Keeping stress under control

Modern working mothers face a lot of stress and demands, writes Tony Humphreys

Career-married women with children are the most stressed group and are even more at risk of an earlier death than single, over-40, unemployed men. Some of these highly pressurised women complain to me of feeling guilty about coming to hate their children, whose difficult behaviour at critical times can drive them not only to distraction but to beating the unco-operative youngster. These unhappy parents find it reassuring when I point out that it is the difficult behaviour they hate and not the child.

Examples of critical times are meal times, bed times, going to work and coming home from work. A typical morning scenario sees the young mother, under time constraints, trying to get her child washed, dressed, fed and into the child-safety seat in the rear of the car and down to the childminder so that she herself can get to work on time. The toddler is not tuned in to all the needs of his career-mother and, unwittingly, can cause her great distress by downright un-cooperative responses to her requests. In desperation, the mother resorts to attempting to control by shouting and sometimes by slapping. Such responses usually result in the child digging in his stubborn heels all the more and this is a contest the mother is highly unlikely to win. Children can be far more resilient in holding out against the attacks of parents.

What is the beleaguered career-mother to do in such trying circumstances? It seems to me that the most important issue she needs to look at is her immediate priorities. When her child is unco-operative, she is very unlikely to be able to meet all her needs to have the child washed, dressed, fed and seated safely in the car and be on time for the babysitter and work. Surely, in the mornings her priority is to get the child to the babysitter and herself to work? Getting into conflict with the child over eating all his breakfast or brushing his teeth or sitting in the child-safety seat is only going to jeopardise her meeting her own personal needs and, even more distressingly, result in her going to work feeling upset, frustrated and guilty over her loss of control with the child.

The process is not easy but she has a duty to herself and the child to deal with the difficult situation in a positive and cheerful manner. Certainly, she can make a clear and definite request of the child, making sure to be calm and make good and loving eye-contact. Children always need to feel that loving them comes before time-keeping, work, hobbies and friends. There is no suggestion here that a working parent does not consider her own needs, but the way the parent communicates and meets such needs is what is in question here. Separateness is the basis for togetherness and each parent needs his or her own separate life that not only enriches individuality but also both the parent-child and the couple's relationship.

When the child does not comply with your request, do not get trapped into nagging or coercing. If it is an issue of dress, food, washing teeth and so on, the childminder will have more time to complete these tasks with the child. If it is a question of getting the child into the car or safety seat, good-humouredly lifting the child into the car and into the safety seat, ignoring his protestations. If it is difficult to get him into the safety seat because of his struggling responses, then leave it and set about your priority of getting to the childminder and work on time. During the journey to the childminder when the child who has not co-operated attempts to make contact let her know cheerfully that you will talk to her when she sits in the safety seat and not until then.

When you arrive at the childminder's home and are leaving the child with her be sure to give your child a warm hug and say how much you are looking forward to seeing her later. It is important not to carry the conflict into other areas of the child's life.

Equally, when you pick her up later in the day, do not bring up her earlier unco-operativeness. The more the parent works at all times in closeness with a child the more likely she will gain the co-operation she needs.

When a child's behaviour proves challenging, finding time for creative problem-solving is a necessary step in the resolution process. Enlisting the co-operation of your partner is a good idea provided he will remain positive and patient with the child. Getting up that bit earlier may help; raising the height of the safety seat in the car so that the child can see out and having your own breakfast first are other possibilities. It is important not to not give up the search for positive solutions.

Dr Tony Humphreys is a consultant clinical psychologist and author of Self-Esteem: The Key to Your Child's Future