Dear Teacher,

I'm very annoyed that I have to put pen to paper again to complain about the way Wayne is still being victimised by you. You know that he is dear to me and it's not on that you are picking on him all the time now that his brother has left your class.

I thought I brought it to your attention in my third-last letter that you are not to correct him in public and make a spectacle of him in front of the class. This is not good for his self-esteem.

I don't understand what all the fuss is about anyway. Shouting at the teacher is hardly a crime, is it?

Also, I demanded in my second-last letter that you refrain from sending him to the principal any more. Wayne gets very upset at being singled out for humiliation in such a way. He was hardly able to eat his dessert when we went to Supermac's after school.

I thought they were only sent to the principal when they were involved in something serious like damaging the teachers' cars or setting fire to the school buildings. I hardly think a few expletives are worthy of such disregard for his sensitivity.

He felt so small and bad about himself when he had to apologise for calling you a **** asshole - it's really only a creative figure of speech. We all talk like this at home so I have no problem with it. Please don't correct him for this again.

Also, I'm sick to death of this policy you people in the school have of promoting so-called healthy lunches. Growing children need calories and it's up to me how I provide them for my son. Bread and fruit only give him flatulence.

I'd be grateful, too, if you would tell the other children in the class that he's not to be called Hyper-Wayne by them any more. He's just spirited, and energetic - like that Van Damme fellow he loves watching on the Movie Channel.

Oh, and could you please arrange to provide him with a wider chair, as those little yellow ones seem to be built for leprechauns, not someone big-boned like my Wayne.

Two children in his class told me that you were at him again for pushing in the line, and that he was punished by being sent back to the end of it. Of course, this is just the others taking it out on him too.

But, what message does this action give a six-year-old? That he should not strive to be number one, the best. This has severely dented his confidence, a topic that was being discussed only today on the Gerry Ryan Show. He could be emotionally scarred for life, according to Gerry, and what would the school say then?

As for this demand you're making that I should apologise to you for saying in my last letter that you're a pathetic teacher, well I reckon someone must be responsible for the fact that my Wayne can't even recognise his own name after two years in school. Not one for your CV is it?

There's no question of me coming in to the school to discuss all these allegations you're making. I will not be intimidated by you - I know enough from listening to what Wayne tells me anyway.

Finally, why is he always in trouble when he says others who are twice as bad him are never corrected? Of course, it was the same in my day - teachers always have their favourites.

Yours Respectfully, A MOTHER

PS: Will you keep Wayne until 3 o'clock from now until the end of the year as I am doing a course in communications.