Talking sense about fear of sexual violence

The difficult balance between giving children their (all-important) freedom and protecting them from harm is one which plagues generation after generation of parents. With each new crop of kids, life seems more and more dangerous. But fear of strangers has always been an issue - in particular, fear of sexual violence. Increased media coverage of assault on children and young people heightens awareness and worry. Children also hear and read these reports and, as Carmel Wynne wrote recently in Education and Living, they are becoming increasingly frightened.

This leaves parents with the tough challenge of how to address legitimate fears of sexual violence without causing even more anxiety.

According to Valerie McLoughlin of Parentline, "parents are very worried about letting their children do the sorts of things they may safely have done themselves, like go to the shops or the park. But they are also concerned about how to protect their children without terrifying them. "However, we would tell parents that the more knowledge children have, the more power they have. It is best to explain that there are people who hurt children. But you don't want to make them paranoid, so you have to be careful about the language you use."

Marie Murray is a psychologist specialising in adolescence. "How you address the issue of sexual violence always depends on the maturity and age of the child. It is important to establish what they know and to ensure children have an understanding of sex and sexuality in a positive way. The emphasis should be on sex in the context of a loving relationship. "If you jump straight in with the idea of sex as an assault, they may grow up with an unnecessary fear of sex."

Murray says it is not necessary to wait until children raise the issue of sexual violence, but to use opportunities to discuss it with them. "If there is a news item about rape, or sexual abuse comes up on something they are watching on the television - especially when it comes to teenagers - use this to have a discussion. "Talk about how rape is violence, that it is very little to do with sex, everything to do with power and a very aggressive assault. It is important to discuss rape in the context of all sorts of forms of violence." If a younger child asks the meaning of rape out of the blue, "don't give a quick answer. "Set aside time to find out what they understand themselves. Then talk to them in the way that you would always talk to them. Tell them it is something which is very sad, that it is quite a violent attack. The degree of detail would depend on the child - the reason you are talking about it is to keep them safe, not to frighten them."

There are a number of things parents can suggest to their children to ensure they stay safe. "Well, obviously you have to tell them to totally ignore anyone, male or female, who pulls up in a car asking for directions or whatever," McLoughlin says. "Tell children all the usual things - to scream, or run away - if they feel they are threatened. Tell them to walk into the nearest driveway, pretending that it is their home. Encourage them to stay in a group - that includes the younger children out in the park as well as the teenagers coming home from a disco. If they are alone, it's literally the old-fashioned `never talk to strangers'. Explain that most are probably good people, but there are people who harm children, and you can't necessarily tell them by their appearance." Murray suggests anticipating situations that arise which might jeopardise children's safety. "Talk to them about what to do if they are delayed coming out of school and it is suddenly dark, if they get a puncture somewhere on the road home, or if they are at the disco and their friends have left with boyfriends or something and they find they have to walk home alone," she says.

"Suggest what they might do and how they might get in touch with you. If they do call from a friend's house asking for a lift home because it is dark, be positive about what is undoubtedly an imposition. Tell them you're glad they called and took the precaution, but that you would rather they left in time to walk home in daylight in future. "We want our children to feel they can turn to us if they are in danger, so we have to respond in ways which encourage this behaviour when they do."

According to Carmel Wynne, sometimes children and young people prefer not to tell their parents when they have actually had a bad experience.

Murray agrees. "Children may be worried about how parents will react. They may think: `better not to say anything or I wont be allowed out again'," she says. "If children do tell you about something upsetting that has happened, comfort them first and foremost and then talk about how best to avoid something like this happening again. "If one of the children comes and says they she or he has been raped, respond immediately with great compassion. Parents will feel terribly angry, but the child needs love. Then you can look into issues like legalities."

For further information on talking to children about safety, contact the National Children's Resource Centre, Christchurch Square, Dublin 8 (tel: (01) 454 9699).