Walk like a man, talk like a man...

Don't believe every bit of gender 'research' you read, writes Tony Humphries"Biological differences do not equalemotional and behavioural differences"

It is worrying when writers quote research findings uncritically. Recently, I read that research is proving that the reluctance men have with feelings and with communicating may have a biological root. The theory is that the emotional centres of a man's brain are located far more discreetly than in a woman's, and the two halves of the male brain are connected by a smaller group of fibres than in the female brain. The notion is that information flows less easily from the right (emotional) side to the left (verbal) side, so men tend to have difficulties expressing how they feel.

I wonder how these writers would explain how rapidly men can touch into their anger! What is absolutely questionable about the quoted research is that biological differences do not equal emotional and behavioural differences between the sexes.

Another consideration is which comes first - the behavioural and emotional differences or the physical differences between the sexes? Furthermore, observation shows no differences in the emotional responses between male and female infants; it is only later on that differences begin to emerge. A further objection I have to the biological hypothesis is that not all men have difficulties in identifying and expressing their feelings and there are women who can be just as emotionally illiterate as men.

My own belief regarding some men's difficulties with emotional expression lies in how they are brought up, what is expected of them and what is provided for them.

Parents can feel hurt, puzzled and guilty when the cute boys they doted on when they were little turn into the "thugs" on the streets. Adults, both male and female, watch helplessly as the little boys they cuddled physically bully each other in the playground and on the sports field. Some parents have the sad experience of their male offspring becoming violent towards them and the other siblings in the family.

Many parents and teachers will battle against the idea that they interact with children on gender lines, but, whether consciously or unconsciously, we all treat infant girls and infant boys in a way that reflects our own understandings and experiences.

A fascinating observation is that when we hear of a birth, the first question that comes to our lips is: "Is it a boy or a girl?" The answer to that question will immediately set us off on a quest for a "gender- appropriate" card or gift.

It is not too difficult to observe how parents and other adults encourage certain characteristics in boys and others in girls. The differences in the ways adults relate physically to boys is very obvious. For example, boys are breastfed for longer than girls and each feeding time is longer; they are weaned more slowly, potty-trained later and held for longer periods of time. Even the language used to describe the difficult behaviours of boys and girls reflects differences in parenting. For example, a boy may be described as "tough", a girl as a "tomboy"; a boy as "a crybaby", a girl as "over-sensitive". Parents also use different tones of voice to soothe baby girls and baby boys and different words to soothe and comfort them.

Within some families, boys are not encouraged to take on responsibilities that involve tenderness and nurturing and are not encouraged to talk about their feelings. Indeed, boys risk serious ridicule when they go against what is seen as being typically "male".

Girls have endless opportunities to practise the emotional skills of caring, showing kindness, tenderness, nurturing and expressing upsetting feelings. On the other hand, boys' time and energies go into mastering physical skills and bottling up their feelings.

It is not that boys do not have feelings of love, fear, depression, sadness, jealousy and guilt, but they are rarely encouraged to identify, understand and express them. Neither are they encouraged to enter the emotional world of others.

The failure of homes, schools, communities and government social policies to equip boys with emotional literacy is having serious effects on their own and others' emotional, physical and social welfare. The increasing violence on our city streets is a stark pointer to our failure. Ninety per cent of violent crimes are committed by men and 90 per cent of prison inmates are male. Surely the little boys we love so much deserve the opportunities to explore the expansiveness of their emotions and not be condemned to finding emotional expression through aggression and violence.