Living with an eating disorder

I am now approaching my 40th birthday, but having first displayed eating disordered behaviour at the age of 13, I wholeheartedly agree with an emphasis on early intervention.

I thought I had “fixed” myself many times but, as life presented its normal challenges and hurdles, I would re-enter what to me was my “normal”, private world of severe self-destructive behaviour, all with a relentless backdrop and an internal voice of hopelessness and savagery.

Even when I sought help for the consequences an eating disorder was having in my daily life, it was still some time before I actually accepted that I had an eating disorder.

The savagery of this internal voice knows no bounds and touches all areas of life. For me, the destruction has certainly not been limited to body image and weight. What that means is that the very building blocks of life, such as health, career, finances, relationships, friendships and hobbies have all been infested with this destructive internal voice.

Internal message

In terms of a career, despite attaining a Master’s degree (though at an enormous emotional cost), the longest I have maintained a job is two years. Needless to say, hearing the consistent internal message that you’ll absolutely never, ever amount to anything and that you have no future, has not been congruous with negotiating the career ladder.

Today, I am extremely grateful to be able to work at all and for my part-time position in the retail sector. It provides a vital means of day-to-day survival. A career, however, is an area of life that remains in tatters.

Without a career – or even a job – the financial fall-out of living with an eating disorder has taken its toll. Having had to prioritise treatment costs over the years, coupled with numerous periods of unemployment during periods when I was particularly unwell, has had severe financial consequences. It has meant that any savings I had hoped to have built for myself by mid-life have been completely depleted by now. It is a frightening and insecure position to be in, but that is part of the destruction caused by this illness.

Many would say that the cornerstones of life are the connections and relationships one invests in. Whilst I naturally love the company of others, it has been extremely difficult to build authentic, long-term relationships and friendships when living in a world of private, invisible turmoil.

Broken connections

So often my attention and energy has been directed to dealing with the chaos of this illness rather than harnessing the joy of the people in my life. As a result, there are numerous broken connections. As I approach my forties, the prospect of having children, though not impossible, appears unlikely.

Similarly, in the more urgent battle to survive, there has not been the energy or motivation available to me to develop interests or hobbies for any prolonged period. However, it is also true that during any periods of wellness, life interests have emerged and I hope the threads of those can remain.

In terms of health, it is worth highlighting that apart from the psychological fall-out of this illness, there are often a range of hidden physiological issues arising from eating disorders. These may include: numerous digestive issues, bone and joint problems, hormonal and thyroid imbalances, lack of menstruation, fertility problems, circulatory issues and dental problems to name a few.

Addressing these issues often involves long-term cost, care and attention. However, care and attention for oneself, even at a basic level, is often an alien concept for someone living with an eating disorder. Nonetheless, it begins with the belief that there is a future there to invest in; one beyond the daily battle to maintain an existence.

For now, the battle continues.

Cora Grant lives and works in Cork. She has a Master's in Public Health