Mam & Dad's meeting of minds

Most of us have observed that men and women treat children differently. Jackie Bourke hears from an author who reckons this difference is inevitable - and that it doesn't have to be a formula for conflict

The baby is a week old. Time to chart its sleeping/crying/eating pattern. Two weeks later, things are looking bad. At three weeks, it seems, the baby cries a lot, eats a lot and its sleep is very erratic. There must be a way to cure it! Unfortunately, this is not the work of a wonder scientist - merely the madness of a shocked first-time father. The mother thinks it best to pick the baby up, the father thinks it should be left to cry - and perhaps taught to sleep a bit more frequently too. Is the father mean? Or the mother too soft?

As time moves on, the parents' views on issues continue to differ. So, who's right? Both, according to Tine Thevenin, author of Mothering and Fathering: The Gender Differences in Child Rearing. "Men and women view life from two different perspectives, use different language and relate to who and what is around them differently," she says. "When I make these distinctions, I am saying `in general' all the time. Of course we are not black and white creatures - men have female characteristics and vice versa. But in general, we relate to our world differently, and this difference has an impact on how we parent."

According to Thevenin, the differences are biologically dictated. "Men are more inclined to compete, to want to win. They like to be in control of a situation, and they crave independence. "Women, on the other hand, tend to be much happier to go with the flow, they enjoy interdependence, especially among one another, and winning is less important to them than being involved." When it comes to parenting, these differences affect not only how the parents relate to their children, but their expectations of them. "Fathers like some sort of order, they want to be able to exert control over the situation, and they encourage their children to achieve, be independent and face challenges. Mothers are more nurturing - they soothe and cradle the children, fostering a sense of security and teaching their children about intimacy and connectedness. "The difference in parenting styles is not in itself a problem. In fact, I would say we should be celebrating the difference. Children need both styles. They need the nurturing and they need to feel secure. When mothers rush to pick up toddlers who've just toppled over, and cuddle them through their tears, they are doing what's best for their children.

"But equally, children need to be encouraged to be independent. Fathers who insist a child finds his or her own way down off that tree are also doing the right thing. Each parent is getting it right, depending on how and when both apply their particular style."

The problems arise, Thevenin says, when the parents don't understand one another. "We don't tend to think in terms of these differences, especially when it comes to parenting. We start to argue and we begin to distrust one another, worried that our other half is doing the children some sort of harm. "Worse still, many women end up doubting themselves. They assume their partners must be right and lose faith in their own instincts. Men are generally supported by social expectations and the bulk of parenting material out there - which up until quite recently was written by men. "To solve this difficulty, men and women need to understand their differences. The meeting ground is a sort of a dance, it is an ideal we strive for. It is like two different cultures coming together. It isn't impossible to find a meeting point, but you need have some knowledge of one another's cultural mores.

"For instance, the smartest woman allows the man to think he came up with the idea. The reality is he sees himself as the head of the family, so let him think he is in charge. In learning what we can realistically expect from one another, we can begin to work together.

"What parents give their children may be different, but there is a degree of interdependence too. A person who has received a complete bonding in the early years feels secure enough to become independent later. They are ready for the father's encouragement to go out into the world. They are also more able in a relationship and to give up of themselves, because their early selfish needs have been fulfilled."

When it comes to single parenting, Thevenin says it is very important that the children have a significant adult of the opposite sex to the parent in their lives. But the adults are not the only people in the equation, she emphasises: while parents can go a long way towards mutual respect if they understand, and celebrate, their different characteristics, the children will dictate what approach is most appropriate at a given moment. "My book contributes to the knowledge we have of child rearing. It is not an answer to anyone's problems. The solution to gender difference, when it comes to parenting, evolves around the child's needs. "My book doesn't make it easier. Parenting isn't easy. At the end of the day you are dealing with children, who never do the same thing twice. You are also dealing with yourself, and how you are feeling at different times. "Things are constantly changing, so there'll never be a book that tells you exactly how to rear your children."