Bertie ignores elephant in room as vultures stalk him in the zoo Miriam Lord

Bertie may have been going ape behind the scenes, but at least there was good news on the elephant front.

Although the way things are currently going for him, for one horrific moment, it looked like he might be in some trouble in the animal department as well.

A martyred Taoiseach once memorably moaned to the Opposition: "If the cat had kittens, youse would blame me for dat too."

Now, two pregnant elephants are on their way to Dublin.

Zoological Society president Michael McNulty noted yesterday at the unveiling of a five-year plan for Dublin Zoo that this happy event could not have happened without the Taoiseach's personal involvement.

With admirable restraint, the beleaguered Fianna Fáil leader managed not to interject with an impassioned "It wasn't me!"

As it was, he decided to cut the paragraph from his speech beginning with the wonderful words: "Good news on the elephant front." In all his years tearing around the country cutting tapes and turning sods, Bertie has never had the opportunity to utter such a brilliant line.

Sadly, he had to ditch it. Pity. But, on balance, with his political career under severe pressure and questions remaining unanswered about a large sum of money he got from associates when he was minister for finance, it might have looked like he was clutching at straws in an effort to find a positive news angle.

A large media contingent waited for him to arrive for his lunchtime appointment at the zoo. Early on, it was made clear to heartbroken photographers that he would not be posing beside any monkeys. Attempts to steer him in the direction of the reptile house would not be tolerated.

The gathering outside the gates was watched with interest by a noisy troupe of chimpanzees squatting on a platform in the middle of their lake-island home. Funny, but nobody had said anything about a Cabinet meeting taking place.

Still hoping for some wildlife shots, the photographers eyed the chimps and began thinking about possible captions. "An Taoiseach, pictured left . . ." On the ground, the baboons turned their backs and prepared to give Bertie their traditional welcome - but it was Bertie who gave them a bum steer.

He arrived by tradesman's entrance to be met by zoo officials and an uncaged assortment of vultures, who were well past their feeding time and hungry for a comment.

Smiling like his life depended on it, Bertie stared straight ahead and said nothing. Vultures squawked and scattered through the shrubbery before him, but An Taoiseach remained inscrutable.

It's a very rare occasion when Bertie Ahern has nothing to say to the media. People began to mutter about ostriches and sand.

On his way out, he was asked about comments made by the Tánaiste a few hours earlier. "She says she expects you to clarify the matter," he was told.

"The Tánaiste is a man," riposted Bertie with grim satisfaction.

That is a matter for some debate, as Michael McDowell has been uncharacteristically quiet on the subject of Bertie's benefactors. Is he a man or is he a mouse?

The day got worse for the tight-lipped Taoiseach. His next engagement was at Griffith College, where he got trapped in the lift for five minutes.

It was a small lift, packed with big men. He couldn't have felt more uncomfortable had the two pregnant elephants been inside as well. Then again, maybe he was hoping the doors wouldn't open until everyone went away.

More talk of pregnancy at the next stop, when he visited the Trinity College School of Nursing to mark the 10th anniversary of its nursing and midwifery course.

At this stage, Bertie seemed tired and subdued. He posed for photographs with three nursing students at the foot of the stairs, hunched over and clinging to the banisters, which was understandable after his nasty experience in the elevator.

The location of the nursing college might also have contributed to his unease. It's in D'Olier Street, across the road from the Irish Times building. He was probably feeling a little vulnerable, what with the accursed Irish Times responsible for breaking the story of his bizarre Drumcondra dig-out.

He wasn't given an easy time by the student nurses either.

Damaris Noble from Booterstown, Niamh Murphy from Enniskerry and David Wallace from Celbridge took the opportunity to lobby for better pay for nurses. Second-year student David thought the Taoiseach looked like "a man under stress".

He asked Bertie if he was going to support the Irish Nurses Organisation's pay claim. "We'll have to try our best," came the reply. David pressed his case. "Maybe by the time you're qualified, things might be better," sighed the Taoiseach.

Could they get any worse? Putting on his best bedside manner, the student nurse inquired how things are in government. "Oh fine," whispered the sickly patient.

It was Damaris's and Niamh's first day in college when they met Bertie. They couldn't have expected to be doing work experience so early on, but there they were, face to face with a serious case of political accident and emergency, howling all day for the privacy of the screens.

The distinguished guest didn't hang around D'Olier Street for long. Instead, he took off for yet another gig. This time, he was scheduled to open the refurbished Ulster Bank premises across the Liffey in Dorset Street. Just as well he had a driver, because Bertie doesn't seem to know very much about banks.

If only he went to one in 1993 and asked for a loan - it's what ordinary people do when they need an injection of funds - he would have been a much happier man yesterday.

Still. At least there was good news on the elephant front. "I look forward to the elephants coming," he declared.

Careful, Bertie. Elephants never forget.