The roots of exam pressure are in our own fear of failure

There has been a lot of press coverage about the pressure some parents put on their children to achieve highly in examinations. This focus on exam performance starts in primary school and increases in tempo as children progress through secondary school, reaching its zenith coming up to Leaving Cert. What is not often appreciated is the reason parents have fears around their children's exam results. It certainly is the case that all parents want the best for their children and that they want to be seen as caring and effective parents; some parents view their children's potential or poor academic performance as a reflection on their parenting.

In order to offset the judgments of others, they often pressurise their children to bring home the good school report card. Parents who are vulnerable to the criticisms of others need understanding, support and help to free themselves of such dependencies; portraying them as "bad" parents only confirms their worst fears and pushes them deeper into protecting themselves - with resultant increased pressure on their children. There are other parents who have fears of academic or occupational or domestic or social failure, put huge pressures on themselves to succeed and project this emotional baggage on to their offspring. These parents also need compassion and direction in order to come to a place where they no longer equate their wondrous worth with a transient success experience.

Parents and children alike need to embrace failure and success as integral to learning and not as an index of either their capability or lovability. Failure and success are the nuts and bolts of learning: without failure, no success; without success, no failure.

What counts mostly in learning is effort; once this is nurtured, encouraged, praised and rewarded, adults and children will thrive educationally and occupationally.

While it is true that parents need to resolve their own emotional problems and not project these on to each other or their children, it is equally true to say that there have not been too many emotionally safe forums for adults to accomplish such maturity.

In the same way that judgments, criticism, ridicule and irritability undermine children's security, similar reactions to parents further undermine their security. Schools and communities could be venues where courses for parents on self-development, parenting and educating their children could be organised. For those parents in need of more in-depth help, a community-based and paid confidential counselling service is required.

During the process of redeeming their own self-worth and independence and coming up to exam time, parents can do much to help themselves and their children to cope with examination stress.

1 Acknowledge to yourselves and to your children your own fears of failure and worries about what others think of you. Such openness makes it safe for children to voice anxieties, it equalises the relationship between parents and children and it sets the foundation for both to see that their worth lies in themselves and not in examination results.

2 Stay largely on the sidelines of young people's preparation and study for examinations and, from there, encourage, support and acknowledge the efforts being made. It would show caring also to ask is there anything you can do to make it easier.

3 Avoid criticism, cajoling, ridicule, irritability and aggression as means of motivating children to study. Such responses serve only to decrease motivation.

4 When minimal (or no) study efforts are being made, express concern and enquire who and what is causing such apathy. These questions need to be expressed in a loving way; any show of hostility and the young person will quickly withdraw or react oppressively. It is also true to say that any show of undue anxiety on the face of parents may catapult children into over-working or rebelling.

5 When children are making excessive efforts to learn and manifesting anxiety about results, it is vital that parents reassure them that they are loved for themselves and that no matter what result they get that it will neither add nor detract from that love. Parents also need to encourage these children to lower their expectations of themselves, set more realistic goals and study at a less intense level.

6 Do not use material goods (new outfit, motor-bike, car, holiday) as a means of increasing motivation and application to study. Children see very clearly the manipulative aspect of this ploy and will see that parents are more concerned about their own image rather than their welfare.

7 Finally, humour is a great means of keeping our feet on the ground and not losing sight of what counts between parents and children - love.

Dr Tony Humphreys is a consultant clinical psychologist and author of Self Esteem: The Key To Your Child's Education.