traditional metaphors for indifference. Paradoxically, given that such phrases imply the least possible amount of caring on the part of the accused, they almost invariably involve - like the Taoiseach's - a double quantity of the object noun. Thus, one is said not to care "two hoots", "two ha'pence", or a "twopenny damn". The exception to the rule is "one whit", an older unit of apathy roughly equivalent to two hoots (or four half-hoots); but that was before inflation.

As I say, I just assumed the Taoiseach had used the wrong word. Then this week he popped up on television and, during the course of a lecture to journalists on the importance of following the "real story", he said it again. The real story, he insisted, was that the Opposition did not "care two hells".

So, taking up his challenge, I decided to investigate the real story behind his unusual but clearly deliberate choice of phrase; and I started, as one does, with the Internet search engine, Google. As you probably know, Google instantaneously trawls billions of web pages worldwide, and its biggest drawback is that, if your search terms are too vague, it can throw up 50,000 "hits". So imagine my surprise when the phrase I typed - "care two hells" - uncovered exactly one match on the entire planet! This was on the cult website, www.feargalquinn.ie, which is operated by the popular senator of the same name (Senator www.feargalquinn.ie), and carries his mission statement: "My aim is to make parliament easy to follow." A worthy aim, and exactly what I was looking for, or so I thought.

Sadly, the site only offered the Dáil record of the original comment, and no further explanation. None the wiser, I broadened my search, dropping the word "care" and this time typing only "two hells".

This turned up a promising 860 hits, including several references to a song called Two Hells by the respected New Zealand heavy metal outfit HLAH (or Head Like A Hole, to give them their full title).

It occurred to me that the song's lyrics might throw some light on the Taoiseach's phrase. But then I noticed that the band's work also includes titles such as Wet Rubber, Juicy Lucy, and Comfortably Shagged. So it occurred to me that maybe this was as far into the band's lyrics as a family newspaper would want to delve.

The mystery lingered, however, and I also consulted a number of pre-Internet sources, including the Bible. As the Free Presbyterians among you will know, the Bible (in Revelations, 20:14) refers to two separate hells; and you'll also know that while the exact nature of these is open to interpretation, us Catholics are going straight to both. But the Good Book did not answer my question. Nor did an arguably even better book, Brewer's Dictionary of Phrase and Fable, although it too features a quote suggesting twin abodes of the damned: one called "hell", and one better known as "Connacht".

I was on the point of abandoning all hope, when it struck me that maybe the Taoiseach was quoting from Dante's Inferno.

This is, after all, the greatest portrayal of the underworld in literature. Its description of hell is highly detailed: from the first circle, where the least sinful (virtuous pagans/the lustful) reside; through the middle circles (the prodigal/ avaricious); down to the ninth and lowest circle (lawyers/people who work in advertising). So if only to rule it out of my inquiries, I bought a copy and read it from start to finish.

Like hell I did. I looked it up on Google. And there was no clue there either.

It was small consolation to discover in the course of my researches that, according to Brewer's, the term "twopenny damn" was popularised by another Irish-born leader, the Duke of Wellington. A fact that reminded me of last year's famous photograph of the Taoiseach standing in the flooded River Styx, er, I mean Tolka. Which in turn suggested that there could be a brilliant conclusion to this column combining the phrases "wellingtons" and "wet rubber". If I think of it, I'll let you know.