How do we teach our children right from wrong? I ask this question in view of all the horrific stories in the media - about children who beat up or even shoot classmates or teachers, injure or even kill their own parents.

It seems there are some children, especially in America, who have no control over their emotions and who lack decent moral values or self-discipline. We watch shocked, seemingly normal, kind parents say they do not know what happened or where they went wrong.

So how do we teach a child to have good moral values and confident self-discipline?

We cannot be perfect role models for our children all the time. I confess now, in writing: when I was a child I was bold sometimes and the word discipline meant very little to me except that it made me feel guilty. I remember my parents, teachers, and church leaders rattling on about it. However, the discipline of the past I remember - of obedience, control and compliance - does not seem to fit in today's world. Today the word discipline has more to do with teaching than punishment, more to do with respecting others, teaching a child moral values and social caring. Don't get me wrong. Teaching discipline in the right way brings obedience along with it most of the time. We do not want to squash our children's free spirit, but we don't want them to run riot on us either.

This is where I think many parents become waylaid. How do you teach discipline in a way that gets your child to do what you want without using punishment or physical force? Smacking a child provides no positive information about moral behaviour.

Good behaviour from your child is a by-product of teaching discipline. The word discipline comes from the Latin word disciplus, one who learns. So how can we get the balance right - not too much, not too little? Perhaps we have to take a step back and reassess our objectives. We want a happy, fulfilled, caring child. This does not just come overnight; whinging is not eliminated in a day. Squabbling is not stopped in one or even two weeks - in fact children need to squabble in the safety of their own home sometimes. Unreal expectations may lead to bitter disappointment.

Our children are not there to please us or be the little perfect children we want them to be; just to be as good little people as they can be for themselves.

There are some ways to encourage self-discipline, set out below.

Set secure limits. Ideally start when they are babies and use the word "no" only when you mean absolutely "NO". Set definite limits and define the consequences for breaking the rules. This gradually prepares them to set their own limits for themselves as they mature.

The word "no" can often be a knee-jerk reaction; try to use other words instead, such as "wait". When you do use it, use it with conviction.

Be consistent in your principles. Be patient, be kind, but be firm and be consistent. Being consistent simply means say what you mean and mean what you say and follow it though each time. Don't change your mind: if it is not acceptable today then the same goes for tomorrow. By giving into any pleas, you will make it harder for yourselves another day.

You give a messy message of no hard or fast rules if you are constantly shifting.

Pick your battles carefully. The downside of being consistent comes if you are not careful about the rules you insist on. Is it really important that she eats every pea on her plate? Remember, you have to stick by the rules you make. Is it really important she does this or are you just flexing your parental muscles? Making unfair rules only sets a parent up to be inconsistent. If it is not harmful to life or limb or not too unacceptable socially - forget it!

Be helpful, not hindering, in your praise. Unhelpful praise is what I call "blanket praise", e.g. "you are so intelligent". This may start the children to doubt your praise. ("So how did I only get 40 per cent in my last test?") A more helpful way to praise is to describe what a child is doing or has done. "The colours in your drawing are beautiful - it is a pleasure to look at." The child is pleased he has created something of beauty that is appreciated by someone. Describing what she has done gives a verbal picture of her own abilities. This empowers her.

Put yourself in her shoes. By being empathetic you'll react less from your own frustrations. How is a child of her age supposed to understand what took you many more years to learn? Learning values requires repeated lessons.

Avoid difficult situations! There is no need to be a super parent. There is no shame in avoiding "hot zones". Know your child's own vulnerable times, like dressing in the morning, just prior to bed, when you pick her up from school or just as you arrive in from work. Try to avoid conflict at these particular times and ignore or reduce the need for disciplining by anticipating the conflict situation at a time when you know you both may be at a low ebb.

Be a good model to imitate. Children do copy our behaviour. We cannot be perfect all the time, but be aware you are their role model. To children, good values or social manners do not come naturally; they must be taught or modelled.

Watch how you speak to children. This is a trap we all can fall into at times. The volume gradually gets louder and louder, until everyone is shouting - we should not need to shout to get our message across. Get down to eye level and be short, clear and concise. "Put your blocks back in the box and then we'll eat dinner." Repeat it again and again quietly. Good old fashioned repetition works. Often, in the young child, our voice alone will set the limits for her; so it is not just what we say, it is the way that we say it that is important.

Don't resort to physical violence. It is not fair and not useful for teaching a child how to handle difficult emotions. An adult can not hit another adult. You should not hit a child just because you are bigger. You cannot teach self-discipline with fear - you can only temporarily impose your will.

Yes, teaching self discipline is a tricky long drawn out business. All of us will lose our cool sometimes, may shout at times and even hit out. But remember childhood passes very quickly - don't miss the opportunity to be the parent you want to be. If you make a mistake, apologise; if you falter once, try again and teach, teach, teach. And don't forget those hugs and loving words - everyone needs them on a daily basis.