Tis the season

FOOD:THERE'S BARELY ANY shopping and cooking time left and shoppers are getting into fisticuffs in cross-Border car parks over turkeys and crackers. You haven't bought a damn thing, you have no money anyway, and are seriously considering converting to Judaism so you could legitimately withdraw from all this madness. If there is life in outer space and they decided to take a snapshot of life on earth during Christmas week, they would howl with laughter.

I recently got an e-mail from a stressed-out reader, asking if it was okay if she bought a Christmas cake, as she hadn't started making the cake back in September. I wanted to write back: "Shame on you, you slovenly wench," but thought it might tip her over the edge.

Seriously though, it has to get easier. So in an effort to find a few easy-going recipes that are a bit different from the normal, we tried out some desserts that would be fine substitutes for Christmas puddings and cakes. We also discovered a good accompaniment to smoked salmon (which is such a stalwart around Christmas time), and a good veggie dish that would also make a lovely starter.

My tips for last-minute meals? Buy loads of cheese, frozen puff pastry, cured meats and ham, some olives, and a few baguettes to make croutes from. Smoked salmon will always get eaten, served with thin slices of red onion, lemon wedges and some capers.

If you're running out of booze, or are feeling very broke, mulled wine is like something Jesus himself would make. All you need is one bottle of wine and you can double the quantity of wine you can offer.

Before you know it, it'll all be over and you'll be struggling with swathes of cardboard, trying to tame packaging to go into green bins, and looking down at the weighing scales with a frown. Resolutions will be made while clutching a bottle of wine, and promises of a detox will be bandied about.

But fear not, I am already working on a slew of clean tasting, healthy dishes that will erase all traces of turkey from your memory, at least for another 300 days or so.

Bubble and squeak

Nigella to the rescue! I like this dish of hers, simply because it's a sort of refuge for wrecked vegetables, whereby they magically turn into something edible: a Christmas hash brown, so to speak. It really doesn't matter what you've got. The idea is that if you overcook or otherwise ruin all the veg on Christmas day, be sure to insist that it was intentional as the ingredients for this dish require ruined veg. No-one will know, if you're brazen enough.

250g Brussel sprouts, cooked

50g chestnuts (optional)

275g cooked potatoes

50g cooked parsnips

Bunch of spring onions, chopped

2 eggs

Knob butter

Splash olive oil

50g pancetta, chopped into cubes

Preheat an oven to 170 degrees/gas three. Put the sprouts, chestnuts, spuds, parsnips and spring onions into the food processor and whizz them. Add the eggs. It should look like a sloppy, lumpy, pile of old veg. Heat up the butter and olive oil and fry the pancetta until crispy. Add the vegetables and flatten out in the pan. Cook for a few minutes over a moderate heat and then pop the frying pan into the oven for 20 minutes till the bubble and squeak is golden brown on top. If your pan can't go in the oven, you may have to invert it on to a plate and then put it back in the frying pan to finish cooking on the other side. Serve straight away.

Fennel and apple cream

(serves at least 10)

This is really tasty with smoked salmon, gravadlax or even crab. A little goes a long way and it's really more of a condiment than a salad. A mandolin works a treat to slice the apples and fennel, but if you don't have one, just chop them as finely as possible.

3 heads of fennel

3 Granny Smith apples

Zest and juice of 1 lemon

250ml tub creme fraiche or sour cream

2 tsp caster sugar

1 tbsp wholegrain mustard

Salt and pepper

Slice the fennel and apples as finely as possible and then pour the lemon juice over them to stop them discolouring. Mix together the creme fraiche, sugar and wholegrain mustard. Season, then mix with the fennel and apple. Refrigerate until ready to use.

Plum tart

We baked this in a 29cm tart tin, but you can also use a baking tray.

200g plain flour

100g butter

175g caster sugar

Pinch salt

1 egg yolk

1 tsp vanilla extract

1kg plums

2 tbsp granulated sugar

150g apricot jam

In a food processor, make the pastry by pulsing the flour and butter till it resembles breadcrumbs. Add the sugar and salt, then pulse again. Add the yolk and the vanilla and keep processing until the pastry comes together and forms a ball. If it is a bit dry and won't form a ball, add a tiny splash of cream or water. Wrap it in cling film and chill for 30 minutes, or overnight.

Preheat an oven to 180 degrees/gas four. Cut the plums in half, remove the stones and then cut in quarters. Roll out the pastry and line the tin, but leave the pastry quite thick. Arrange the plum slices on top, sprinkle them with sugar and bake for about 45 minutes until the tart is puffed up slightly and golden brown. Melt the jam with a few teaspoons of water over a gentle heat and when the tart is cool, glaze it with this. Leave it to cool fully before serving.

Shallot tarte tatin

(See main photograph) I made this in a large frying pan that could go in the oven. It is about 20cm wide and the tarte would easily serve eight as a starter. Add whatever herbs you like, but they really do make the dish, so be sure to use two full tablespoons.

250g rolled puff pastry

600-800g shallots

75g butter

3 cloves garlic, peeled and crushed

2 tbsp brown sugar

2 tbsp balsamic vinegar

1 tbsp chopped thyme

1 tbsp chopped sage

Salt and pepper

Preheat an oven to 220 degrees/gas six. Keep the pastry chilling until you are ready to use it. Blanch the shallots in boiling water for about five minutes, then drain them and when they are cool enough to handle, peel them. If some are too chunky, cut them in half.

In the frying pan you intend to cook the tarte in, melt the butter and cook the shallots over a medium heat until they are starting to brown. This could take about 15 minutes.

Add the rest of the ingredients, turn up the heat and make sure everything is well coated. Take the pan off the heat.

Place the puff pastry over the top, tuck in the edges and cook in the oven for about 20 minutes, until the pastry is golden brown.

Let the tarte rest for 15 minutes and when you are ready to serve it, invert on to a plate (be careful of hot, sticky juices that may leak out and burn you). Slice it and serve with some mixed greens.

Panettone bread and butter pudding (serves 6-8)

I always have a ton of this stuff in my cupboards at Christmas and this is an easy way to use it up.

3 large eggs, plus one extra egg yolk

100g caster sugar

300ml milk

300ml double cream

1tsp vanilla extract

1 panettone, regular-sized

butter

Splash whiskey

100g mincemeat

1 Granny Smith apple, peeled, cored and finely chopped

Beat the eggs and sugar together until they are light and fluffy. Bring the cream and milk up to the boil. Add the vanilla extract and then pour the cream mix onto the eggs, and whisk. Slice the panettonne into two-centimetre slices and butter each side, then layer them up in a large gratin dish, adding a sprinkle of whisky and a few dots of mincemeat and apple. Pour the cream and egg mixture over the top, and leave to rest for an hour before baking. Preheat an oven to 180 degrees/gas four. Put the gratin dish in a large roasting tin and fill the tin with boiling water. Bake for 45 to 60 minutes. It should puff up and still be a bit runny. Allow it to cool slightly and dust with icing sugar. Serve with cream or Greek yoghurt.

dkemp@irishtimes.com