Launch was so grim we longed for PJ Mara

THERE IS always something left to remind us . . . the vast AIB edifice where monumental mistakes were finally owned up to on Wednesday is directly across the road from where the Fianna Fáil manifesto launch took place.

The single golden balloon shimmering above the stage at the launch in the RDS was killed off with a long pole and an unnerving bang just as the party’s European Parliament candidates were herded like dogs to a pound towards their close-packed little chairs on stage.

It was bleak. How we yearned for PJ Mara and the way he might look at you from behind the curtains before whirring on stage, Cabaret-style, arms raised to the idolatrous masses with: “It’s showtime, folks!”

Showtime this was not.

As the eight candidates plus the Taoiseach, Micheál Martin and Dick Roche took their seats on stage, with the campaign’s clunky slogan – “Europe, we are better working together” – as the backdrop, we idly wondered what Lynn Truss would make of the comma placing.

Meanwhile, the cast’s body language cried out for a PJ armed with a crate of happy pills. The personable Thomas Byrne, at 31 by far the youngest of the crew, looked tired and edgy, and so would you if you were recovering from the flu.

He just happened to be sitting near Ned O’Keeffe, who famously farms swine, though Ned looked innocent enough (which is to say, not terribly, since it’s Ned) and fearfully dapper in a stylish brown suit, cream socks and very elegant loafers.

As the Taoiseach began to speak, we sat, pencil poised, eagerly anticipating a lash of that bullish, battling Offaly spirit.

He spoke about “shunning the politics of protest and negativity”, “a cohesive teamwork approach”, “a strong Ireland in a strong Europe ”.

Robust questioning followed about how on earth people could support Fianna Fáil given the loss of jobs, etc; whether he would debate with Gilmore and Kenny and would he admit to mistakes now that even the AIB guy had admitted to his?

Ned admired his lovely loafers and Brian Crowley gazed straight ahead as the Taoiseach dealt with the last one by declaring that he took full responsibility for every decision he has ever made.

So anyway, Taoiseach, what about the job losses and house slashings?

“Our candidates are the best equipped to represent their [constituents’] interests in Europe . . . ”

And what about the torrid time Fianna Fáil is getting on the doorsteps ?

“We have a great team of people out there engaging with people . . . ”

So are you up for a debate with Gilmore and Kenny?

“The critique from the Opposition is totally inconsistent and incoherent.”

And what are the chances of holding seats or even gaining one or two?

“The bottom line in our canvass is about the quality, capacity and calibre of our candidates . . . ”

Mmmh . . . Isn’t Eoin Ryan great, though, the way he remains so wry and boyish?

And Paschal Mooney, so nice and clean-cut?

And then there’s mischievous Ned, who alleges they all see him as “George Lee Number 2” since he’s been criticising the Government’s economic policies since 2006.